VINTAGE XI 5 – 4 MOCHA JUNIORS

K Hasler, somewhere in North Herts in a van


Vintage XI reclaimed their crown in the icy bowl of Steeple Morden Recreation Stadium in front of a crowd of at least twenty steely souls.

Early worries of absentia were assuaged when Mocha Juniors and Holland captain Nathan Hasler managed not only to get out of bed but find proper footwear.

All the big talk and childish banter before the game was rendered obsolete by a hard playing surface and an icy blast driving across the fields from the direction of pikey settlement Guilden Morden.

Yet the game commenced at a brisk pace, probably had to really so one could keep one’s testicles outside one’s body. With the current talk of a ‘Winter Break’ in the Premiership this reporter can only suggest the replacement of the Boxing Day match with one celebrating Rosh Hashanah or some made-up crap conveniently placed at the end of the Summer.

But the game, yes: The Juniors started with zeal and raced into a two-goal lead – west-country bumpkin Martin Downez flashing a cross-cum-shot beyond Paul Hasler in the Vintage goal, one of a few custodial errors the veteran would later atone for.

Nippy rocker Dan Fitzgerald doubled the Mocha lead with a low drive before Captain Marvel Kristian Hasler reduced the deficit with an uncharacteristic left-foot howitzer high into the Juniors’ net/air behind the goal. There followed an ill-advised ‘baby-cradle’ goal celebration that was ignored by most but surely left opposing ‘new Dads’ Linggood and Fitzgerald ruing telling their bairns of what might have been……

The Juniors were not impressed however and Downez completed a first-half brace with a Bergkamp-esque deft lob over the helpless goaltender to enter the break with a healthy advantage.

Fearing a Boxing Day massacre Vintage moved up a couple of gears at the onset of the second, sweeping passes from young whippersnapper Chris Challis to Mark Thorpedo coupled with ebullient displays from the strong midfield of Tractor Boy Matt Gray and Simon ‘Up the Robins’ Porter culminating in the score being quickly levelled, goals probably scored by Porter and Challis, though can’t remember for the life of me, some captain eh?

Tragedy then struck for Mocha as a calamitous fall on icy tar macadam by their doyen sticksman Graham Jarman, probably whilst he was retrieving the ball from a speculative yet wayward Thorpedo effort, meant Irish/German Herculean Russ Foulger had to take over between the posts. Rumours were abound Jarman was hit by a missile (most likely a pasty) thrown by local sideburn-heavy halfwit Brian Jeeves. Defensive totem though he is, Foulger was beaten at his near post as Vintage surged into a 4-3 lead.

Not to use their goalkeeping disaster as an excuse or anything, Mocha retaliated with a barrage of chances, Nathan Hasler going close with namesake Paul neatly turning a couple of opportunist efforts away to make up for previous mishaps. He could do nothing though when even youngerer Challis whippersnapperer Jordan levelled the score to the delight of the travelling posse from Peterborough who had delighted in the skills of Chris and Jordan, and probably watched Stu occasionally as well.

With eight goals shared the game entered its final stages, the Posh contingent as well as fans from as far afield as Potton, Baldock and Craft Way mesmerised by the spectacle on offer. Man-of-the match contender Ray Fitzgerald had marshalled the Vintage rearguard superbly, clearing a Jordan Challis effort off the line and along with defensive cohort Richard Holme justly committed to the cause. This in turn freed-up maverick Tiger Jamie Fewster to nearly steal the limelight with two long-range efforts, one bouncing off the crossbar.

But, with time ticking down and pub calling, Chris Challis took that bull by those horns and completed what may have been a hat-trick with a swerving drive that left crocked braveheart Jarman flat-footed and the Vintage holding the silver potterware.

A game for the purist, fittingly played in World Cup Year (almost) and in Corinthian spirit to boot. None more so than Mocha defender Alex Miles – the first to run to fallen hero Jarman’s aid AND then he had to go and work at Morrisons in Letchworth.

For the rest, ale-quaffing at the Waggon and Horses, p*ss-up at the Haslers with one eye on the Arsenal tw*tting the Villa, and a slap-up brunch at Miss Miggins Pie Shop. And a Happy New Year!



VINTAGE XI

Paul Hasler
Ray Fitzgerald
Richard Holme
Kristian Hasler
Matthew Gray
Simon Porter
Jamie Fewster
Chris Challis
Mark Thorpe
Jason Hill


MOCHA JUNIORS

Graham Jarman
Alex Miles
Russell Foulger
Dan Fitzgerald
Mark Linggood
Nathan Hasler
Stu Challis
Martin Downes
Richard Fitzsimmons
Jordan Challis

Behold...

Mocha 45

The exclusives just keep on comin', kids. This week, Foden icon and towering defender Big Russ Foulger has his say, and he ain't scared to say it:


What are Mocha's main areas of strength this year?

Referees have taken a lot of flak this year in the professional game, but outside the top-flight there was no more shocking decision making than that of Paul Hasler. So, I'd say that our biggest strength could be anyone else pulling on the black jersey. That aside, I think we're hungry; It was a humiliating defeat last year and we won't want two of those on the spin. I also sense a little complacency from Vintage this time round.


Who do you admire (in a non-sexual way) on the Vintage team?

What I like about them collectively is their confidence, but let me make it clear that we don't fear them. They may have embarrassed us last year but I reckon we're a potential banana skin for that lot this year. There's been a lot of personnel changes on both sides and I think they've suffered some losses whilst we've managed to consolidate. Individually, for work rate, you can't overlook Richard Holme. But I wonder whether he might have lost a yard or two over the year.


Who do you admire (in a sexual way) on the Vintage team

Don't get me wrong, Martin, I've got a couple of pink shirts in the wardrobe, if you know what I mean, but they don't impress me much. Sure, they've got their share of pretty boys, but I wouldn't go near any of them with yours.


How can Mocha lay the ghost of last year's defeat to rest?

We've got to show them we mean business right from the get go. Set our stall out early doors. I think if we can do that they'll run out of ideas pretty quickly and we're looking at a rout


Any prediction for the score?

What was the score last year? Well you can double that f*cker this time round. To us, though, obviously.

Hollywood Swinging

Our intrepid Funk Pie reporter headed to Los Angeles this week to catch up with ex-player and the Hollywood gossip columnists' favourite ex-pat, Daniel Brown. Once a dynamic attacking midfielder for the great Morden Magpies team of the early 1990s, Brown now spends his time stealing scotch eggs from the buffet at Film premieres and then selling them onto the homeless (probably)...


What was the main reason for Vintage's victory last year?

Firstly I should make it clear that I could not make last years game. That said, when I heard the result it came as a genuine shock that Mocha had been turned over. On paper there was only one winner. Mocha had all the talent, younger legs and most importantly they had goals in them. Downes, Hasler, Linggood..School of Finishing alumni. They had strength too in the imposing form of Foulger and with Andy Goose the ablity to open up a defence made up of largely one dimensional hatchet-men.
I still scratch my head at the result. It was beauty vs the beast and there was nothing pretty about the outcome.


Vintage have been hit by the withdrawal of hat trick hero from last year, Darren Chetty, who do you feel will take up the mantle of goal-sniffer supreme for the team?

Chetty's days as the golden child of the morden football circuit will not be forgotten. Last year by all accounts appeared to be a lesson from the master in finding the back of the net. This loss will affect Vintage badly for sure. There is no direct replacement for DC so I guess the goal burden is going to have to be shared. Matt Gray is worth a goal a game, Jamie knows where the goal is and Rich Holme is always happy to take aim from distance. Kris Hasler has composure in front of goal too but I still see them finding it hard without their talisman.


With Irish stalwart Russell "XX" Foulger commanding the Mocha Jrs defence, can you see any way through for Vintage XI?

When big Russ floors you...you don't get up. Aerial threats should be dealt with easily but its when the ball is fizzing around that the big man can be found out. If Vintage pack the midfield and push forward en masse then I can see problems, but with no Chetty and question marks over the vintage forward line then Foden's finest could be in for a picnic in the park.


Like last year, many pundits feel the younger legs of Mocha Jrs will be the difference between the two sides this time round, how can Mocha drive home this supposed advantage?

If truth be told, no-one lining up on the day is fully match fit. Matt G has been conditioning himself with a tough cycling regime for sometime now but full backs rarely control a game. Mocha certainly have a little youth on their side again but conditions will be crucial...as will turkey consumption levels and the alcohol intake from the night before. Is the drinking ban in place this year?


Who will be the dangermen on the Vintage XI team?

Fewster can play a big role but he's prone to drift in and out of a game. If he's in the mood Mocha will do well to keep him quiet. Paul Hasler is key for me. His refereeing is certainly questionable but he still manages to be handed the whistle for the big games. How many "nailed-on" pens have we seen turned down, offside goals given without a second glance and Dom Fitz has been walking the red-card tightrope for many a year.


How will you be watching the game this year?

Fox Soccer Channel. Beer, nachos and a half-time skype update from Ginger Prentice in The Waggon..sound affair!


And finally, a tip for the result?

Mocha all the way, close until the second half then a flourish with Killer's keen positioning bagging him a brace : 5-2

"That awful defence was laid bare"

As promised last week, one of Funk Pie's roving reporters made an all expenses trip to Beijing last week (courtesy of Roy Walker's 'Catchphrase') to catch up with chain smoking, cinema car-driving business man, Dom Fitzsimmons. Fitzsimmons answered our reporter's questions as candidly as we hoped...

What was the main reason for Vintage's victory last year?

Goals. And lots of them. Bean-powered goal machine, Darren Chetty was on fire easily capitalizing on a defence that had all the strength of a wet tissue. And let’s face it, that bunch of w*nkers are all too familiar with a damp bit of Kleenex. Vintage were brilliant at the back thanks to Rich and Matt – a solid foundation that their midfield found easy to build on. Paul “the wall” Hasler was brilliant in goal – the gobby stopper – and his distribution set lads off on runs and brought people into the game. As Mocha fell behind they threw more up front and when the breaks came, that awful defence was laid bare….


Vintage have been hit by the withdrawal of hat trick hero from last year, Darren Chetty, who do you feel will take up the mantle of goal-sniffer supreme?

Hard to say as the team list is not set yet. With DC on international duty I predict Jamie will be pushed up front and will get a couple. If Kristian makes the fixture he’ll be one to watch in midfield. Expect a textbook long range screamer from Ricky “The Hammer” Holme or Matthew “Magnesium” Gray.



Many pundits felt the younger legs of Mocha Jrs would be the difference between the two sides last year, how did Vintage plan to negate this threat?

Younger legs? Don’t make me laugh! Mocha are undoubtedly younger than vintage; but they are not exactly spring chickens and, with the exception of a couple of skinny lads, no stranger to a pint, a packet of fags, a chicken boona and a good sit down. When the chant of “who ate all the pies?” rings out across Morden Rec’ it could come from either set of fans.


Mocha Jrs were quite vocal in criticising the match officials last time round, do you think any of their accusations were justified?

Oh, yes. Maybe they are young at heart after all – lots of toddler ‘but why?!’ whining. Pathetic, really. I would not be surprised if a Mocha player throws their toys out of the pram this year around. Maybe even moan about it on their blog for the next year.


Who will be the dangermen on the Mocha Jrs team?

Just because he looks like Giant Haystacks’ mini-me, don’t go writing off Downesy – he’ll provide a nice cutting edge to a midfield packed with nippy talent: Lingoo, Andy Goose and Nathan. Killer will be in the mix, Big Russ will be up for it as he runs about looking a bit like Pat Butcher.


How will you be watching the game this year?

Sky Sports in the pub. Get home via the takeaway to catch the highlights on Match of the Day.


And finally, a tip for the result?

Hard to call…but I think it could go either way by a couple of goals…though I’m going to say Vintage because that’s who I want to win.

What's your vector, Victor?

Stupid Christmas adverts, at the risk of sounding like Charlie Brooker, I almost vomited over my TV when I saw that effin Jamie Oliver one. So, Oliver, you drive across the country in your big ol' Sainsburys truck like BJ and the Bear, making salmon canape's for greedy middle class oiks who live in idyllic villages and towns, no chavs, druggies or any of that sort in view. And anyway, if you're such a man of the people, why aren't you feeding these delicious snacks to the homeless instead of all those fatties who gathered around you bloomin great lorry. Love your recipes though.

Thanks to the wonderful invention that is Sky+, I usually can whizz through adverts thusly avoiding their brain-melting messages (I once saw a little poster on a huge billboard for something or other saying 'Inspire us to think, not to buy' -good point, that.).

Speaking of brain-melting, I saw Zombieland last week, not bad at all. However, it fails the most basic of tests for a zombie pic, i.e.Zombie's should not run, they are dead. I've already had a rant about this here, so I won't go into it again...

Back to the subject of this year's Garage Trophy match, I should have some interviews to publish soon from 2 players who although in absentia, are keen to have a say on the game.

Something silly that La and me did years ago

Garage Trophy II

It's been a while but this site is now up and running again, it'll mainly be concentrating on the second annual Garage Trophy match between Mocha Juniors and (reigning champs) Vintage Garage XI to be played on December 27th at Steeple Morden Rec.

Last year’s mach saw the elder statesmen rattle off a 7-3 victory splattered in controversy following several debatable refereeing decisions. The Juniors have waited all this time to take their revenge and will be hoping their young legs and fresh spunk will guide them to victory this time round.


Early Team News

VG11

The Vintage will have to seriously increase their uptake of cod liver oil as two vital squad members have already pulled out of this year's match. Midfielder, Dom Fitzsimmons has cited 'transportation difficulties' as the reason for his absence. Whilst shot-hungry local news star, Ali McKee is hosting a turkey and Pimms party at his local church hall.


However, these devastating losses have been offset by the return of Sawyer from Lost look-alike Jamie Fewster, who missed last year's match. Fewster is eager to make his mark on the occasion; the ebullient attacking midfielder will add a smile to this otherwise, frankly miserable team.




MJ

As yet, no-one has officially pulled out of the Mocha squad. Doubts linger over the commitment of Daniel Brown, who seems destined to follow a career in the MLS. Whilst surgeons working on rebuilding Mark Thorp's knee are reporting slow progress. Defensive lynchpin, Russ Foulger, will have to play with his mobile secreted in his jock strap (set to vibrate - the phone, not the jock strap) just in case his latest offspring decides to make an early appearance.


There will be lots more to come as we build up to the match, next time, some player interviews!

Keep checking for updates and feel free to comment (icon at the top of this post)

Sir Bobby Robson RIP

Been a while since I've written on here, was gonna have a rant about swine flu but I didn't see the point. However, really sad news today as Sir Bobby Robson has died.

I'm reading All Played Out by Pete Davies at the moment; its an outstanding book about the 1990 World Cup. Davies has access to all the players as well as the press and to that end, the conflict between the two factions. I'm sure some of the same press that castigated Robson before a ball had been kicked in anger at the 1990 World Cup will be eulogising about him in the papers tomorrow, Robson said himself :"I was just a victim of the tabloid newspaper war. I had watched this cancer spread over the eight years. It was ugly and damaging".

I met Bobby Robson once, well I say 'met', myself and my friends Nathan and perhaps Andy Gray (not that one) were at Portman Road for an exhibition game between the Ipswich 1981 UEFA Cup winning team and an England XI (including Barnes, Waddle an, er Chris Woods- who Alan Brazil sat on his backside with one of the goals). We standing around chatting, when we heard a voice from behind us say "'Scuse me lads", and lo and behold, wor Bobby walked past us with John Barnes, polite as you like with that radiant smile of his in full view. As brief a meeting as you could imagine, but a memorable all the same.

To close here are some of Bobby's finest quotes, bless yer big man, you were a true great:


* "I played cricket for my local village. It was 40 overs per side, and the team that had the most runs won. It was that sort of football"

* "We're taking 22 players to Italy, sorry, to Spain... where are we, Jim?" On whether Paul Gascoigne should have gone to the 1998 World Cup.

* "If you're a painter, you don't get rich until you're dead. The same happens with managers. You're never appreciated until you're gone, and then people say: 'Oh, he was OK'. Just like Picasso"

* "Ray Wilkins' day will come one night"

* Alan Brazil: "I'm delighted to say we've got Sir Bobby Robson on the end of the phone, fresh from getting his knighthood at Buckingham Palace.
Bobby, terrific news."
Sir Bobby Robson: "What is?"
Brazil: "You know, getting the old sword on the shoulder from Prince Charlie."
Sir Bob: Eh? [Long pause] "Oh yeah... well, it was a day I'll never forget."

Justice for Mr Messy

Been reading pretty much the whole of the Mr Men library to my daughter over the past few months (not the new ones written by Roger Hargreaves's son, mind, they shouldn't be allowed, Mr Cool indeed...) and have been just a little bit outraged at some of the cruel (some might say barbaric) treatment metered out to the 'Mr's' by their human neighbours.

There is the familiar case of Mr Noisy's peers all speaking too quietly and ignoring his requests for sausages, bread, etc. just because he's hard of hearing; lest we not forget poor Mr Bump, who is enslaved by a local farmer to bash into his apple trees seven days a week (probably on minimum wage) in order to get his fruit out to the suppliers. Mr Bounce is 'mistaken' for a tennis ball (despite having legs, arms, a face and a little red hat), Mr Skinny's doctor thinks the best way to treat his obvious bulimia is to send him off to stay with Mr Greedy for a couple of weeks; Or there is Mr Nosey, who is frequently punched in the face for asking the simplest of questions.

However, perhaps the most horrifying tale of Mr Men terrorism is carried out on the tragic Mr Messy by those two utter b@stards, Mr Neat and Mr Tidy. Mr Messy is happily beaving about, making a mess, when suddenly two heavies in bowler hats with a menacing smile on their faces turn up, say "We're Neat and Tidy, and you're coming with us", shove Mr Messy into the back of their van, take him home, break into his house, throw him in the bath, probably rape him, comb his hair (whilst he is naked), then decide to re-arrange his house, garden and hairline. The story then ends with Hargreaves warning readers that they could be next for the ol' Neat and Tidy treatment if they are messy!

Rumours that Hargreaves was a member of the Gestapo have never been proven, but I do wonder sometimes whether he actually liked the funny little characters he has created. Was his thinking mess = bad, noise=bad, nosey=bad, bouncy=bad? Was Hargreaves trying to create his own utopia that was free of messy, noisy, nosey and bouncy folk? We may never know, as he has now passed on; but one things for sure, if Messrs Neat and Tidy show up in their bowler hats anywhere near me, I shall be running for the hills to stay with Mr Strong, the big red square tw@t...




"I feel so unclean"