Purple MonkeyRichcrock'd, er!

Evening, quite a short post for you. First, injury news ahead of BCHE Old Boys upcoming match against Den Haag SchmergenPartnerLovergehaffen. Cold blooded Strawberry blonde rapier-like striker Richard Ashby suffered an injury blow last weekend whilst drinking with the soil people. An attempt to cross Park Street in Bristol was cut short by a bloody great central reservation, resulting in Ashby eating pavement, and BCHE Old Boys' fans biting their nails. Ashby suffered cuts n' bruises and more worryingly, a hairline fracture of the wrist (his right one). Ashby is currently only wearing a wrist support and is reported to have had some trouble changing gear. When asked about the injury on Tuesday, Ashby commented " It was F**king stupid really". Well, quite. The interviewer was also keen to point out that Ashby remains, as ever, devilishly handsome.


In other news, here is a you tube clip that you have to watch, if you love Goodfellas and don't mind The Flintstones, check it out here.

Also, check out the picture of a stoned monkey to the right. he landed on our windscreen at Longeat, bad dates?

Have a good weekend, I'll let you know about Orfest next week.

Escape From Chavtown

Back at work yesterday after a great week off with Lou and Joya. Started off in Steeple last weekend, despite the journey from hell on the way down, Saturday was a brilliant day as got to catch up with The Brothers Hasler, My sis and her fella, Linggoo and the lovely folk down the Waggon. Back there this weekend for Orfest; will try and take a few pics and perhaps some video too. Mark's band, Blanco will be eagerly anticipated by many attending.

Anyhoo, back to the holiday, had a nice day at Longleat Safari Park, got lucky in the lion and tiger section (not like that) and saw a massive tiger and a big ol' lion (as you'd expect).

Also, had days in Bath, the Sham and Weston-Super-Mare (aptly named as 'Birmingham-on-Sea' by Mr Stevens).

Weston-Super-Mare must have the highest population of chavs anywhere in the country. Honestly, I've never seen so many badly dressed, Elizabeth Duke - wearing eejits anywhere. Some of the outfits the larger women wore (and there were plenty of them about) just beggared belief, talk about walnuts stuffed into a condom. Who is telling these people that they look OK? "Well you may be 19 stone love, but that vest and hot pants outfit really shows off your curves".

What are the pensioners of this country going to look like in 40/50 years time? W-S-M is full of dignified elderly folk, all very smartly dressed and generally being civil and normal. What are the chav generation going to be like? Instead of pearl necklaces, will old women wear bike chains round

Miss W-S-M 2008, yesterday

their neck and earrings big enough for a dog to jump through? Will the menfolk be bedecked in caps and white trainers? The future could be very bleak.

Good to see Arsenal back in action on Saturday against Barnet, pretty poor game to be honest, but Aaron Ramsey and Jack Wilshere looked very promising indeed. However, surely after all the midfield losses we've suffered this summer, Le Boss needs to buy experience doesn't he?

Enjoy the sunshine.

Midlands Mirth with Brian Stevens

a man is driving his car alone through the deserted countryside when it breaks down. he opens the bonnet, and takes a look...he cannot see anything obviously wrong, and begins to panic because he is miles form anywhere and it is getting dark. suddenly he hears a mysterious voice... 'it's the distributor cap.' he frantically looks all around him...nothing but fields...and again the voice says, louder this time... "Hello, is that Tarby?" 'it's the distributor cap.' terrified now, he checks the distributor cap...and indeed that is the problem. he cleans it, puts it back on, and the car starts. arriving at a pub sometime later, the man rushes to the bar, and shaking badly orders a double scotch. the barman askes him what the panic is, and the man explains about the mysterious voice that diagnosed his engine trouble. At the end of the bar is sat an extremely old farmer, hunched over his drink, looking menacing. 'tell me boy...' the farmer says, 'were you in the middle of nowhere 'bout 5 miles west of here, when you heard this voice??' 'y..y..yes' the man replies. 'surrounded by nowt but fields were ya??' says the farmer. 'er...yes...yes i was sir.' says the man, feeling very spooked. ''appen to notice a horse nearby did ya??' the farmers says, lifting his head to look the man in the eye. 'er.....i...think so....yes, yes there was. a white horse i think......' the man replies nervously. 'white eh?? you lucky b*stard.' replies the farmer, looking back at his drink. confused, the man plucks up the courage to ask.. ''wh...why am i lucky sir??' 'well...' the old man replies, staring into the middle distance, 'normally the brown one is there...and he knows b*gger all about cars.'

Being La

Some guest writing for you now, here's Funk Pie's token scouser, Neil Mahoney (see file photo). There'll be more guests tomorrow, when Brian Stevens returns with a filthy gag for y'all.

Being a scouser isn't easy. You have to try hard to be a scouser. It doesn't come naturally, its actually hard work. First of all I have the issue of technically not being a scouser as I come from the posh area of merseyside, but my dads from the Dingle, so that makes it alright. Every morning you need to remember to use your accent to the full and crack a joke and drop in a little song. When you get to work you need to be sickeningly happy, loud and have a story to tell. You must during the day remember that you could be being filmed by someone and that fame is just around the corner. An unrealistic view of life is required as is an opinion on everything and using the scouse right to change your opinion when you want.

Bankside

I see Alex Hleb has come out with the usual "I never said them things" after the stories this morning where he'd allegedly slagged off Le Boss and Fabregas; this is so tiresome, every summer the same things happen. You're not wanted anymore Alex, I just hope we get a replacement in soon as transfer activity at Arsenal is happening about as fast as Bella Emburg negotiating her way through a giant field of blancmange.

Finally got round to watching 'This is England' last night, if you've not seen it yet, please give it a try, and whilst you're at it, try some of Meadows' other films, especially 'Dead Man's Shoes', which is phenomenally good.

Looking forward to seeing a few people I've barely clapped eyes on over the last few months this weekend when I head back to lil' ol' Steeple Morden. The Brothers Hasler, who are back from their respective travels (or overseas abode) and Dom, who is over from Beijing briefly.

One advantage to working in Brizzle is you occasionally see nice little pieces of Banksy's work, like the one on the left, which is painted onto a house just off Park Street.

Playing 5 a side tomorrow, gotta keep sharp for the 'Dam...3 more days then got a week off work, get in.

Matt Thompson - Guitars, Gambling and a Good Egg

As I mentioned in my last post, my good friend Matt Thompson is leaving these shores to embark on a new adventure in lovely ol' Ottowa on July 14th. Here are a few paragraphs about Matt, feel free to comment or leave some of your own memories (sorry Matt, it wasn't meant to sound like an obituary)

Heytesbury
Perhaps my most abiding memory of Matt would be our silly mission to Heytesbury. Following another fun night out in Bath one Saturday evening in 2004, Matt and I decided that it was far too early to go home, and to be honest, Brian and Gareth looked like they wanted to spend some quality time together), we thought it might be a good idea to jump on a train and head to London. So, off to the station we went, no trains to Londinium. At this point, we decided we'd go to Southampton for some reason, again, there were no trains, but we did meet a 6"8 giant of a man, wearing army surplus gear, hair like Heathcliff and extremely piercing blue eyes (imagine the bad guy from No Country for Old Men with a smile...and no oxygen tank), he was waiting for a friend, we decided to split, just in case his mate Fred West turned up.

Our next stupid decision was to try and thumb a lift down to Southampton (I think we were heading to see my friend Dan, who it turned out was away that weekend), so off we headed down Great Pulteney Street. As we approached The Holborne Museum, we saw several police dog vans and about 10 officers storming the museum (it was also puring with rain at this point) "Hmm, how strange" we thought, then wandered up the road onto the A36. After a mile or so
we were picked up by 3 lads in a small car, who were going as far as Warminster. They seemed nice enough and dropped us off in a layby near Warminster; they even offered to put us up for the night, but we declined and carried on walking to Southampton until we realised how bloody stupid we were being.

This epiphany occurred in the lovely village of Heytesbury (you can have a look at how far we walked here). It was about 3.00 in the morning by this point (we had left bath about 11.30) and Heytesbury had one phone box, which happened to be next to a particularly spooky graveyard, quite apt when you consider our crepuscular activities.

We had one 10p between us so had to choose our one phone call carefully. We decided that we would phone Matt's then-girlfriend Liz, who was 'definitely' staying with her friend in Southampton . We rang Matt's girlfriend's fiends, woke up her parents and were told to bugger off. Darn. Fear not, back then, there was a freephone number for Rainbow taxis, I phoned them and eventually managed to persuade them to take us to bath, £45 later we were both safely tucked into our beds wondering what the hell we had done.

Fruit machines
I hadn't really touched fruit machines before meeting Matt, less than a year later, i was ridiculously addicted to the Doctor Who machine in the Grapes (which was a great fruity, despite not having watches as prizes), constantly swapping fivers for "five ones please, Chris". I managed to beat my terrible affliction but bore the financial brunt for much of the following year.

• His guaranteed attendance in the Grapes the second his monthly 'pay' arrived from the Bank of Winchester
• His guitar and banjo wizardry
• His no nonsense style on the football field
• His Cornish pasty feet
• Taking me on some great nights out in Winchester
• Hearing his brother's immortal words "Look, as long as you've worked enough to have £50 in your pocket to sit in the pub all day Saturday, you're doing all right"
• *note this was in 1995
• Being the only person I've phoned the police and hospitals about following his disappearance on the 'Lost Weekend'.
• Never having a dull moment in his company
• His general 'good eggness'

Wednesday night

He came round about 5 ish and we popped to the pub about 7.30 for a couple of hours, think he left about 10, then came back to ask where the nearest petrol station was, then came back 10 mins later because he'd forgotten his sunglasses. I'm presuming he got home Ok.

Matt may still make an appearance in Amsterdam, though. I suggested him setting a difficult target that if reached, would allow him to join us all. This started off being "Get a Full Time Job within 2 weeks of your arrival", but soon degenerated into ''Get an interview", then "Apply for a job", then "write a CV", then "Read a job advert" and finally, just say "job". So fingers crossed, we'll see him on the Arena Hotel on August 22nd..

Highlights and Twilights

Why the hell haven't Arsenal signed Nasri yet? Lets hope this one is sorted soon, gotta be down to Marseilles and the Ben Arfa deal, surely? Anyhoo, we could see Adebayor leave this week as well, Lord knows how this one's come about (maybe down to the 'super agents' who aren't affiliated to any club or particular player but just like to stir things up, the b*stards); if he is asking for mega money I'd let him go, he had a good season last year, but he still misses a

load of chances. Barcelona may well offer Eto'o in exchange, which I'd take in a heartbeat; Arsene may have different ideas tho. Still, Ade's reception form the fans could be interesting to hear...

Glasto was wonderful this year, saw some great music, met some lovely people and even got a little sun tan. Took a few pics but all a bit wobbly, there are a couple here and the rest will be found on my facebook profile later this week.

Band highlights were Raconteurs, Manu Chao, Goldfrapp (and her lovely dancing ladies!), Groove Armada and the Zutons. I mentioned last week that I was really looking forward to seeing the Kings of Leon and Massive Attack, they were both Ok, Kings of Leon were nearly brilliant but it gets on my wick that they omit so many great songs from the first album from their set. As for Massive Attack, I just wish I'd seen them 10 years ago as the songs didn't seem to resonate live as much as I would have expected. Oh well, still a decent gig, but without the energy or freshness of the acts I mentioned earlier.

Nevertheless, the bands take up a tiny part of your time at Glasto. As always, Lou and I were up in the Green fields stuffing ourselves with vegetarian tuck and chilling with some lovely hippy-types. There was a new area called 'Shangri-la' (which replaced the old 'Lost Vagueness' filed) which was pretty cool, it had an American Diner, a swing club, pole dancing, a big tank and various other freaky features, very lively after hours too.

Trash City was quite incredible after nightfall; check out the picture to the left, which despite not doing the sculptures any justice gives you a tiny idea of what the place was like. Think the set of 'From Dusk Till Dawn' and you'll get a vague picture of what it was like, a fabulous feat of engineering, design, sprinkled with a liberal helping of fire, lots and lots of fire.

Tried to meet up with Ginge but he went missing after the first night there. I woke up on Saturday morning with 6 messages on my phone from him in various sates of collapse, the last was let about 5.20, so hope he got back OK!

Thanks also to my sis and Dan for setting up our tent on Thursday!

On a slightly smaller scale, OrwellFest is on 26th July and has five bands playing, should be a great day as loads of Steeple people will be there; if its a success it will become a regular event on the festival calendar...

Am meeting BCHE legend Matt Thompson (who amongst other things got me addicted to fruit machines and showed me what a good guitarist should really sound like) for a farewell drink tonight as he and his lovely wife are moving to Ottawa in a couple of weeks, I'm going to write a tribute to him later this week so keep your eyes peeled....

Finally, those of you coming to Amsterdam might want to read this article regarding the smoking ban that came into effect yesterday!