The exclusives just keep on comin', kids. This week, Foden icon and towering defender Big Russ Foulger has his say, and he ain't scared to say it:
What are Mocha's main areas of strength this year?
Referees have taken a lot of flak this year in the professional game, but outside the top-flight there was no more shocking decision making than that of Paul Hasler. So, I'd say that our biggest strength could be anyone else pulling on the black jersey. That aside, I think we're hungry; It was a humiliating defeat last year and we won't want two of those on the spin. I also sense a little complacency from Vintage this time round.
Who do you admire (in a non-sexual way) on the Vintage team?
What I like about them collectively is their confidence, but let me make it clear that we don't fear them. They may have embarrassed us last year but I reckon we're a potential banana skin for that lot this year. There's been a lot of personnel changes on both sides and I think they've suffered some losses whilst we've managed to consolidate. Individually, for work rate, you can't overlook Richard Holme. But I wonder whether he might have lost a yard or two over the year.
Who do you admire (in a sexual way) on the Vintage team
Don't get me wrong, Martin, I've got a couple of pink shirts in the wardrobe, if you know what I mean, but they don't impress me much. Sure, they've got their share of pretty boys, but I wouldn't go near any of them with yours.
How can Mocha lay the ghost of last year's defeat to rest?
We've got to show them we mean business right from the get go. Set our stall out early doors. I think if we can do that they'll run out of ideas pretty quickly and we're looking at a rout
Any prediction for the score?
What was the score last year? Well you can double that f*cker this time round. To us, though, obviously.
Our intrepid Funk Pie reporter headed to Los Angeles this week to catch up with ex-player and the Hollywood gossip columnists' favourite ex-pat, Daniel Brown. Once a dynamic attacking midfielder for the great Morden Magpies team of the early 1990s, Brown now spends his time stealing scotch eggs from the buffet at Film premieres and then selling them onto the homeless (probably)...
What was the main reason for Vintage's victory last year?
Firstly I should make it clear that I could not make last years game. That said, when I heard the result it came as a genuine shock that Mocha had been turned over. On paper there was only one winner. Mocha had all the talent, younger legs and most importantly they had goals in them. Downes, Hasler, Linggood..School of Finishing alumni. They had strength too in the imposing form of Foulger and with Andy Goose the ablity to open up a defence made up of largely one dimensional hatchet-men.
I still scratch my head at the result. It was beauty vs the beast and there was nothing pretty about the outcome.
Vintage have been hit by the withdrawal of hat trick hero from last year, Darren Chetty, who do you feel will take up the mantle of goal-sniffer supreme for the team?
Chetty's days as the golden child of the morden football circuit will not be forgotten. Last year by all accounts appeared to be a lesson from the master in finding the back of the net. This loss will affect Vintage badly for sure. There is no direct replacement for DC so I guess the goal burden is going to have to be shared. Matt Gray is worth a goal a game, Jamie knows where the goal is and Rich Holme is always happy to take aim from distance. Kris Hasler has composure in front of goal too but I still see them finding it hard without their talisman.
With Irish stalwart Russell "XX" Foulger commanding the Mocha Jrs defence, can you see any way through for Vintage XI?
When big Russ floors you...you don't get up. Aerial threats should be dealt with easily but its when the ball is fizzing around that the big man can be found out. If Vintage pack the midfield and push forward en masse then I can see problems, but with no Chetty and question marks over the vintage forward line then Foden's finest could be in for a picnic in the park.
Like last year, many pundits feel the younger legs of Mocha Jrs will be the difference between the two sides this time round, how can Mocha drive home this supposed advantage?
If truth be told, no-one lining up on the day is fully match fit. Matt G has been conditioning himself with a tough cycling regime for sometime now but full backs rarely control a game. Mocha certainly have a little youth on their side again but conditions will be crucial...as will turkey consumption levels and the alcohol intake from the night before. Is the drinking ban in place this year?
Who will be the dangermen on the Vintage XI team?
Fewster can play a big role but he's prone to drift in and out of a game. If he's in the mood Mocha will do well to keep him quiet. Paul Hasler is key for me. His refereeing is certainly questionable but he still manages to be handed the whistle for the big games. How many "nailed-on" pens have we seen turned down, offside goals given without a second glance and Dom Fitz has been walking the red-card tightrope for many a year.
How will you be watching the game this year?
Fox Soccer Channel. Beer, nachos and a half-time skype update from Ginger Prentice in The Waggon..sound affair!
And finally, a tip for the result?
Mocha all the way, close until the second half then a flourish with Killer's keen positioning bagging him a brace : 5-2
As promised last week, one of Funk Pie's roving reporters made an all expenses trip to Beijing last week (courtesy of Roy Walker's 'Catchphrase') to catch up with chain smoking, cinema car-driving business man, Dom Fitzsimmons. Fitzsimmons answered our reporter's questions as candidly as we hoped...
What was the main reason for Vintage's victory last year?
Goals. And lots of them. Bean-powered goal machine, Darren Chetty was on fire easily capitalizing on a defence that had all the strength of a wet tissue. And let’s face it, that bunch of w*nkers are all too familiar with a damp bit of Kleenex. Vintage were brilliant at the back thanks to Rich and Matt – a solid foundation that their midfield found easy to build on. Paul “the wall” Hasler was brilliant in goal – the gobby stopper – and his distribution set lads off on runs and brought people into the game. As Mocha fell behind they threw more up front and when the breaks came, that awful defence was laid bare….
Vintage have been hit by the withdrawal of hat trick hero from last year, Darren Chetty, who do you feel will take up the mantle of goal-sniffer supreme?
Hard to say as the team list is not set yet. With DC on international duty I predict Jamie will be pushed up front and will get a couple. If Kristian makes the fixture he’ll be one to watch in midfield. Expect a textbook long range screamer from Ricky “The Hammer” Holme or Matthew “Magnesium” Gray. 
Many pundits felt the younger legs of Mocha Jrs would be the difference between the two sides last year, how did Vintage plan to negate this threat?
Younger legs? Don’t make me laugh! Mocha are undoubtedly younger than vintage; but they are not exactly spring chickens and, with the exception of a couple of skinny lads, no stranger to a pint, a packet of fags, a chicken boona and a good sit down. When the chant of “who ate all the pies?” rings out across Morden Rec’ it could come from either set of fans.
Mocha Jrs were quite vocal in criticising the match officials last time round, do you think any of their accusations were justified?
Oh, yes. Maybe they are young at heart after all – lots of toddler ‘but why?!’ whining. Pathetic, really. I would not be surprised if a Mocha player throws their toys out of the pram this year around. Maybe even moan about it on their blog for the next year.
Who will be the dangermen on the Mocha Jrs team?
Just because he looks like Giant Haystacks’ mini-me, don’t go writing off Downesy – he’ll provide a nice cutting edge to a midfield packed with nippy talent: Lingoo, Andy Goose and Nathan. Killer will be in the mix, Big Russ will be up for it as he runs about looking a bit like Pat Butcher.
How will you be watching the game this year?
Sky Sports in the pub. Get home via the takeaway to catch the highlights on Match of the Day.
And finally, a tip for the result?
Hard to call…but I think it could go either way by a couple of goals…though I’m going to say Vintage because that’s who I want to win.
Stupid Christmas adverts, at the risk of sounding like Charlie Brooker, I almost vomited over my TV when I saw that effin Jamie Oliver one. So, Oliver, you drive across the country in your big ol' Sainsburys truck like BJ and the Bear, making salmon canape's for greedy middle class oiks who live in idyllic villages and towns, no chavs, druggies or any of that sort in view. And anyway, if you're such a man of the people, why aren't you feeding these delicious snacks to the homeless instead of all those fatties who gathered around you bloomin great lorry. Love your recipes though.
Thanks to the wonderful invention that is Sky+, I usually can whizz through adverts thusly avoiding their brain-melting messages (I once saw a little poster on a huge billboard for something or other saying 'Inspire us to think, not to buy' -good point, that.).
Speaking of brain-melting, I saw Zombieland last week, not bad at all. However, it fails the most basic of tests for a zombie pic, i.e.Zombie's should not run, they are dead. I've already had a rant about this here, so I won't go into it again...
Back to the subject of this year's Garage Trophy match, I should have some interviews to publish soon from 2 players who although in absentia, are keen to have a say on the game.
It's been a while but this site is now up and running again, it'll mainly be concentrating on the second annual Garage Trophy match between Mocha Juniors and (reigning champs) Vintage Garage XI to be played on December 27th at Steeple Morden Rec.
Last year’s mach saw the elder statesmen rattle off a 7-3 victory splattered in controversy following several debatable refereeing decisions. The Juniors have waited all this time to take their revenge and will be hoping their young legs and fresh spunk will guide them to victory this time round.
Early Team News
VG11
The Vintage will have to seriously increase their uptake of cod liver oil as two vital squad members have already pulled out of this year's match. Midfielder, Dom Fitzsimmons has cited 'transportation difficulties' as the reason for his absence. Whilst shot-hungry local news star, Ali McKee is hosting a turkey and Pimms party at his local church hall.
However, these devastating losses have been offset by the return of Sawyer from Lost look-alike Jamie Fewster, who missed last year's match. Fewster is eager to make his mark on the occasion; the ebullient attacking midfielder will add a smile to this otherwise, frankly miserable team.
MJ
As yet, no-one has officially pulled out of the Mocha squad. Doubts linger over the commitment of Daniel Brown, who seems destined to follow a career in the MLS. Whilst surgeons working on rebuilding Mark Thorp's knee are reporting slow progress. Defensive lynchpin, Russ Foulger, will have to play with his mobile secreted in his jock strap (set to vibrate - the phone, not the jock strap) just in case his latest offspring decides to make an early appearance.
There will be lots more to come as we build up to the match, next time, some player interviews!
Keep checking for updates and feel free to comment (icon at the top of this post)
Been a while since I've written on here, was gonna have a rant about swine flu but I didn't see the point. However, really sad news today as Sir Bobby Robson has died.
I'm reading All Played Out by Pete Davies at the moment; its an outstanding book about the 1990 World Cup. Davies has access to all the players as well as the press and to that end, the conflict between the two factions. I'm sure some of the same press that castigated Robson before a ball had been kicked in anger at the 1990 World Cup will be eulogising about him in the papers tomorrow, Robson said himself :"I was just a victim of the tabloid newspaper war. I had watched this cancer spread over the eight years. It was ugly and damaging".
I met Bobby Robson once, well I say 'met', myself and my friends Nathan and perhaps Andy Gray (not that one) were at Portman Road for an exhibition game between the Ipswich 1981 UEFA Cup winning team and an England XI (including Barnes, Waddle an, er Chris Woods- who Alan Brazil sat on his backside with one of the goals). We standing around chatting, when we heard a voice from behind us say "'Scuse me lads", and lo and behold, wor Bobby walked past us with John Barnes, polite as you like with that radiant smile of his in full view. As brief a meeting as you could imagine, but a memorable all the same.
To close here are some of Bobby's finest quotes, bless yer big man, you were a true great:
* "I played cricket for my local village. It was 40 overs per side, and the team that had the most runs won. It was that sort of football"
* "We're taking 22 players to Italy, sorry, to Spain... where are we, Jim?" On whether Paul Gascoigne should have gone to the 1998 World Cup.
* "If you're a painter, you don't get rich until you're dead. The same happens with managers. You're never appreciated until you're gone, and then people say: 'Oh, he was OK'. Just like Picasso"
* "Ray Wilkins' day will come one night"
* Alan Brazil: "I'm delighted to say we've got Sir Bobby Robson on the end of the phone, fresh from getting his knighthood at Buckingham Palace.
Bobby, terrific news."
Sir Bobby Robson: "What is?"
Brazil: "You know, getting the old sword on the shoulder from Prince Charlie."
Sir Bob: Eh? [Long pause] "Oh yeah... well, it was a day I'll never forget."
Been reading pretty much the whole of the Mr Men library to my daughter over the past few months (not the new ones written by Roger Hargreaves's son, mind, they shouldn't be allowed, Mr Cool indeed...) and have been just a little bit outraged at some of the cruel (some might say barbaric) treatment metered out to the 'Mr's' by their human neighbours.
There is the familiar case of Mr Noisy's peers all speaking too quietly and ignoring his requests for sausages, bread, etc. just because he's hard of hearing; lest we not forget poor Mr Bump, who is enslaved by a local farmer to bash into his apple trees seven days a week (probably on minimum wage) in order to get his fruit out to the suppliers. Mr Bounce is 'mistaken' for a tennis ball (despite having legs, arms, a face and a little red hat), Mr Skinny's doctor thinks the best way to treat his obvious bulimia is to send him off to stay with Mr Greedy for a couple of weeks; Or there is Mr Nosey, who is frequently punched in the face for asking the simplest of questions.
However, perhaps the most horrifying tale of Mr Men terrorism is carried out on the tragic Mr Messy by those two utter b@stards, Mr Neat and Mr Tidy. Mr Messy is happily beaving about, making a mess, when suddenly two heavies in bowler hats with a menacing smile on their faces turn up, say "We're Neat and Tidy, and you're coming with us", shove Mr Messy into the back of their van, take him home, break into his house, throw him in the bath, probably rape him, comb his hair (whilst he is naked), then decide to re-arrange his house, garden and hairline. The story then ends with Hargreaves warning readers that they could be next for the ol' Neat and Tidy treatment if they are messy!
Rumours that Hargreaves was a member of the Gestapo have never been proven, but I do wonder sometimes whether he actually liked the funny little characters he has created. Was his thinking mess = bad, noise=bad, nosey=bad, bouncy=bad? Was Hargreaves trying to create his own utopia that was free of messy, noisy, nosey and bouncy folk? We may never know, as he has now passed on; but one things for sure, if Messrs Neat and Tidy show up in their bowler hats anywhere near me, I shall be running for the hills to stay with Mr Strong, the big red square tw@t...
"I feel so unclean"
Local and European elections this week, had a plethora of pamphlets posted through the letterbox over the past month, ranging from the crazy (The Pensioners Party) to the outright laughable (BNP).
According to their agitprop, the BNP are claiming that Corsham is the 'Fascist Capital of the West' - crikey, shouldn't there be some kind of warning as you enter the town? This mishmash of a leaflet has some touching photos of smiling families, gleeful old folk who have the look only Daily Mail readers have after they've buried a couple of Polish builders in their garden, and workers wearing day-glo jackets (imaginative demographic spread there), as well as a picture of a glorious spitfire, primed for some bombing action (despite the irony obviously being lost on the designers that spitfire pilots actually fought against fascism).
I haven't had the chance to address one of the BNPs chimps face to face yet as they don't tend to canvass door to door (or probably struggle to read maps, numbers on houses, etc.), but I do hope they try to deliver a pamphlet in person as I would love to return it to them with a request to please shove it up Nick Griffin's a-hole sideways. They usually post a gorilla or two at the polling station (Last time it was a guy who was still working out how to tie his boot laces- i think he was in his 40s) so I may take a picture for this site on Thursday for a new feature 'Missing Link of The Week' or maybe 'C--t of the Week'?
The Daily Mail generation are probably the most active political influence at present, inevitable really, these things happen in cycles. In 20 years time, you'd hope that this generation's' quasi-liberalism would shape the country, but we shouldn't have to wait that long. The political process is in such a shambles, that there probably won't be a major ruling party for many years to come, good- those parties are not qualified to represent the good folk of this country. Even before the expenses story broke, it rs being blindingly obvious that these people have been skanking all of us since day one, no matter how Brown and Cameron flap around saying how things must be fixed (all this while petrol prices ARE STILL rising at a ridiculous rate), well nothing you could do would convince me that any of those eejits are capable of fixing anything, apart from an expenses form.
And finally, on a lighter note, here is a picture of a work truck round the corner from the house, is this guy's name real??
Another hiatus for your author, but I've returned for a bit, at least. Also thought the site could do with a break from the 50's diner look...
There was another BCHE reunion at the end of April;, unfortunately this meant driving into the heart of industrial Wales for a match against several thugs, a couple of hobbits and one Brazilian (how did he end up there?). Anyhoo, we triumphed 6-0 and video highlights are available here. I won't harp on too much about my brace, which included a sumptuous volley into the top corner (it was criminally missed from the match video). Always a pleasure to see everyone, Robbie had rehearsed his act very well, and poor Chris, spending all that time organising the match, only to get injured after 30 seconds. That's got to be the shortest appearance in Wales since Brian got that cameo in Pobl Y Cym in 2002.
it looks like next years' match will once again be against the Dutch, only this time the game will be in Bath (perhaps to be played at Twerton Park - which would unfortunately involve going to Twerton). The whole thing seems to be turning into a BCHE '96 reunion, which can't be a bad thing; if you're on Lorraine Chasebook, have a look for Mick's 40th , etc.
Why haven't any of these expense-fiddling MPs been arrested yet? And why are they only proposing to look at the last four years worth of claims? And another thing, why the hell are the media saturating our poor TVs with this story whilst petrol prices get ridiculously expensive AGAIN!! Anyhoo, had this from a Mark Thomas email subscription and thought it was worthy of passing on (Neil and i met a very young Mr Thomas when he played the BCHE SU back in 1996, you can probably spot our names in the 'thanks' section of his books):
Lawyers acting on behalf of Mark Thomas served Speaker Martin with legal papers demanding an independent audit and investigation into the scandal of MPs expenses. The audit should examine all claims going back to 1997, not just the last four years, any mispayments or misclaimed expenses should be repaid rather than rely upon voluntary repayment when MPs feel adequately embarrassed and if there is evidence of fraudulent claims then the police should be called in to investigate.
MPs should be subject to the same standards and laws as the rest of us. If Speaker Martin does not launch an independent investigation then Mark and the lawyers will seek a Judicial Review of his actions.
(Full details on www.markthomasinfo.com)
And if anyone sees the gutless wonder who's taking pot shots at my sister's cat (he's taken two bullets now and only has one eye), please grab him/her at once and send them to Marcellus Wallace for processing.
Right, I'm off for something to eat, although I hope it's nothing like this:
Daley Thompson, eh? Heard the mustachioed decathlete on the wireless the other night and he reminded me of two great things:
1) Daley Thompson's Decathlon on the ZX Spectrum: One of the most memorable Speccy games ever, this maelstrom of rubber keyed after school madness even took precedence over Rolf's Cartoon time on occasions.
2) The Daley Thompson Lucozade advert, backed by Iron Maiden. Oh yeh, turn it up find it here
Enjoy.
Oh, and Matt Thompson broke down on the way here, the emotion of the occasion must've got to hi- oh, he put unleaded in a diesel tank you say? Fear not, heading down to Winchester on Sunday now to catch up with with the banjo-playin' shirt model.
Saw Watchmen last week , a film I've been very much looking forward to seeing as it brings to life one of the finest graphic novels ever written (geek heaven really). Zack Snyder did an ace job, the opening credits are a pleasure to behold, and despite it running at nearly 3 hours, I was pretty absorbed for the complete running time (despite questioning whether I needed the loo for most of the last 2 hours of running time). Of course, the writer of the book, Alan Moore cut all ties with Hollywood a while back, after they completely @rsed up The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (by adding extra characters, for example), and had nowt to do with this production; however, Dave Gibbons, whom he co-wrote the book with, was on set for a fair amount of time, which obviously helped maintain a smooth transition from page to celluloid. Two of the folk I went with (lets call them Richard and Marcus) enojoyed it but got a bit lost in places; its certainly not your average superhero romp, no siree, but presents a dark alternate reality set in the misdt of the Cold War. But hey, a story which begins with the death of The Comedian was never going to be full of laughgs. I'd recommend you read the book before seeing the film, though; however, nothing can truly prepare you for watching Dr Manhattan's' big blue CGI wang swinging around in the breeze..
Meeting Ottowa's newest bar-fly Matt Thompson this Wednesday for a catch up as he's back UK side for a week or two. It's always good to catch up with ol' Matt, had one of my best Glasto nights with him; during which I had asked him what he thought of my idea (under the severe influence) of doing a book/TV Show on a search for the Ark of the Covenant, solely using clues from 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'. After much babbling and dribbling, Matt hollered at me "But what are you going to do??! It's Lost!!!" I replied "We're gonna find it", cue eight and a half minutes of inane giggling. I guess you had to be there (and off yer t1ts on...). By the way, please don't steal my TV programme idea.
Currently decorating the spare room, which should be finished this weekend. Anyhoo, when looking for some newspaper to cover the floor, I found a copy of the Daily Wail (my folks read it, bless 'em and left it on their last visit) which is now being used to protect the carpet from red paint. It's always hilarious to read some of the headlines in that particular rag, but apart from the usual headlines: "Illegal Immigrants linked to Unemployment/Recession/Russell Brand/Them Murders/World War II/Police Academy 6, etc", the one that lays face up in my hallway simply states "Credit crunch brings a surge of neo-Nazism", you wish Daily Wail, you wish...
Funny ol' few weeks really; spent the majority of t'other Saturday with Marcus prepping our spare room for some serious decoration. The previous owners of our house were a real bunch of scummers, they really were (are). Their DIY technique would be defined as 'sloppy' at best . Bit of a funny family, when I first went into the loft of our house I found some graffiti on the water tank which read 'Orks live here'; i had a quick look around the floor but the only thing i could find was blond doll's head. Many strange things wee left behind by that funny family, a nice leathery cat of nine tails was left hanging off one of the curtain rails, for instance.
Anyway, the work was slightly slowed down by the fact that Marcus and I had decided to set my decks up and have a bit of a retro mashup; several tunes didn't stand the test of time too well, notably 'Sugar is Sweeter' by CJ Bolland or any of Tin Tin Out's old stuff (Jake - we would've danced our booty's off to this), nevertheless, Keep on Jumpin' by the Lisa Marie Experience mixed into Professional Widow by Tori Amos will sound good forever.
Reading 'The God Delusion' by Dickie Dawkins at the moment. Very polemic, thought provoking price of work it is too. I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of one of Corsham's many pairs of Christian folk at my front door (they always travel in pairs in our town, and are usually octogenarians) for a nice theological debate "have you thought about the church can help the world, young man?" "Well yes, young crone, by packing up and trying to undo hundreds of years of oppression and needless slaughter across the lands of the world, in fact, you can apply this to all religions young crone, how's that sound?" "do you want a pamphlet?".
The BCHE Old Boys footie team are being wheeled out of retirement once more at the end of April for a game against a team of welshies. We'll be keen to carry on our unbeaten run (of one game) after the demolition of the Dutch in August last year. Rumours are that beloved teammates Brian & Paul will be setting off for the game a week before kick off, just to ensure participation. i got another effin' speeding ticket, this time i was caught travelling INTO Wales, i deserve everything I get, i spose.
Had a chat at work about how many people called 'Steve' were tw*ts, I could only think of a couple of decent ones I knew, anyone else? The ratio of tw*ttage to Steveage was pretty high down Bristol way.
Anyhoo, I'll leave you with this lovely video from an old Adam and joe show, it's their fab Star Wars Crystal Maze spectacular. You can listen to them every Saturday morning, you know, on BBC 6 Music. Cheerio
I am getting a bit fed up of people using the phrase "Credit Crunch" as an excuse for everything. It seems that if you commit an act deemed as either a bit frugal, illegal, stupid, if you giggle and cite "heh, credit crunch", you'll be off the hook. So if you spot a crim sucking petrol out of your tank with a hosepipe, he'll clear his gob, offer you a cheeky smile and gasp: “credit crunch, mate" and off you both trot skipping into the sunset. See a man in a white transit drive blatantly into an open field and start cramming as many cows and sheep as he can manage in the back of his van, "credit crunch" he pleads as he shrugs his shoulders. Government gives billions of taxpayers money to the @rseholes who caused this problem in the first place "credit crunch" mumbles our Prime Minister...
Society could be on the brink of collapse pretty soon really, so it's worth a reading a great story in the guardian today about surviving the apocalypse (say it 3 times, La). If you woke up on your own (every other human wiped out), you'd only really have 2 days of electricity and running water in your house, so you'd have to come up with some heating and eating alternatives. I think I've watched enough Bear Grylls to be able to survive in the woods for a couple of weeks, but it'd probably get a bit too Blair Witch in there after a while. The article also mentions some fun stuff (for fun stuff, read 'stealing stuff') you could get up to, in my post apocalypse bogus adventure, I'd be straight off to the Emirates for a game of headers and volleys on my own, grab a trophy (probably the little gold special trophy we got for the unbeaten season - can't imagine hauling the old Football League Trophy on my back for eternity), before heading over to White Hart lane to plant an Arsenal shirt in the centre circle and maybe use various parts of their stadium as a latrine. That'd probably use up a lot of energy (and fluid), so I'd tootle on over to Harvey Niks, grab some fine champagne and snacks and bounce around on the Queen's bed for a few hours dancing to some old skool rave. Apparently, the nuclear reactors would all explode within a week, too, which means your options are pretty limited. I'm in the right place, as Corsham has a series of nuclear bunkers, built for the use of the government at the height of the cold war, just in case those crazy yanks n' Commies got it awwwwn...
Great equaliser by RvP last night after another horrible Arsenal performance, thank jiggery he's fit as no-one else looked like producing any moments of magic. Arsenal are suffering from a severe lack of creativity at the moment, the quick passing and dynamism Fabregas, etc. give them has just dissipated. Adebayor looks frankly awful and Song doesn't possess the passing quality that Arsenal require. Pretty bad time to play Everton (like), they're a frickin' tough team and Cahill really is the man of the moment; he leaps so well for smaller lad, a bit like Podmore Stevens in his prime (but without the bellowing roar of "BRIAN'S!!!!!!!!" preceding the ball hitting his bonce, one would hope)
Neil has set up a new section of his site aside for Funk Pie, so we will be moving over there soon, just a question of finding the time to do it at the moment. I'll set up some kind of redirection though so our millions of readers aren't disappointed.
Bonkers mad transfer window doin's afoot this week. Good grief, over £100m for a player is more ridiculous than when Neil cheated at Championship Manager 2 and gave Everton £250m and a reputation of 10/10.
Kaka's proposed transfer is the story Sky Sports News have been craving since the transfer window creaked open on January 1st. Man City have not only blown the window open, they've blown it open with a Sherman Tank and taken the rest of the effin' house with it. City were happy to pay £11m for Wayne Bridge for crissake, he's not worth that!
It is hard to empathise that money really is no object to their owners; they're even planning on paying for Kaka up front, £107m up front!! What a payday for Milan (for Milan, read Berlusconi), his agent, his dad, and of course, Jesus, as we all know that's who Kaka really belongs to.
But Man City? A team that won't be in the Champions League next season and could still be relegated if the bottom half of the league remains as tight as it is now. A team with alleged dressing room unrest, all led by a group containing two BRAZILIAN malcontents. What happens if they sign him and Richard Dunne drunkenly clatters into him into his first training session and ruptures his cruciate? It's too bizarre to predict what's round the corner on this one. Maybe Abramovich will come out of hiding and try to hijack the deal; a bidding war between those two clubs would be a sight to behold.
The big question if Kaka does sign will be: what happens next? I'll wager it won't be an amusing clip of John Virgo f*rting on a black ball and trumping it all the way into the middle pocket to win a frame of snooker. The transfer system will have been shaken up more than a milkshake balanced in Bella Emburg's cleavage while she operates a pneumatic drill. Will we see all the top earners crying out "Not fair!" en masse and demanding higher wages? Will Man City start a DNA regeneration factory and bring back George Best, Alfredo Di Stefano and Jimmy Carter?
Meanwhile, gooners everywhere await the arrival of Arshavin from Zenit; Wenger seems confident, but someone could always gazump us to his signature. Arshavin - brilliant name, you can grab a few comedy connotations from it, e.g. "Ar!Shavin'" (imagine a smiling, stubbly pirate with a cut throat razor slicing across his chops) "Ars Havin'" (Pete), "Arsha! Vin!" ( a drunken French husband demanding more wine from his poor, bullied wife, Arsha), think that's all I can think of.
Final piece of footie chat, check this goal out from Gourcoff (another player linked with Arsenal).
Quiet weekend ahead, apart from the visit of sister. As monobrowed midlander Brian AP Stevens said very poignantly this week when asked if he would be going out this month: "January, ain't it? You just lock the effing door and wait for February.".
Buenos noches
Back in the swing of work already - how depressing. The Christmas break was just ace, saw loads of people and had a great time. All over too quick as usual. The Boxing Day match was a triumph, despite the result (the match report is coming, honest). The site of seeing everyone in the pub after the game really warmed the ol' ticker. There's talk of another match over the Easter weekend, so expect another countdown clock in the menu on the left soon. We (Mocha Jrs) were robbed btw, conceding seven goals to the old fellas was harsh, especially after a solid defensive performance from Paul's nephew and big Russ and his shiny new boots.
Speaking of Russ, I spotted one of our childhood crushes in M & S last week, dear ol' Philippa Forrester. We fancied her to the extent that we wrote her a cheeky little letter asking for a photo, preferably in swimwear (back in her broom cupboard days). I wouldn't want to see her in a bikini now, mind...
Great news about La and Rach having their baby; lil' Amelia is a cracker, can't wait to meet her, although she'll probably be in school by then (let's hope it's sooner tho, like).
Speaking of babyness (sorry, that sounds like a la-ism), Lou and I are currently trying to come up with some names for our next arrival, due in June. I'm currently going through the cast list of Star Wars and the annuls of Arsenal history for some inspiration, no success yet tho.
Exciting Premiership happenings at the moment, Arsenal seem to be one or two wins away from getting back into it, but that's been the case all season. I expect the top two is probably too much to ask this season, think we'll be in a fight to the finish with the Villa and those blue ponces from West Londinium. Thankfully, the Spuds are providing plenty of laughs at the other end of the table.
And to finish, Brian is back with a joke of the week. Our Dudleybot has also started a new band, which is hopefully better than this gag:
a wife says to her husband one night,
"tonight, i want you to make love to me like they do in the movies!!!"
so he does....he begins by ripping her skirt off her, then all sorts of bedroom gymnastics, and some particularly graphic acts, are performed with the husband having the time of his life. suddenly his wife, who finds herself with her mouth empty for a change, yells out
"STOP!!!!!!!!!!!"
"why?? what's wrong??!!?" replies the husband...
..."well" says his wife, panting.....
"you obviously watch different movies to the ones I do!!"