"That awful defence was laid bare"

As promised last week, one of Funk Pie's roving reporters made an all expenses trip to Beijing last week (courtesy of Roy Walker's 'Catchphrase') to catch up with chain smoking, cinema car-driving business man, Dom Fitzsimmons. Fitzsimmons answered our reporter's questions as candidly as we hoped...

What was the main reason for Vintage's victory last year?

Goals. And lots of them. Bean-powered goal machine, Darren Chetty was on fire easily capitalizing on a defence that had all the strength of a wet tissue. And let’s face it, that bunch of w*nkers are all too familiar with a damp bit of Kleenex. Vintage were brilliant at the back thanks to Rich and Matt – a solid foundation that their midfield found easy to build on. Paul “the wall” Hasler was brilliant in goal – the gobby stopper – and his distribution set lads off on runs and brought people into the game. As Mocha fell behind they threw more up front and when the breaks came, that awful defence was laid bare….


Vintage have been hit by the withdrawal of hat trick hero from last year, Darren Chetty, who do you feel will take up the mantle of goal-sniffer supreme?

Hard to say as the team list is not set yet. With DC on international duty I predict Jamie will be pushed up front and will get a couple. If Kristian makes the fixture he’ll be one to watch in midfield. Expect a textbook long range screamer from Ricky “The Hammer” Holme or Matthew “Magnesium” Gray.



Many pundits felt the younger legs of Mocha Jrs would be the difference between the two sides last year, how did Vintage plan to negate this threat?

Younger legs? Don’t make me laugh! Mocha are undoubtedly younger than vintage; but they are not exactly spring chickens and, with the exception of a couple of skinny lads, no stranger to a pint, a packet of fags, a chicken boona and a good sit down. When the chant of “who ate all the pies?” rings out across Morden Rec’ it could come from either set of fans.


Mocha Jrs were quite vocal in criticising the match officials last time round, do you think any of their accusations were justified?

Oh, yes. Maybe they are young at heart after all – lots of toddler ‘but why?!’ whining. Pathetic, really. I would not be surprised if a Mocha player throws their toys out of the pram this year around. Maybe even moan about it on their blog for the next year.


Who will be the dangermen on the Mocha Jrs team?

Just because he looks like Giant Haystacks’ mini-me, don’t go writing off Downesy – he’ll provide a nice cutting edge to a midfield packed with nippy talent: Lingoo, Andy Goose and Nathan. Killer will be in the mix, Big Russ will be up for it as he runs about looking a bit like Pat Butcher.


How will you be watching the game this year?

Sky Sports in the pub. Get home via the takeaway to catch the highlights on Match of the Day.


And finally, a tip for the result?

Hard to call…but I think it could go either way by a couple of goals…though I’m going to say Vintage because that’s who I want to win.