Thanks, Bridesmaid, like the beard

Attended naughty driving school yesterday and was surprised by how bl**dy useful and informative it was. Most people there had the same cheesed off attitude as I held on arrival ("Tsk, what an inconvenience, i was only doing 93 in a 20 zone"), perhaps because being sent to Keynsham for the afternoon felt like punishment enough. Some folk had travelled down from London, which also seemed a bit harsh. There was also a very annoying Bristolian in attendance, who had the most local accent you'd never wish to hear,(seriously it was terrible, like a pirate's wench or something). Anyhoo, the afternoon showed me that I had forgotten nearly all of the highway code. i think the course should be compulsory for all drivers every ten years or something, 'cos as Rocky said, "If you can change and I can change, etc. Adriannnn!!"

Spent a couple of nights down Steeple Morden's finest (and only) pub, the Waggon on Friday and Saturday evening. Good to catch up with everyone, and glad to hear the beard get the stamp of approval from most folk. Mr Linngoo managed to grab tickets for the Arsenal - Fenerbahce game on November 5th for a few of us so that's something to look forward to. With Arsenal's membership scheme you're often left sitting on your tod, but thankfully we can all cuddle together on bonfire Night for a change.

Some very drunken people were in the pub for karaoke on Saturday, really bad, wobbling then singing, one guy (who I believe was a Tottenham fan) seemed to have completely lost control of his 'wind duct' and was depositing smelly flappy woof woofs all over the place, yuk. Headed back to the Hasler compound about midnight for some chat, coffee and a brilliant 'dub dance' from Kristian. Walked back past the pub at 3am and it was still open, ahh village life...

As I mention in the above paragraphs, it was a blinding weekend back east, with the obvious exception of the Arsenal match. Unbelievable (Jeff), it was a sunny day, had a lovely couple of pints with Rich and Dave before hand. what could possibly go wrong? One of football's worse enemies - complacency. I wonder if back in the day, if Morden Magpies under 15's had the same level of belief in ourselves (and the defensive abilities of Philip Winston and Daniel Horne) we would we have lost 43-0 to Standalone? That said, we can always cling to that magical 3-2 victory over St Thomas' Colts at the Rec, they were chasing the Royston Crow League Championship, whilst The Magpies were sitting near the bottom. I grabbed an early goal, then dynamic midfielder Ben Chapman added a brace to give us a shock, but wonderful victory. As Ben wheeled away in celebration after heading in his second, Daniel Brown was heard to utter "I want to sh*g you!". Ben left the club soon afterwards...

Return of an irregular feature now, as Dudley ex-pat Brian Stevens returns with one of his lovely gags:

a couple are about to tee off a round of golf. the husbands turns to his wife:

"now listen.....i cannot afford to pay for any more broken windows...so for god's sake try to keep the ball on the golf course this time ok??"

"no problem," she replies, and tees off. the ball shoots straight over some trees and an enourmous CRASH is heard.

"jesus wept," the husband cries, and runs to inspect the damage.

the couple find the ball in the hallway of a huge mansion, having smashed clean through the bay window. a man is standing amongst the broken glass, scratching his head.

"i am so sorry sir," the husband stutters to the man, "my wife is always doing this and it's costing me a fortune!"

"do not worry," reassures the housekeeper, "for i am a genie, and your wife's golfball smashed straight through the window, knocked my lamp off the shelf, and released me. i now owe you a wish, and you must allow me one in return. you may choose first."

the husband thinks, and says "could i be a millionaire please?? my wife costs me a fortune in broken glass and golfballs."

"very well!" says the genie. "now my turn. i have been locked in that lamp for 1000 years, and i am horny...i wish to take your wife upstairs and have my way with her...then you will recieve your million pounds."

the man thinks long and hard, for he loves his wife very much, but needs the money.

"erm...okay i guess.." he says.

the genie and the man's wife go upsatirs, and she gets the ravashing of her lifetime. lying in bed together, the genie reaches for a cigarette, and the wife happily takes one.

"you smoke??!?" she says.

"yes," replies the genie, "now my question. how old are you??"

"i'm 33." she replies.

"and how old is your husband?" he asks, smoking contentedly.

"he's 37." she says.

"really....?" he says. "...and he still believes in genies????!?"