Illness has been hovering over the house for a well over a week now; it’s the same at work. Getting the Park & Ride bus in the morning is depressing enough as it is, but recently, its been reminiscent of the scene in Shaun of the Dead when everyone is on the bus coughing, spluttering and generally turning into zombies- well maybe not the zombie part but some commuters come pretty close, especially in Bristol.
Shopping at lunchtimes is no fun, recently, the chav armies have been relentlessly clearing out Woolworths ("hmm, I didn't think I needed one, but this garden hose and shed set will be really handy for my 19th floor flat") and terrorising other consumers with low slung tight jeans (worn on a size 22 figure). I just want to potter about and take my time, but Christmas is no time for lolly-gagging around the shops, folk have been knifed for less.
My juices are positively overflowing with excitement about breaking up for Christmas; I have 11 1/2 days off work which is the closest I come to a school holiday these days. Most of it will be spent in Wiltshire, but there are a few days when we'll be out east, this will obviously include the Boxing Day match, will is peering over the hill at us all with its menacing icy stare. My sis is having a party (gatecrashers) the evening of the match, which will apparently be dominated by singstar, I'd have preferred Guitar hero myself, but if there's enough Desperados on tap, I'll sing anything (except 'Killing Me Softly')
Vintage Garage XI's hopes of beating Mocha Jrs to the Boxing Day trophy suffered a blow today as bandy-legged midfielder Jamie Fewster told the world he would be unable to play in the match. In a Rio Ferdinand-esque case of absentmindedness, Fewster confessed he had mixed his days up. After originally hollering "I'll play so long as we can play in black and amber. Grrrrrr up the tigers.", Fewster's latest admission had Vintage fans growling with despair.
Fewster had cited "Family commitments" as his excuse, but Funk Pie can reveal the real reason he will not be able to make the match. The Hull-born beard-monger will be rubbing whiskers with west country-based farmer Michael Eavis on his Barbados Island. Eavis was all but happy to spill the beans on his guest: "Jamie impressed me with the success of his Orfest08 festival, but I couldn't help thinking his beard needed some work. It just looks like he can't decide what he wants to do, so I've offered my help and Jamie was all to happy to take me up on my offer."
Pragmatic Vintage XI captain, Kristian Hasler though, is not ready to hit the panic button just yet: "We will miss his Tiger-like tenacity but there was always gonna be one or two called away on official duty, or splitters as we call them".
There was better news for the Vintage, however, as shot-happy newshound, Ali McKee and Litlington's top MC, Darren Chetty, both confirmed their availability. Furthermore, tazmanian devil-style defender Dominic Fitzsimmons landed safely back in Blighty this afternoon.
By Jamie's northern cousin (the cheeky one)
Mocha Juniors striker Damian Pennell was left feeling sour this week after an altercation with two fans left him coated in YOGHURT.
The Mocha man – known as the Pantomime Dame for his on-pitch theatrics in previous Christmas encounters – alleges that two men confronted him in a Royston supermarket over news he would be missing his club’s crunch match with bitter rivals, Vintage Garage, choosing instead to holiday in France.
“I was in the Yuppie Foods section when the two men started calling me names and one hit me in the face with a tub of organic yoghurt – calling me a ‘bottler’,” alleged Pennell from his Royston home.
According to Damian, his dairy ordeal has confirmed his decision to miss the crunch cup clash and made him question his future in the game.
“Provence is simply marvellous at this time of year and some people have got realise that there are some things more important than football…Puccini, birdsong on a summer’s evening, the smell of freshly baked bread, the pungent, yet tangy taste of goat’s cheese…all these have the power to seduce the senses in ways that football doesn’t,” said the poetic goal poacher, whose views have long angered many in the game.
“The two brutes who attacked me have no place in football and I urge police to throw the book at them with the same ferocity that they projected dairy produce at me,” slammed the angry Pennel.
“We have recovered CCTV footage of an incident at Tesco on Tuesday and are now looking for two men in Mocha Juniors replica shirts. When we find them we’ll give them a good slap on the back,” said PC Chapman of Herts Constabulary. “I meant wrist,” the red faced copper chortled.
It was horrible watching Emmanuel Eboue get jeered so venomously on Saturday, save the vitriol for shouting at the opposition please. It would be good if these 'fans' could channel some of their passion into creating a decent atmosphere at the Emirates instead of barracking one of our own players. Poor ol' Eboue, I know just how he feels. Once, at primary school (think I was about 7 or 8), we were kicking a ball around in the playground and I happened to launch a howitzer straight at Sarah Rees, who toppled over like any other 6 year old would have after being struck in the knees by a Frans Thijssen unburstable ball at high speed. Unfortunately, said girl cried and the playground monitor (a ginger woman who also doubled up as a dinner lady) decided that the ball should be confiscated. Cheers for that, love, I obviously got the blame, which meant a baying mob of kids surrounding me continuously shouting "Can't control a ball" (this scene still haunts me today), with only my dear sister defending me. I couldn't really get a word in edgeways with the gathered throng's unrelenting chanting drowning out my cries of "technically my control was perfect, the girl just ran across the path of the ball as it was headed towards Mathew Bull". This was one occasion when the bell saved me from more chanting, thankfully the prospect of an afternoon on the BBC micro meant that everyone had forgotten the incident by teatime, except me, who is kept awake every night by that relentless chant...
Lovely weekend with Kris and Ange, my God did my liver take a battering, the recycle bin was emptied on Thursday but full of empty booze bottles by Saturday morning. Conversation inevitably turned to the Boxing Day encounter; when asked if Vintage Garage XI would adopt a physical approach to the game, the elder Hasler brother sneered: "We'll play to our strengths". Vintage's captain is still bitter about having to work on the Saturday morning, denying him valuable time with the rest of his squad at the team hotel on the morning of the game. Mocha Juniors brushed aside the alleged inconvenience, with committed midfielder Richard "Killer" Fitzsimmons hollering "I couldn't give a rat's @rse what that bunch get up to before the match. We're concentrating on our own game; our mantra is "No defeat. No surrender"; let's see how they like them apples.". A gangster rapper in his spare time, Killer usuually does his talking on the stage, not the football pitch. However, he was kind enough to give Funk Pie access to some exclusive footage of his latest freestyle battle, filmed in the projects, near Hinxworth; you can see the vid at the bottom of this post
Nearly as exciting as the Boxing Day match is the upcoming Barca-Real Madrid game this weekend, although Barca look certainties, with good ol' Thierry grabbing a hat-trick against Valencia at the Camp Nou. Even the Madrid coach looks to have given up already; Schuster said "winning at the Camp Nou is impossible. Barcelona are flattening everyone. It's their year. The state we're in, all we can do is put in a decent performance. We can't ask for more." well confidence will be soaring through the Madrid players' veins now, won't it? Expect those white hankies to be waved with gusto during the next game at Santiago Bernabeu. *OK, it's now the evening and they've gone and sacked him.
Had a rare trip to the cinema to finally watch 'Quantum of Solace', or 'Something of Wotsit as Adam & Joe put it. Not bad, but inferior to Casino Royale. Interesting to see where Bond will go next, as at the moment, he's seems to be turning into Jack Bauer. There are 4 Bond stories left to turn into films, these include Risico and The Hildebrand Rarity.
Best of luck to El Wristo starring Dave Boardman, who are in this years Battle of the Band Final at Moles (remember when we won that, la?) this Wednesday evening.
Finally, a big shout out to Marcus who finally hands in his last price of work for his Music Therapy course this week, after 3 years of real hard yakka. Good on you, dude, be good to see more of you from now on.
Been a while, but here goes another ramble...Cracking weekend last week with Mr Brown, Friday was quite spooky as it was really foggy in the evening, a good old fashioned pea-souper it was, the sense of the macabre was accentuated by scary men in the pub wearing undertakers outfits and tall hats (think the Rhys Ifans character in Oasis' ‘Importance of Being Idle’ video). They just sat at the bar, drinking (I suppose they were in a pub) and then disappeared into the fog to go on a cadaver hunt (usually found near Yilmaz Kebabs in Somerfield car park). Post pub, a punishing FIFA09 session followed, which included 2 defeats in a row for this writer (1-0 against Spudz at the Lane). A change in tactics the following evening restored normality, as I triumphed several times; culminating in an 8-1 victory against a disconsolate Spurs team...
Headed into Bath for the carnage that is the Christmas Market on Saturday, so busy, but worth it for the burgers. It was great to see Dan, bless 'im, we had a lot to catch up on and hopefully we won't leave it so long next time.
I think Brown’s release for the Boxing Day match has also been secured after much haranguing; he will definitely add to the skill set already present in Mocha Juniors midfield. The fear is though, that the Juniors are missing defensive steel for the upcoming encounter, which puts a lot of pressure on iron man, Russ Foulger, at the back. Russ has already made his concerns about footwear very clear "Bit worried about my girly trainers on what's sure to be an 'end of tournament' quality pitch", Foulger uttered earlier this week. He re-assured fans though that his current form was one reason to be cheerful: "I had a great game on Thursday...Two goals, back heel flicks, leaving defenders for dead. The works. Seems like I might be coming into a rare patch of form" Words that are sure to send a shiver of fear down the spines of the opposition.
The Sun, eh? I’m sure some of you read it, I used to. Back in Newton Park days, each morning, it would be little trip to the SU shop for 20 Marlboro lights, a banana milkshake and a copy of the current bun (once, in my early days of working at the Council, I asked a colleague to get me a copy of the 'current bun' and he brought me back an actual bun - tw@t), then back to my room to try and avoid Gareth. Anyway, I digress; The Sun is read by a few people here, usually to look at pictures of those faux celebs in the forest, but mostly to look at boobs. The Sun could easily have the same headline every single day and it wouldn’t make much difference (no matter if it was 'demanding' that social workers lose their jobs or that we all stick our fingers up across the channel), that headline would read "Look at these tits", because, dear reader that's all the paper is really good for and where we all end up when we pick up a copy.
Tonight, it’s the turn of Kristian and Angie to visit our little town. Angie will become the first American to stay with us, I hope she says "that's a load of ass" again, as it does make me laugh. It'll be a cheap and cheerful weekend as the crunch bites, but we'll still fit in a trip to Lacock (heh) and the pub, looking forward to it.
Watched a great film last night: Reeker. 'Tis a 'teen' horror film set in the Nevada desert (don't let that put you off), gory & very violent, terrific story. Got a bit of a Rob Zombie feel about it, but less 'hicky' (not Earl Hickey).
Getting towards that time when 'James Brown's Funky Christmas' will be on the stereo, a quality album that’s a million miles away from the dross you hear piped through shops this time of year, fave track: "Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto". So there you go, I’ve started and finished with a brown, just like, erm, Tony Meo.