Funk Pie

VINTAGE XI 5 – 4 MOCHA JUNIORS

2010-01-21T12:43:00.000Z

K Hasler, somewhere in North Herts in a van

Vintage XI reclaimed their crown in the icy bowl of Steeple Morden Recreation Stadium in front of a crowd of at least twenty steely souls.

Early worries of absentia were assuaged when Mocha Juniors and Holland captain Nathan Hasler managed not only to get out of bed but find proper footwear.

All the big talk and childish banter before the game was rendered obsolete by a hard playing surface and an icy blast driving across the fields from the direction of pikey settlement Guilden Morden.

Yet the game commenced at a brisk pace, probably had to really so one could keep one’s testicles outside one’s body. With the current talk of a ‘Winter Break’ in the Premiership this reporter can only suggest the replacement of the Boxing Day match with one celebrating Rosh Hashanah or some made-up crap conveniently placed at the end of the Summer.

But the game, yes: The Juniors started with zeal and raced into a two-goal lead – west-country bumpkin Martin Downez flashing a cross-cum-shot beyond Paul Hasler in the Vintage goal, one of a few custodial errors the veteran would later atone for.

Nippy rocker Dan Fitzgerald doubled the Mocha lead with a low drive before Captain Marvel Kristian Hasler reduced the deficit with an uncharacteristic left-foot howitzer high into the Juniors’ net/air behind the goal. There followed an ill-advised ‘baby-cradle’ goal celebration that was ignored by most but surely left opposing ‘new Dads’ Linggood and Fitzgerald ruing telling their bairns of what might have been……

The Juniors were not impressed however and Downez completed a first-half brace with a Bergkamp-esque deft lob over the helpless goaltender to enter the break with a healthy advantage.

Fearing a Boxing Day massacre Vintage moved up a couple of gears at the onset of the second, sweeping passes from young whippersnapper Chris Challis to Mark Thorpedo coupled with ebullient displays from the strong midfield of Tractor Boy Matt Gray and Simon ‘Up the Robins’ Porter culminating in the score being quickly levelled, goals probably scored by Porter and Challis, though can’t remember for the life of me, some captain eh?

Tragedy then struck for Mocha as a calamitous fall on icy tar macadam by their doyen sticksman Graham Jarman, probably whilst he was retrieving the ball from a speculative yet wayward Thorpedo effort, meant Irish/German Herculean Russ Foulger had to take over between the posts. Rumours were abound Jarman was hit by a missile (most likely a pasty) thrown by local sideburn-heavy halfwit Brian Jeeves. Defensive totem though he is, Foulger was beaten at his near post as Vintage surged into a 4-3 lead.

Not to use their goalkeeping disaster as an excuse or anything, Mocha retaliated with a barrage of chances, Nathan Hasler going close with namesake Paul neatly turning a couple of opportunist efforts away to make up for previous mishaps. He could do nothing though when even youngerer Challis whippersnapperer Jordan levelled the score to the delight of the travelling posse from Peterborough who had delighted in the skills of Chris and Jordan, and probably watched Stu occasionally as well.

With eight goals shared the game entered its final stages, the Posh contingent as well as fans from as far afield as Potton, Baldock and Craft Way mesmerised by the spectacle on offer. Man-of-the match contender Ray Fitzgerald had marshalled the Vintage rearguard superbly, clearing a Jordan Challis effort off the line and along with defensive cohort Richard Holme justly committed to the cause. This in turn freed-up maverick Tiger Jamie Fewster to nearly steal the limelight with two long-range efforts, one bouncing off the crossbar.

But, with time ticking down and pub calling, Chris Challis took that bull by those horns and completed what may have been a hat-trick with a swerving drive that left crocked braveheart Jarman flat-footed and the Vintage holding the silver potterware.

A game for the purist, fittingly played in World Cup Year (almost) and in Corinthian spirit to boot. None more so than Mocha defender Alex Miles – the first to run to fallen hero Jarman’s aid AND then he had to go and work at Morrisons in Letchworth.

For the rest, ale-quaffing at the Waggon and Horses, p*ss-up at the Haslers with one eye on the Arsenal tw*tting the Villa, and a slap-up brunch at Miss Miggins Pie Shop. And a Happy New Year!

VINTAGE XI

Paul Hasler
Ray Fitzgerald
Richard Holme
Kristian Hasler
Matthew Gray
Simon Porter
Jamie Fewster
Chris Challis
Mark Thorpe
Jason Hill

MOCHA JUNIORS

Graham Jarman
Alex Miles
Russell Foulger
Dan Fitzgerald
Mark Linggood
Nathan Hasler
Stu Challis
Martin Downes
Richard Fitzsimmons
Jordan Challis

Behold...

2009-12-23T19:24:00.002Z

Mocha 45

2009-12-14T22:20:00.004Z

The exclusives just keep on comin', kids. This week, Foden icon and towering defender Big Russ Foulger has his say, and he ain't scared to say it:

What are Mocha's main areas of strength this year?

Referees have taken a lot of flak this year in the professional game, but outside the top-flight there was no more shocking decision making than that of Paul Hasler. So, I'd say that our biggest strength could be anyone else pulling on the black jersey. That aside, I think we're hungry; It was a humiliating defeat last year and we won't want two of those on the spin. I also sense a little complacency from Vintage this time round.

Who do you admire (in a non-sexual way) on the Vintage team?

What I like about them collectively is their confidence, but let me make it clear that we don't fear them. They may have embarrassed us last year but I reckon we're a potential banana skin for that lot this year. There's been a lot of personnel changes on both sides and I think they've suffered some losses whilst we've managed to consolidate. Individually, for work rate, you can't overlook Richard Holme. But I wonder whether he might have lost a yard or two over the year.

Who do you admire (in a sexual way) on the Vintage team

Don't get me wrong, Martin, I've got a couple of pink shirts in the wardrobe, if you know what I mean, but they don't impress me much. Sure, they've got their share of pretty boys, but I wouldn't go near any of them with yours.

How can Mocha lay the ghost of last year's defeat to rest?

We've got to show them we mean business right from the get go. Set our stall out early doors. I think if we can do that they'll run out of ideas pretty quickly and we're looking at a rout

Any prediction for the score?

What was the score last year? Well you can double that f*cker this time round. To us, though, obviously.

Hollywood Swinging

2009-12-09T12:54:00.002Z

Our intrepid Funk Pie reporter headed to Los Angeles this week to catch up with ex-player and the Hollywood gossip columnists' favourite ex-pat, Daniel Brown. Once a dynamic attacking midfielder for the great Morden Magpies team of the early 1990s, Brown now spends his time stealing scotch eggs from the buffet at Film premieres and then selling them onto the homeless (probably)...

What was the main reason for Vintage's victory last year?

Firstly I should make it clear that I could not make last years game. That said, when I heard the result it came as a genuine shock that Mocha had been turned over. On paper there was only one winner. Mocha had all the talent, younger legs and most importantly they had goals in them. Downes, Hasler, Linggood..School of Finishing alumni. They had strength too in the imposing form of Foulger and with Andy Goose the ablity to open up a defence made up of largely one dimensional hatchet-men.
I still scratch my head at the result. It was beauty vs the beast and there was nothing pretty about the outcome.

Vintage have been hit by the withdrawal of hat trick hero from last year, Darren Chetty, who do you feel will take up the mantle of goal-sniffer supreme for the team?

Chetty's days as the golden child of the morden football circuit will not be forgotten. Last year by all accounts appeared to be a lesson from the master in finding the back of the net. This loss will affect Vintage badly for sure. There is no direct replacement for DC so I guess the goal burden is going to have to be shared. Matt Gray is worth a goal a game, Jamie knows where the goal is and Rich Holme is always happy to take aim from distance. Kris Hasler has composure in front of goal too but I still see them finding it hard without their talisman.

With Irish stalwart Russell "XX" Foulger commanding the Mocha Jrs defence, can you see any way through for Vintage XI?

When big Russ floors you...you don't get up. Aerial threats should be dealt with easily but its when the ball is fizzing around that the big man can be found out. If Vintage pack the midfield and push forward en masse then I can see problems, but with no Chetty and question marks over the vintage forward line then Foden's finest could be in for a picnic in the park.

Like last year, many pundits feel the younger legs of Mocha Jrs will be the difference between the two sides this time round, how can Mocha drive home this supposed advantage?

If truth be told, no-one lining up on the day is fully match fit. Matt G has been conditioning himself with a tough cycling regime for sometime now but full backs rarely control a game. Mocha certainly have a little youth on their side again but conditions will be crucial...as will turkey consumption levels and the alcohol intake from the night before. Is the drinking ban in place this year?

Who will be the dangermen on the Vintage XI team?

Fewster can play a big role but he's prone to drift in and out of a game. If he's in the mood Mocha will do well to keep him quiet. Paul Hasler is key for me. His refereeing is certainly questionable but he still manages to be handed the whistle for the big games. How many "nailed-on" pens have we seen turned down, offside goals given without a second glance and Dom Fitz has been walking the red-card tightrope for many a year.

How will you be watching the game this year?

Fox Soccer Channel. Beer, nachos and a half-time skype update from Ginger Prentice in The Waggon..sound affair!

And finally, a tip for the result?

Mocha all the way, close until the second half then a flourish with Killer's keen positioning bagging him a brace : 5-2

"That awful defence was laid bare"

2009-11-25T12:31:00.003Z

As promised last week, one of Funk Pie's roving reporters made an all expenses trip to Beijing last week (courtesy of Roy Walker's 'Catchphrase') to catch up with chain smoking, cinema car-driving business man, Dom Fitzsimmons. Fitzsimmons answered our reporter's questions as candidly as we hoped...

What was the main reason for Vintage's victory last year?

Goals. And lots of them. Bean-powered goal machine, Darren Chetty was on fire easily capitalizing on a defence that had all the strength of a wet tissue. And let’s face it, that bunch of w*nkers are all too familiar with a damp bit of Kleenex. Vintage were brilliant at the back thanks to Rich and Matt – a solid foundation that their midfield found easy to build on. Paul “the wall” Hasler was brilliant in goal – the gobby stopper – and his distribution set lads off on runs and brought people into the game. As Mocha fell behind they threw more up front and when the breaks came, that awful defence was laid bare….

Vintage have been hit by the withdrawal of hat trick hero from last year, Darren Chetty, who do you feel will take up the mantle of goal-sniffer supreme?

Hard to say as the team list is not set yet. With DC on international duty I predict Jamie will be pushed up front and will get a couple. If Kristian makes the fixture he’ll be one to watch in midfield. Expect a textbook long range screamer from Ricky “The Hammer” Holme or Matthew “Magnesium” Gray.

Many pundits felt the younger legs of Mocha Jrs would be the difference between the two sides last year, how did Vintage plan to negate this threat?

Younger legs? Don’t make me laugh! Mocha are undoubtedly younger than vintage; but they are not exactly spring chickens and, with the exception of a couple of skinny lads, no stranger to a pint, a packet of fags, a chicken boona and a good sit down. When the chant of “who ate all the pies?” rings out across Morden Rec’ it could come from either set of fans.

Mocha Jrs were quite vocal in criticising the match officials last time round, do you think any of their accusations were justified?

Oh, yes. Maybe they are young at heart after all – lots of toddler ‘but why?!’ whining. Pathetic, really. I would not be surprised if a Mocha player throws their toys out of the pram this year around. Maybe even moan about it on their blog for the next year.

Who will be the dangermen on the Mocha Jrs team?

Just because he looks like Giant Haystacks’ mini-me, don’t go writing off Downesy – he’ll provide a nice cutting edge to a midfield packed with nippy talent: Lingoo, Andy Goose and Nathan. Killer will be in the mix, Big Russ will be up for it as he runs about looking a bit like Pat Butcher.

How will you be watching the game this year?

Sky Sports in the pub. Get home via the takeaway to catch the highlights on Match of the Day.

And finally, a tip for the result?

Hard to call…but I think it could go either way by a couple of goals…though I’m going to say Vintage because that’s who I want to win.

What's your vector, Victor?

2009-11-18T12:34:00.001Z

Stupid Christmas adverts, at the risk of sounding like Charlie Brooker, I almost vomited over my TV when I saw that effin Jamie Oliver one. So, Oliver, you drive across the country in your big ol' Sainsburys truck like BJ and the Bear, making salmon canape's for greedy middle class oiks who live in idyllic villages and towns, no chavs, druggies or any of that sort in view. And anyway, if you're such a man of the people, why aren't you feeding these delicious snacks to the homeless instead of all those fatties who gathered around you bloomin great lorry. Love your recipes though.

Thanks to the wonderful invention that is Sky+, I usually can whizz through adverts thusly avoiding their brain-melting messages (I once saw a little poster on a huge billboard for something or other saying 'Inspire us to think, not to buy' -good point, that.).

Speaking of brain-melting, I saw Zombieland last week, not bad at all. However, it fails the most basic of tests for a zombie pic, i.e.Zombie's should not run, they are dead. I've already had a rant about this here, so I won't go into it again...

Back to the subject of this year's Garage Trophy match, I should have some interviews to publish soon from 2 players who although in absentia, are keen to have a say on the game.

Something silly that La and me did years ago

2009-11-10T22:35:00.002Z

Garage Trophy II

2009-11-10T12:10:00.003Z

It's been a while but this site is now up and running again, it'll mainly be concentrating on the second annual Garage Trophy match between Mocha Juniors and (reigning champs) Vintage Garage XI to be played on December 27th at Steeple Morden Rec.

Last year’s mach saw the elder statesmen rattle off a 7-3 victory splattered in controversy following several debatable refereeing decisions. The Juniors have waited all this time to take their revenge and will be hoping their young legs and fresh spunk will guide them to victory this time round.

Early Team News

VG11

The Vintage will have to seriously increase their uptake of cod liver oil as two vital squad members have already pulled out of this year's match. Midfielder, Dom Fitzsimmons has cited 'transportation difficulties' as the reason for his absence. Whilst shot-hungry local news star, Ali McKee is hosting a turkey and Pimms party at his local church hall.

However, these devastating losses have been offset by the return of Sawyer from Lost look-alike Jamie Fewster, who missed last year's match. Fewster is eager to make his mark on the occasion; the ebullient attacking midfielder will add a smile to this otherwise, frankly miserable team.

MJ

As yet, no-one has officially pulled out of the Mocha squad. Doubts linger over the commitment of Daniel Brown, who seems destined to follow a career in the MLS. Whilst surgeons working on rebuilding Mark Thorp's knee are reporting slow progress. Defensive lynchpin, Russ Foulger, will have to play with his mobile secreted in his jock strap (set to vibrate - the phone, not the jock strap) just in case his latest offspring decides to make an early appearance.

There will be lots more to come as we build up to the match, next time, some player interviews!

Keep checking for updates and feel free to comment (icon at the top of this post)

Sir Bobby Robson RIP

2009-07-31T13:04:00.003+01:00

Been a while since I've written on here, was gonna have a rant about swine flu but I didn't see the point. However, really sad news today as Sir Bobby Robson has died.

I'm reading All Played Out by Pete Davies at the moment; its an outstanding book about the 1990 World Cup. Davies has access to all the players as well as the press and to that end, the conflict between the two factions. I'm sure some of the same press that castigated Robson before a ball had been kicked in anger at the 1990 World Cup will be eulogising about him in the papers tomorrow, Robson said himself :"I was just a victim of the tabloid newspaper war. I had watched this cancer spread over the eight years. It was ugly and damaging".

I met Bobby Robson once, well I say 'met', myself and my friends Nathan and perhaps Andy Gray (not that one) were at Portman Road for an exhibition game between the Ipswich 1981 UEFA Cup winning team and an England XI (including Barnes, Waddle an, er Chris Woods- who Alan Brazil sat on his backside with one of the goals). We standing around chatting, when we heard a voice from behind us say "'Scuse me lads", and lo and behold, wor Bobby walked past us with John Barnes, polite as you like with that radiant smile of his in full view. As brief a meeting as you could imagine, but a memorable all the same.

To close here are some of Bobby's finest quotes, bless yer big man, you were a true great:

* "I played cricket for my local village. It was 40 overs per side, and the team that had the most runs won. It was that sort of football"

* "We're taking 22 players to Italy, sorry, to Spain... where are we, Jim?" On whether Paul Gascoigne should have gone to the 1998 World Cup.

* "If you're a painter, you don't get rich until you're dead. The same happens with managers. You're never appreciated until you're gone, and then people say: 'Oh, he was OK'. Just like Picasso"

* "Ray Wilkins' day will come one night"

* Alan Brazil: "I'm delighted to say we've got Sir Bobby Robson on the end of the phone, fresh from getting his knighthood at Buckingham Palace.
Bobby, terrific news."
Sir Bobby Robson: "What is?"
Brazil: "You know, getting the old sword on the shoulder from Prince Charlie."
Sir Bob: Eh? [Long pause] "Oh yeah... well, it was a day I'll never forget."

Justice for Mr Messy

2009-06-18T19:56:00.004+01:00

Been reading pretty much the whole of the Mr Men library to my daughter over the past few months (not the new ones written by Roger Hargreaves's son, mind, they shouldn't be allowed, Mr Cool indeed...) and have been just a little bit outraged at some of the cruel (some might say barbaric) treatment metered out to the 'Mr's' by their human neighbours.

There is the familiar case of Mr Noisy's peers all speaking too quietly and ignoring his requests for sausages, bread, etc. just because he's hard of hearing; lest we not forget poor Mr Bump, who is enslaved by a local farmer to bash into his apple trees seven days a week (probably on minimum wage) in order to get his fruit out to the suppliers. Mr Bounce is 'mistaken' for a tennis ball (despite having legs, arms, a face and a little red hat), Mr Skinny's doctor thinks the best way to treat his obvious bulimia is to send him off to stay with Mr Greedy for a couple of weeks; Or there is Mr Nosey, who is frequently punched in the face for asking the simplest of questions.

However, perhaps the most horrifying tale of Mr Men terrorism is carried out on the tragic Mr Messy by those two utter b@stards, Mr Neat and Mr Tidy. Mr Messy is happily beaving about, making a mess, when suddenly two heavies in bowler hats with a menacing smile on their faces turn up, say "We're Neat and Tidy, and you're coming with us", shove Mr Messy into the back of their van, take him home, break into his house, throw him in the bath, probably rape him, comb his hair (whilst he is naked), then decide to re-arrange his house, garden and hairline. The story then ends with Hargreaves warning readers that they could be next for the ol' Neat and Tidy treatment if they are messy!

Rumours that Hargreaves was a member of the Gestapo have never been proven, but I do wonder sometimes whether he actually liked the funny little characters he has created. Was his thinking mess = bad, noise=bad, nosey=bad, bouncy=bad? Was Hargreaves trying to create his own utopia that was free of messy, noisy, nosey and bouncy folk? We may never know, as he has now passed on; but one things for sure, if Messrs Neat and Tidy show up in their bowler hats anywhere near me, I shall be running for the hills to stay with Mr Strong, the big red square tw@t...

"I feel so unclean"

What does the 'S' stand for?

2009-06-01T19:41:00.005+01:00

Local and European elections this week, had a plethora of pamphlets posted through the letterbox over the past month, ranging from the crazy (The Pensioners Party) to the outright laughable (BNP).

According to their agitprop, the BNP are claiming that Corsham is the 'Fascist Capital of the West' - crikey, shouldn't there be some kind of warning as you enter the town? This mishmash of a leaflet has some touching photos of smiling families, gleeful old folk who have the look only Daily Mail readers have after they've buried a couple of Polish builders in their garden, and workers wearing day-glo jackets (imaginative demographic spread there), as well as a picture of a glorious spitfire, primed for some bombing action (despite the irony obviously being lost on the designers that spitfire pilots actually fought against fascism).

I haven't had the chance to address one of the BNPs chimps face to face yet as they don't tend to canvass door to door (or probably struggle to read maps, numbers on houses, etc.), but I do hope they try to deliver a pamphlet in person as I would love to return it to them with a request to please shove it up Nick Griffin's a-hole sideways. They usually post a gorilla or two at the polling station (Last time it was a guy who was still working out how to tie his boot laces- i think he was in his 40s) so I may take a picture for this site on Thursday for a new feature 'Missing Link of The Week' or maybe 'C--t of the Week'?

The Daily Mail generation are probably the most active political influence at present, inevitable really, these things happen in cycles. In 20 years time, you'd hope that this generation's' quasi-liberalism would shape the country, but we shouldn't have to wait that long. The political process is in such a shambles, that there probably won't be a major ruling party for many years to come, good- those parties are not qualified to represent the good folk of this country. Even before the expenses story broke, it rs being blindingly obvious that these people have been skanking all of us since day one, no matter how Brown and Cameron flap around saying how things must be fixed (all this while petrol prices ARE STILL rising at a ridiculous rate), well nothing you could do would convince me that any of those eejits are capable of fixing anything, apart from an expenses form.

And finally, on a lighter note, here is a picture of a work truck round the corner from the house, is this guy's name real??

Chicken In A Can

2009-05-19T19:48:00.008+01:00

Another hiatus for your author, but I've returned for a bit, at least. Also thought the site could do with a break from the 50's diner look...

There was another BCHE reunion at the end of April;, unfortunately this meant driving into the heart of industrial Wales for a match against several thugs, a couple of hobbits and one Brazilian (how did he end up there?). Anyhoo, we triumphed 6-0 and video highlights are available here. I won't harp on too much about my brace, which included a sumptuous volley into the top corner (it was criminally missed from the match video). Always a pleasure to see everyone, Robbie had rehearsed his act very well, and poor Chris, spending all that time organising the match, only to get injured after 30 seconds. That's got to be the shortest appearance in Wales since Brian got that cameo in Pobl Y Cym in 2002.

it looks like next years' match will once again be against the Dutch, only this time the game will be in Bath (perhaps to be played at Twerton Park - which would unfortunately involve going to Twerton). The whole thing seems to be turning into a BCHE '96 reunion, which can't be a bad thing; if you're on Lorraine Chasebook, have a look for Mick's 40th , etc.

Why haven't any of these expense-fiddling MPs been arrested yet? And why are they only proposing to look at the last four years worth of claims? And another thing, why the hell are the media saturating our poor TVs with this story whilst petrol prices get ridiculously expensive AGAIN!! Anyhoo, had this from a Mark Thomas email subscription and thought it was worthy of passing on (Neil and i met a very young Mr Thomas when he played the BCHE SU back in 1996, you can probably spot our names in the 'thanks' section of his books):

Lawyers acting on behalf of Mark Thomas served Speaker Martin with legal papers demanding an independent audit and investigation into the scandal of MPs expenses. The audit should examine all claims going back to 1997, not just the last four years, any mispayments or misclaimed expenses should be repaid rather than rely upon voluntary repayment when MPs feel adequately embarrassed and if there is evidence of fraudulent claims then the police should be called in to investigate.

MPs should be subject to the same standards and laws as the rest of us. If Speaker Martin does not launch an independent investigation then Mark and the lawyers will seek a Judicial Review of his actions.
(Full details on www.markthomasinfo.com)

And if anyone sees the gutless wonder who's taking pot shots at my sister's cat (he's taken two bullets now and only has one eye), please grab him/her at once and send them to Marcellus Wallace for processing.

Right, I'm off for something to eat, although I hope it's nothing like this:

Wang Torture

2009-04-02T20:34:00.008+01:00

I love me comics, me. Here are some fruity snippets from days gone by, enjoy:

Art of Daley

2009-03-25T20:03:00.006Z

Daley Thompson, eh? Heard the mustachioed decathlete on the wireless the other night and he reminded me of two great things:

1) Daley Thompson's Decathlon on the ZX Spectrum: One of the most memorable Speccy games ever, this maelstrom of rubber keyed after school madness even took precedence over Rolf's Cartoon time on occasions.

2) The Daley Thompson Lucozade advert, backed by Iron Maiden. Oh yeh, turn it up find it here

Enjoy.

Oh, and Matt Thompson broke down on the way here, the emotion of the occasion must've got to hi- oh, he put unleaded in a diesel tank you say? Fear not, heading down to Winchester on Sunday now to catch up with with the banjo-playin' shirt model.

Your hands. My Perspective.

2009-03-23T17:47:00.013Z

Saw Watchmen last week , a film I've been very much looking forward to seeing as it brings to life one of the finest graphic novels ever written (geek heaven really). Zack Snyder did an ace job, the opening credits are a pleasure to behold, and despite it running at nearly 3 hours, I was pretty absorbed for the complete running time (despite questioning whether I needed the loo for most of the last 2 hours of running time). Of course, the writer of the book, Alan Moore cut all ties with Hollywood a while back, after they completely @rsed up The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (by adding extra characters, for example), and had nowt to do with this production; however, Dave Gibbons, whom he co-wrote the book with, was on set for a fair amount of time, which obviously helped maintain a smooth transition from page to celluloid. Two of the folk I went with (lets call them Richard and Marcus) enojoyed it but got a bit lost in places; its certainly not your average superhero romp, no siree, but presents a dark alternate reality set in the misdt of the Cold War. But hey, a story which begins with the death of The Comedian was never going to be full of laughgs. I'd recommend you read the book before seeing the film, though; however, nothing can truly prepare you for watching Dr Manhattan's' big blue CGI wang swinging around in the breeze..

Meeting Ottowa's newest bar-fly Matt Thompson this Wednesday for a catch up as he's back UK side for a week or two. It's always good to catch up with ol' Matt, had one of my best Glasto nights with him; during which I had asked him what he thought of my idea (under the severe influence) of doing a book/TV Show on a search for the Ark of the Covenant, solely using clues from 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'. After much babbling and dribbling, Matt hollered at me "But what are you going to do??! It's Lost!!!" I replied "We're gonna find it", cue eight and a half minutes of inane giggling. I guess you had to be there (and off yer t1ts on...). By the way, please don't steal my TV programme idea.

Currently decorating the spare room, which should be finished this weekend. Anyhoo, when looking for some newspaper to cover the floor, I found a copy of the Daily Wail (my folks read it, bless 'em and left it on their last visit) which is now being used to protect the carpet from red paint. It's always hilarious to read some of the headlines in that particular rag, but apart from the usual headlines: "Illegal Immigrants linked to Unemployment/Recession/Russell Brand/Them Murders/World War II/Police Academy 6, etc", the one that lays face up in my hallway simply states "Credit crunch brings a surge of neo-Nazism", you wish Daily Wail, you wish...

"You've got a moustache." "I Know"

2009-03-12T20:26:00.000Z

Funny ol' few weeks really; spent the majority of t'other Saturday with Marcus prepping our spare room for some serious decoration. The previous owners of our house were a real bunch of scummers, they really were (are). Their DIY technique would be defined as 'sloppy' at best . Bit of a funny family, when I first went into the loft of our house I found some graffiti on the water tank which read 'Orks live here'; i had a quick look around the floor but the only thing i could find was blond doll's head. Many strange things wee left behind by that funny family, a nice leathery cat of nine tails was left hanging off one of the curtain rails, for instance.

Anyway, the work was slightly slowed down by the fact that Marcus and I had decided to set my decks up and have a bit of a retro mashup; several tunes didn't stand the test of time too well, notably 'Sugar is Sweeter' by CJ Bolland or any of Tin Tin Out's old stuff (Jake - we would've danced our booty's off to this), nevertheless, Keep on Jumpin' by the Lisa Marie Experience mixed into Professional Widow by Tori Amos will sound good forever.

Reading 'The God Delusion' by Dickie Dawkins at the moment. Very polemic, thought provoking price of work it is too. I'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of one of Corsham's many pairs of Christian folk at my front door (they always travel in pairs in our town, and are usually octogenarians) for a nice theological debate "have you thought about the church can help the world, young man?" "Well yes, young crone, by packing up and trying to undo hundreds of years of oppression and needless slaughter across the lands of the world, in fact, you can apply this to all religions young crone, how's that sound?" "do you want a pamphlet?".

The BCHE Old Boys footie team are being wheeled out of retirement once more at the end of April for a game against a team of welshies. We'll be keen to carry on our unbeaten run (of one game) after the demolition of the Dutch in August last year. Rumours are that beloved teammates Brian & Paul will be setting off for the game a week before kick off, just to ensure participation. i got another effin' speeding ticket, this time i was caught travelling INTO Wales, i deserve everything I get, i spose.

Had a chat at work about how many people called 'Steve' were tw*ts, I could only think of a couple of decent ones I knew, anyone else? The ratio of tw*ttage to Steveage was pretty high down Bristol way.

Anyhoo, I'll leave you with this lovely video from an old Adam and joe show, it's their fab Star Wars Crystal Maze spectacular. You can listen to them every Saturday morning, you know, on BBC 6 Music. Cheerio

"How do lightsabres know to stop at one metre?"

2009-01-29T12:10:00.001Z

I am getting a bit fed up of people using the phrase "Credit Crunch" as an excuse for everything. It seems that if you commit an act deemed as either a bit frugal, illegal, stupid, if you giggle and cite "heh, credit crunch", you'll be off the hook. So if you spot a crim sucking petrol out of your tank with a hosepipe, he'll clear his gob, offer you a cheeky smile and gasp: “credit crunch, mate" and off you both trot skipping into the sunset. See a man in a white transit drive blatantly into an open field and start cramming as many cows and sheep as he can manage in the back of his van, "credit crunch" he pleads as he shrugs his shoulders. Government gives billions of taxpayers money to the @rseholes who caused this problem in the first place "credit crunch" mumbles our Prime Minister...

Society could be on the brink of collapse pretty soon really, so it's worth a reading a great story in the guardian today about surviving the apocalypse (say it 3 times, La). If you woke up on your own (every other human wiped out), you'd only really have 2 days of electricity and running water in your house, so you'd have to come up with some heating and eating alternatives. I think I've watched enough Bear Grylls to be able to survive in the woods for a couple of weeks, but it'd probably get a bit too Blair Witch in there after a while. The article also mentions some fun stuff (for fun stuff, read 'stealing stuff') you could get up to, in my post apocalypse bogus adventure, I'd be straight off to the Emirates for a game of headers and volleys on my own, grab a trophy (probably the little gold special trophy we got for the unbeaten season - can't imagine hauling the old Football League Trophy on my back for eternity), before heading over to White Hart lane to plant an Arsenal shirt in the centre circle and maybe use various parts of their stadium as a latrine. That'd probably use up a lot of energy (and fluid), so I'd tootle on over to Harvey Niks, grab some fine champagne and snacks and bounce around on the Queen's bed for a few hours dancing to some old skool rave. Apparently, the nuclear reactors would all explode within a week, too, which means your options are pretty limited. I'm in the right place, as Corsham has a series of nuclear bunkers, built for the use of the government at the height of the cold war, just in case those crazy yanks n' Commies got it awwwwn...

Great equaliser by RvP last night after another horrible Arsenal performance, thank jiggery he's fit as no-one else looked like producing any moments of magic. Arsenal are suffering from a severe lack of creativity at the moment, the quick passing and dynamism Fabregas, etc. give them has just dissipated. Adebayor looks frankly awful and Song doesn't possess the passing quality that Arsenal require. Pretty bad time to play Everton (like), they're a frickin' tough team and Cahill really is the man of the moment; he leaps so well for smaller lad, a bit like Podmore Stevens in his prime (but without the bellowing roar of "BRIAN'S!!!!!!!!" preceding the ball hitting his bonce, one would hope)

Neil has set up a new section of his site aside for Funk Pie, so we will be moving over there soon, just a question of finding the time to do it at the moment. I'll set up some kind of redirection though so our millions of readers aren't disappointed.

"I might belong to Jesus"

2009-01-16T13:05:00.002Z

Bonkers mad transfer window doin's afoot this week. Good grief, over £100m for a player is more ridiculous than when Neil cheated at Championship Manager 2 and gave Everton £250m and a reputation of 10/10.

Kaka's proposed transfer is the story Sky Sports News have been craving since the transfer window creaked open on January 1st. Man City have not only blown the window open, they've blown it open with a Sherman Tank and taken the rest of the effin' house with it. City were happy to pay £11m for Wayne Bridge for crissake, he's not worth that!

It is hard to empathise that money really is no object to their owners; they're even planning on paying for Kaka up front, £107m up front!! What a payday for Milan (for Milan, read Berlusconi), his agent, his dad, and of course, Jesus, as we all know that's who Kaka really belongs to.

But Man City? A team that won't be in the Champions League next season and could still be relegated if the bottom half of the league remains as tight as it is now. A team with alleged dressing room unrest, all led by a group containing two BRAZILIAN malcontents. What happens if they sign him and Richard Dunne drunkenly clatters into him into his first training session and ruptures his cruciate? It's too bizarre to predict what's round the corner on this one. Maybe Abramovich will come out of hiding and try to hijack the deal; a bidding war between those two clubs would be a sight to behold.

The big question if Kaka does sign will be: what happens next? I'll wager it won't be an amusing clip of John Virgo f*rting on a black ball and trumping it all the way into the middle pocket to win a frame of snooker. The transfer system will have been shaken up more than a milkshake balanced in Bella Emburg's cleavage while she operates a pneumatic drill. Will we see all the top earners crying out "Not fair!" en masse and demanding higher wages? Will Man City start a DNA regeneration factory and bring back George Best, Alfredo Di Stefano and Jimmy Carter?

Meanwhile, gooners everywhere await the arrival of Arshavin from Zenit; Wenger seems confident, but someone could always gazump us to his signature. Arshavin - brilliant name, you can grab a few comedy connotations from it, e.g. "Ar!Shavin'" (imagine a smiling, stubbly pirate with a cut throat razor slicing across his chops) "Ars Havin'" (Pete), "Arsha! Vin!" ( a drunken French husband demanding more wine from his poor, bullied wife, Arsha), think that's all I can think of.

Final piece of footie chat, check this goal out from Gourcoff (another player linked with Arsenal).

Quiet weekend ahead, apart from the visit of sister. As monobrowed midlander Brian AP Stevens said very poignantly this week when asked if he would be going out this month: "January, ain't it? You just lock the effing door and wait for February.".

"I'm not wearing any pants. Film at 11"

2009-01-13T20:38:00.004Z

Buenos noches

Back in the swing of work already - how depressing. The Christmas break was just ace, saw loads of people and had a great time. All over too quick as usual. The Boxing Day match was a triumph, despite the result (the match report is coming, honest). The site of seeing everyone in the pub after the game really warmed the ol' ticker. There's talk of another match over the Easter weekend, so expect another countdown clock in the menu on the left soon. We (Mocha Jrs) were robbed btw, conceding seven goals to the old fellas was harsh, especially after a solid defensive performance from Paul's nephew and big Russ and his shiny new boots.

Speaking of Russ, I spotted one of our childhood crushes in M & S last week, dear ol' Philippa Forrester. We fancied her to the extent that we wrote her a cheeky little letter asking for a photo, preferably in swimwear (back in her broom cupboard days). I wouldn't want to see her in a bikini now, mind...

Great news about La and Rach having their baby; lil' Amelia is a cracker, can't wait to meet her, although she'll probably be in school by then (let's hope it's sooner tho, like).

Speaking of babyness (sorry, that sounds like a la-ism), Lou and I are currently trying to come up with some names for our next arrival, due in June. I'm currently going through the cast list of Star Wars and the annuls of Arsenal history for some inspiration, no success yet tho.

Exciting Premiership happenings at the moment, Arsenal seem to be one or two wins away from getting back into it, but that's been the case all season. I expect the top two is probably too much to ask this season, think we'll be in a fight to the finish with the Villa and those blue ponces from West Londinium. Thankfully, the Spuds are providing plenty of laughs at the other end of the table.

And to finish, Brian is back with a joke of the week. Our Dudleybot has also started a new band, which is hopefully better than this gag:

a wife says to her husband one night,
"tonight, i want you to make love to me like they do in the movies!!!"
so he does....he begins by ripping her skirt off her, then all sorts of bedroom gymnastics, and some particularly graphic acts, are performed with the husband having the time of his life. suddenly his wife, who finds herself with her mouth empty for a change, yells out
"STOP!!!!!!!!!!!"
"why?? what's wrong??!!?" replies the husband...

..."well" says his wife, panting.....
"you obviously watch different movies to the ones I do!!"

Vintage Prove 2008 is a Great Year

2008-12-31T10:58:00.002Z

Vintage Garage XI 7 - 3 Mocha Juniors

Report to follow...

Donde Esta Santa Claus?

2008-12-22T12:12:00.002Z

Illness has been hovering over the house for a well over a week now; it’s the same at work. Getting the Park & Ride bus in the morning is depressing enough as it is, but recently, its been reminiscent of the scene in Shaun of the Dead when everyone is on the bus coughing, spluttering and generally turning into zombies- well maybe not the zombie part but some commuters come pretty close, especially in Bristol.

Shopping at lunchtimes is no fun, recently, the chav armies have been relentlessly clearing out Woolworths ("hmm, I didn't think I needed one, but this garden hose and shed set will be really handy for my 19th floor flat") and terrorising other consumers with low slung tight jeans (worn on a size 22 figure). I just want to potter about and take my time, but Christmas is no time for lolly-gagging around the shops, folk have been knifed for less.

My juices are positively overflowing with excitement about breaking up for Christmas; I have 11 1/2 days off work which is the closest I come to a school holiday these days. Most of it will be spent in Wiltshire, but there are a few days when we'll be out east, this will obviously include the Boxing Day match, will is peering over the hill at us all with its menacing icy stare. My sis is having a party (gatecrashers) the evening of the match, which will apparently be dominated by singstar, I'd have preferred Guitar hero myself, but if there's enough Desperados on tap, I'll sing anything (except 'Killing Me Softly')

Vintage lose the Tiger in their tank

2008-12-16T20:26:00.010Z

Vintage Garage XI's hopes of beating Mocha Jrs to the Boxing Day trophy suffered a blow today as bandy-legged midfielder Jamie Fewster told the world he would be unable to play in the match. In a Rio Ferdinand-esque case of absentmindedness, Fewster confessed he had mixed his days up. After originally hollering "I'll play so long as we can play in black and amber. Grrrrrr up the tigers.", Fewster's latest admission had Vintage fans growling with despair.

Fewster had cited "Family commitments" as his excuse, but Funk Pie can reveal the real reason he will not be able to make the match. The Hull-born beard-monger will be rubbing whiskers with west country-based farmer Michael Eavis on his Barbados Island. Eavis was all but happy to spill the beans on his guest: "Jamie impressed me with the success of his Orfest08 festival, but I couldn't help thinking his beard needed some work. It just looks like he can't decide what he wants to do, so I've offered my help and Jamie was all to happy to take me up on my offer."

Pragmatic Vintage XI captain, Kristian Hasler though, is not ready to hit the panic button just yet: "We will miss his Tiger-like tenacity but there was always gonna be one or two called away on official duty, or splitters as we call them".

There was better news for the Vintage, however, as shot-happy newshound, Ali McKee and Litlington's top MC, Darren Chetty, both confirmed their availability. Furthermore, tazmanian devil-style defender Dominic Fitzsimmons landed safely back in Blighty this afternoon.

Pantomime Dame faces sticky criticism

2008-12-12T12:09:00.002Z

By Jamie's northern cousin (the cheeky one)

Mocha Juniors striker Damian Pennell was left feeling sour this week after an altercation with two fans left him coated in YOGHURT.

The Mocha man – known as the Pantomime Dame for his on-pitch theatrics in previous Christmas encounters – alleges that two men confronted him in a Royston supermarket over news he would be missing his club’s crunch match with bitter rivals, Vintage Garage, choosing instead to holiday in France.

“I was in the Yuppie Foods section when the two men started calling me names and one hit me in the face with a tub of organic yoghurt – calling me a ‘bottler’,” alleged Pennell from his Royston home.

According to Damian, his dairy ordeal has confirmed his decision to miss the crunch cup clash and made him question his future in the game.

“Provence is simply marvellous at this time of year and some people have got realise that there are some things more important than football…Puccini, birdsong on a summer’s evening, the smell of freshly baked bread, the pungent, yet tangy taste of goat’s cheese…all these have the power to seduce the senses in ways that football doesn’t,” said the poetic goal poacher, whose views have long angered many in the game.

“The two brutes who attacked me have no place in football and I urge police to throw the book at them with the same ferocity that they projected dairy produce at me,” slammed the angry Pennel.

“We have recovered CCTV footage of an incident at Tesco on Tuesday and are now looking for two men in Mocha Juniors replica shirts. When we find them we’ll give them a good slap on the back,” said PC Chapman of Herts Constabulary. “I meant wrist,” the red faced copper chortled.

Wouldn't say "Eboue" to a goose

2008-12-09T12:08:00.004Z

It was horrible watching Emmanuel Eboue get jeered so venomously on Saturday, save the vitriol for shouting at the opposition please. It would be good if these 'fans' could channel some of their passion into creating a decent atmosphere at the Emirates instead of barracking one of our own players. Poor ol' Eboue, I know just how he feels. Once, at primary school (think I was about 7 or 8), we were kicking a ball around in the playground and I happened to launch a howitzer straight at Sarah Rees, who toppled over like any other 6 year old would have after being struck in the knees by a Frans Thijssen unburstable ball at high speed. Unfortunately, said girl cried and the playground monitor (a ginger woman who also doubled up as a dinner lady) decided that the ball should be confiscated. Cheers for that, love, I obviously got the blame, which meant a baying mob of kids surrounding me continuously shouting "Can't control a ball" (this scene still haunts me today), with only my dear sister defending me. I couldn't really get a word in edgeways with the gathered throng's unrelenting chanting drowning out my cries of "technically my control was perfect, the girl just ran across the path of the ball as it was headed towards Mathew Bull". This was one occasion when the bell saved me from more chanting, thankfully the prospect of an afternoon on the BBC micro meant that everyone had forgotten the incident by teatime, except me, who is kept awake every night by that relentless chant...

Lovely weekend with Kris and Ange, my God did my liver take a battering, the recycle bin was emptied on Thursday but full of empty booze bottles by Saturday morning. Conversation inevitably turned to the Boxing Day encounter; when asked if Vintage Garage XI would adopt a physical approach to the game, the elder Hasler brother sneered: "We'll play to our strengths". Vintage's captain is still bitter about having to work on the Saturday morning, denying him valuable time with the rest of his squad at the team hotel on the morning of the game. Mocha Juniors brushed aside the alleged inconvenience, with committed midfielder Richard "Killer" Fitzsimmons hollering "I couldn't give a rat's @rse what that bunch get up to before the match. We're concentrating on our own game; our mantra is "No defeat. No surrender"; let's see how they like them apples.". A gangster rapper in his spare time, Killer usuually does his talking on the stage, not the football pitch. However, he was kind enough to give Funk Pie access to some exclusive footage of his latest freestyle battle, filmed in the projects, near Hinxworth; you can see the vid at the bottom of this post

Nearly as exciting as the Boxing Day match is the upcoming Barca-Real Madrid game this weekend, although Barca look certainties, with good ol' Thierry grabbing a hat-trick against Valencia at the Camp Nou. Even the Madrid coach looks to have given up already; Schuster said "winning at the Camp Nou is impossible. Barcelona are flattening everyone. It's their year. The state we're in, all we can do is put in a decent performance. We can't ask for more." well confidence will be soaring through the Madrid players' veins now, won't it? Expect those white hankies to be waved with gusto during the next game at Santiago Bernabeu. *OK, it's now the evening and they've gone and sacked him.

Had a rare trip to the cinema to finally watch 'Quantum of Solace', or 'Something of Wotsit as Adam & Joe put it. Not bad, but inferior to Casino Royale. Interesting to see where Bond will go next, as at the moment, he's seems to be turning into Jack Bauer. There are 4 Bond stories left to turn into films, these include Risico and The Hildebrand Rarity.

Best of luck to El Wristo starring Dave Boardman, who are in this years Battle of the Band Final at Moles (remember when we won that, la?) this Wednesday evening.

Finally, a big shout out to Marcus who finally hands in his last price of work for his Music Therapy course this week, after 3 years of real hard yakka. Good on you, dude, be good to see more of you from now on.

“Mr. Brown? That's too close to Mr S…”

2008-12-05T12:00:00.001Z

Been a while, but here goes another ramble...Cracking weekend last week with Mr Brown, Friday was quite spooky as it was really foggy in the evening, a good old fashioned pea-souper it was, the sense of the macabre was accentuated by scary men in the pub wearing undertakers outfits and tall hats (think the Rhys Ifans character in Oasis' ‘Importance of Being Idle’ video). They just sat at the bar, drinking (I suppose they were in a pub) and then disappeared into the fog to go on a cadaver hunt (usually found near Yilmaz Kebabs in Somerfield car park). Post pub, a punishing FIFA09 session followed, which included 2 defeats in a row for this writer (1-0 against Spudz at the Lane). A change in tactics the following evening restored normality, as I triumphed several times; culminating in an 8-1 victory against a disconsolate Spurs team...

Headed into Bath for the carnage that is the Christmas Market on Saturday, so busy, but worth it for the burgers. It was great to see Dan, bless 'im, we had a lot to catch up on and hopefully we won't leave it so long next time.

I think Brown’s release for the Boxing Day match has also been secured after much haranguing; he will definitely add to the skill set already present in Mocha Juniors midfield. The fear is though, that the Juniors are missing defensive steel for the upcoming encounter, which puts a lot of pressure on iron man, Russ Foulger, at the back. Russ has already made his concerns about footwear very clear "Bit worried about my girly trainers on what's sure to be an 'end of tournament' quality pitch", Foulger uttered earlier this week. He re-assured fans though that his current form was one reason to be cheerful: "I had a great game on Thursday...Two goals, back heel flicks, leaving defenders for dead. The works. Seems like I might be coming into a rare patch of form" Words that are sure to send a shiver of fear down the spines of the opposition.

The Sun, eh? I’m sure some of you read it, I used to. Back in Newton Park days, each morning, it would be little trip to the SU shop for 20 Marlboro lights, a banana milkshake and a copy of the current bun (once, in my early days of working at the Council, I asked a colleague to get me a copy of the 'current bun' and he brought me back an actual bun - tw@t), then back to my room to try and avoid Gareth. Anyway, I digress; The Sun is read by a few people here, usually to look at pictures of those faux celebs in the forest, but mostly to look at boobs. The Sun could easily have the same headline every single day and it wouldn’t make much difference (no matter if it was 'demanding' that social workers lose their jobs or that we all stick our fingers up across the channel), that headline would read "Look at these tits", because, dear reader that's all the paper is really good for and where we all end up when we pick up a copy.

Tonight, it’s the turn of Kristian and Angie to visit our little town. Angie will become the first American to stay with us, I hope she says "that's a load of ass" again, as it does make me laugh. It'll be a cheap and cheerful weekend as the crunch bites, but we'll still fit in a trip to Lacock (heh) and the pub, looking forward to it.

Watched a great film last night: Reeker. 'Tis a 'teen' horror film set in the Nevada desert (don't let that put you off), gory & very violent, terrific story. Got a bit of a Rob Zombie feel about it, but less 'hicky' (not Earl Hickey).

Getting towards that time when 'James Brown's Funky Christmas' will be on the stereo, a quality album that’s a million miles away from the dross you hear piped through shops this time of year, fave track: "Santa Claus, go straight to the ghetto". So there you go, I’ve started and finished with a brown, just like, erm, Tony Meo.

"You made up your girlfriend and you smell"

2008-11-25T12:53:00.000Z

Updates have been a bit scarce over the last week or so. This is mainly down to my effin' router blowing up last week (replacement coming soon) so internet at home is a thing of the past. Work has also been stupidly busy, but should calm down after this Friday.

A lot has been happening in the wide world of Arsenal. What a palaver, do we blame the media or Gallas or Wenger for the latest debacle? One thing’s for sure, Wenger's right when he says the media reports on catastrophe or the fantastic, but the reality lies somewhere in between. Today does feel like a new beginning for the team, I hope Gallas was made to stand up in front of the team in his underpants and apologise for his actions; he should also maybe bake a cake for Robin van Persie. Let's hope Gallas keeps his head down for a bit and puts in some good performances, as we really need some solidity at the back.

Whilst Fabregas was the only real choice for captain, I think he's the right one. The role of the captain has evolved with football from the gritted teeth, Tony Adams/Terry Butcher style skipper the English media still craves. Age is an irrelevance when you’ve won a European Championship, appeared in a Champions League Final and playing in your fifth season for the club. Fabbo is the best player in the team, you'd hope that most (if not all) of the team admire and respect him; lets hope he can get his hands on some effin' silverware this season. He's been captain of my Arsenal side in FIFA09 this season anyway, and he's doing a grand job there (although I managed to sign a 'keeper, centre half and midfielder).

For any Blackadder fans out there, the beeb will be showing some great stuff over crimbo, including a rare in-depth interview with Rowan Atkinson about the character, which is rarer than a hole in one with a jelly golf club.

The boy Brown is visiting Wiltshire this weekend, so there should be happy larks all over the place. Well done to Abbe for having a lovely little baby girl and I hope Mark, Kev and their ladies are having a great time in Buenos Aires.

Don't forget to keep checking your Fantasy Teams, I may be winning the league (doubters - there is no way of cheating with this league, and I never cheated on the Excel one I did years ago, honest), but it's still pretty tight beneath me.

There will be more gossip forthcoming about the much-anticipated Boxing Day match, expect more baiting and general mockery there. Especially from our correspondent in Beijing.

Chett’ Back to Class?

2008-11-10T17:35:00.003Z

By Ginger Prentice

Mocha Juniors better hope they’ve done their homework as professor Chetty has promised he is coming back to school to teach them a lesson in football.

In a shock move, Garage Vintage’s mercurial left winger, Darren Chetty, yesterday said he will play in December’s do-or-die clash with the Juniors, after initially ruling himself out due to a fixture clash with a yoga workshop.

“I’ve been on a macrobiotic diet and meditating daily – I’m in a good place both physically and spiritually,” the new age left footer wrote in weekly column in the Littlington Gazette.

“The Juniors have always suffered from being tactically naïve and have never proved a match for our cerebral style of football,” blasted Vintage’s eggheaded midfielder, sneering: “they just don’t make the grade.”

News of Chetty’s U-turn got an ‘E for effort’ in the Juniors treatment room, with sidelined Mocha midfielder, Dan Brown, describing the Vintage man as “well past his best,” slamming the publicity surrounding his decision as: “nonsense; nothing but hot air.”

“He had a sweet left foot once upon a time, but he lacks the pace he once had,” cheeped the former Magpie ace, who is currently recovering from a groin injury he picked up while on international duty with Greece.

“I hope to play and if the nurse gives me the green light, I’ll be like a rat up a drainpipe,” says Brown, adding that it will be him who will be doing the educating. “All of Chetty’s verbal is well out of order. His mouth is like a runaway train and I’m going to derail that Chett-a-nooga Choo Choo – you wait and see,” fumed the Mocha man.

"Well they were a bit... bitey. "

2008-11-07T12:36:00.002Z

Headed over to London on Wednesday to see Arsenal frustratingly draw with Fenerbahce. The game provided further evidence that I am becoming a curse when it comes to going to see them play. The last 4 matches I have seen have finished 0-0, 0-0, 1-2 and 0-0. Won't be able to afford to go for a while now so let’s hope Arsenal pull their finger out in my absence.

Arsenal - Man U tomorrow, always a nerve jangler. Especially this week, with al the injury problems we've got (again). It's been a strange week listening to Le Boss talk about bullies in the game, I'm reading The Professor by Myles Palmer at the moment, the contrast is unbelievable with the 1998-2001 period, back then, Arsenal were perceived as the bullies of the Premiership, all those red cards, etc. We are missing an enforcer that’s for sure. Each game we get rolled over, that Vieira-shaped hole in the centre of the park becomes more vivid. I’m hoping last Saturday was our nadir…

Still, now that we live in Barak Obama's brave new world, things seem to be on the up already. Having contrived to leave my phone on the tube on the way into town on Wednesday, I figured that I'd lost it and that was that. However, a very kind hearted soul handed it into Arsenal tube station and I was able to pick it up after he game - praise the humanity of it all. I wouldn't be surprised if it was Obama himself who committed the good deed.

Did anyone see Charlie Brooker's excellent 'Dead Set' last week? I effin love zombies, films, comics, games, the lot. This show was great, some terrific gore (especially the ol' crushing of the skull with a fire extinguisher scene) and a startlingly simple story. One slight problem with it though - running zombies. Zombies don't run, they are the walking dead, and should move as such. Don't start banging on about the monsters in 28 Days either, they weren't zombies, they were rage-infected maniacs who liked to spit up blood on people without a thought for the mess it would create. On the same theme, I've finally come up with an idea for my zombie screenplay this week, expect to see it on your screens sometime in the next 20 years, if I get round to writing it (and find someone stupid enough to produce it).

Something silly to finish with, if you go to this website, you can find out your reggae name, all just good larks for a Friday, yours, Dr Ethiopia.

Rec n' Ball

2008-11-04T17:16:00.004Z

One for the East Side today, its time to start building up the return of the Steeple Morden Rec Boxing Day football match...

The history of the Boxing Day match stretches right back to the First World War; soldiers from Germany, Steeple Morden and Ashwell came together over no mans land (they had missed the Christmas Day match), and tried to have a game of headers and volleys without stepping on a landmine (this proved particularly hazardous when there was a "scramble" or "Jagt").

The good news is, the match is back, and it's happening this year on Saturday 27th December at midday. Funk Pie is proud to be the official sponsor of the event, all the build up, gossip and team news will appear here first. A countdown clock to kick off can be seen on the right-hand side of the page.

Funk Pie's first exclusive is regarding the teams. Following discussions with the Boxing Day Match Executive Committee (BDMEC), it has been decreed that the two team captains will be the brothers Hasler, Kristian and Nathan. Kristian will be taking charge of the Vintage Garage XI, whilst Nathan will skipper Mocha Juniors. As the names suggest, age will play some part in the team selection process.

There will be an exclusive (Chinese) trophy for the winner, as well as a special gong for the Man of the Match (to be voted for in the Waggon after the game).

News of the match has already created a buzz around the world, especially in Beijing, where Funk Pie reporter takes up the story:

Afternoon at the Rec' will be no picnic

By Tony N. Joe

The riches of the professional game may be a long way from SG8, but this December's grudge match between Mocha Juniors and Vintage Garage XI will be every bit as keenly contested as the premiership derbies between Arsenal and Tottenham, Newcastle and Sunderland, Man City and Manchester United.

"The hate runs deep…every Garage fixture pits kith against kith, kin against kin," says Vintage midfielder Matthew Gray. "Blood certainly isn't thicker than water on Steeple Rec'," he adds, listing that each side boasts a Hasler, Gray and Fitzsimmons brother, "not to mention, rivalries that go back to the playground and the pub. That McKee still owes me a pint"

With bragging rights for a year up for grabs, every player is going to be up for it. I'm going to leave blood in the mud – some of it might even be mine," quips the village elders' captain and combative midfielder, Kristian Hasler, older brother to the younger side's captain, Nathan, who is due to return on loan from Ajax.

Mocha forward and current holder of the garage golden boot, Martin Downes refuses to be intimidated by the tough talking of the Vintage captain: "We're just going to play our normal long ball game and bypass the midfield. I'm confident that my goal hanging will see me reap another bumper harvest. Our style may not be pretty, but it sure can be effective."

The Mocha Junior squad will be bolstered by the return of team captain Nathan Hasler as well as Kev and Damien Pennell – the other two thirds of the 'three amigos' partnership that once wowed crowds in Argentina. But the whippersnappers will be without influential playmaker Dan Brown, convalescing with family in Devon after an operation on a long term groin injury. "He's got quick feet, but he always thinks with that part of his anatomy, so it's important for him that he gets that put right first," says his team-mate, defender Russell Foulger.

The Vintage XI will benefit from the return of Jamie Fewster and Richard Holme - sidelined after positive drugs tests earlier in the year - as well as defender Dominic Fitzsimmons, who comes back from a red-card littered spell plying his lazy midfield play in China. There are doubts over the match fitness of several key members of the Vintage squad and a scheduling foul up could see bookish left winger, Darren Chetty ruled out of contention.

Despite the incendiary atmosphere on the field, police are playing down any talk of possible crowd trouble. "Thankfully the disgusting scenes that were commonplace at Magpies games are now a thing of the past. After the referee was forced to stop play to quell crowd trouble on that now infamous Halloween fixture, we arrested the ringleaders and nipped the problem in the bud," PC Chapman of North Herts Constabulary told the Royston Crow last week. "Not to mention most of the trouble-makers will be on the pitch," he adds.

This year's fixture will be refereed by veteran official Paul Hasler, father to the two captains and the man credited with being the godfather of the now famed Garage football academy. "I'll show no bias – I think they are all arseholes," says the man in black. And as any follower of Garage football will tell you, he's always right.

Burn Them!

2008-10-30T17:50:00.005Z

Some grey clouds are hanging over Funk Pie towers this week following two events that have left me seething a little bit. Firstly, there was last night's debacle at Th'Emirates, secondly, the whole ridiculous Brand n' Ross story that has somehow been manipulated (by the Daily Wail) to the top of the headline pile this week.

I'm gonna cover the latter first. This has gone beyond being beyond a joke now, the Daily Wail has finally got its way. I'm really p*ssed off about the whole episode, not least because I've been a regular listener to Brand's show since he started up on BBC6 a few years ago. I realise he's not everyone's cup of tea and I'm not going to eulogise him here as I don't think that's the issue. The facts are that the BBC received just 2 complaints during the show. Two. Then, a week later, the Wail on Sunday filled their front page with the story, called up Matthew Hopkins and the witch hunt commenced. During the week, the headline read "Sack Them"; absolutely bonkers, we let politicians get away with dodgy chats with Russian oligarchs, allow petrol companies to hike up prices whilst oil prices fall and their profits soar, unemployment is increasing, money is scarce, but this, in the opinion of that ridiculous newspaper/agitprop, is the main issue bothering the country this week. Media diversion from a staunchly Tory paper? Ooh, would they?

In a way you could see the whole incident coming, the week before the phone call to Sachs was made, Brand had mentioned/bragged on his show that he'd had all the Satanic Sluts (including Sach's grand-daughter) round his house for a good ol' hot tub party.Furthermore, he's had a few run ins with said paper over stuff written about him in the past.

The broadcast has just evolved into a great big stick to beat brand n'Ross with. Who are these people who are complaining? Have they heard the show before? There's been far worse and arguably more offensive material on there. No doubt the kind of folk who made these complaints would just love to see good clean entertainment from a fluffy world gone by with no swearing, rude gags or any suggestion of controversial subject matter. I'm sure plenty of folk would be offended by late night radio if they chose to listen to it. All this was broadcast post-watershed and is being treated as if it went out during kiddies hour or something, Ridiculous. Sachs has had his apology and his grand-daughter has a few quid in her pocket. Comments from Joe Public on the super-dramatic Sky News site are along the lines of "Ooh, i don't like Ross or Brand - good riddance", "Poor man (Sachs), they should be locked up", "Give me back my licence fee, I say!" , "Has anyone seen my dentures?". We'll probably now be forced to watch re-runs of the Rivers of Blood speech or something with Angela Rippon (not that I'm connected the two).

Ok, over to North London and trying the figure out what the eff happened last night. The whole evening had an aire of inevitability about it; my good friend Rich had texted me at the weekend to say "Can't believe the twitcher has gone to the lane. They'll f*cking beat us on Wednesday. B*stards". Andy Gray had "a feeling", Spudz tails were high and once again, Arsenal proved that their underbelly is softer than Walter the Softie's soft rug collection.

Bentley's goal could've been saved by Almunia, the others we conceded all came about as Arsenal's defence decided to back track and invite the scum shoot from distance, leaving us ruing throwing away 2 points from such a lofty position of superiority, it beggars belief how we didn't win. Grrrrrrrrrr, can't write anymore on this, onto Stoke this Saturday, it's a good job we're so good at coping with high balls over the top, ain't it?

"Tally-ho, yippety-dip, and zing zang spillip"

2008-10-22T20:17:00.005+01:00

Been having a skype discussion with Auckland boob, Neil, about which celebs you'd take on an alldayer on the Kings Road (one pub only); this was one of Neil's ideas and will possibly the subject of a future podcast (which we will get around to doing eventually). Anyhoo, I despise the whole celeb worship thing, especially the ridiculous amount of drivel that's on the magazine shelves, you know - Chat, Quick, Vadge, Celebrity Armpit Watch, etc. why don't shops put copies of The Economist by the counter? "'Cos it's sh*t" - UK Public. We're becoming (or have become) a nation of dimwits whilst this rubbish is being read.

So, back to my celeb choices. Neil gave me a limit of 5, so here they are: Howard Marks, Samuel L Jackson, Johnny Depp, Mark Thomas and Lenny Henry. What do you think? Neil was apoplectic over my choice of Lenny for some reason; I think he'd be great, you could give him a big cuddle later on, and after a few drinks he'd be sure to dig out some classics, a huge 3 minute "ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk" perhaps, or a brilliant David Bellamy or Trevor McDonald impression. It's a tricky choice picking a quintet of celeb pals, but should the highly unlikely scenario ever arise, I'd want to be sitting next to the (other) comedian from glorious Dudley.

Great win in a crazy match for Arsenal last night. Am doubly pleased as my good buddy Nathan was one of the 800 gooners in attendance, bless 'im. He asked his girlfriend (and baby) if they fancied going for a quick midweek jaunt to Istanbul, nice that the trip coincided with the game, eh Nath? Yet another European adventure; I will get round to publishing Kristian's Euro football tales soon (honest).

If any of you visited bath over the 'summer', you'd have seen loads of painted pigs around the city for a highly popular art project. They were all taken away at the end of September and displayed for the public one last time in front of the Royal Crescent last Sunday. Good idea, but the organisers completely @rsed things up by putting the pigs in a circular pen no bigger than a regulation centre circle, whilst hundreds of folk tried to catch a peek (for a couple of seconds, before a herd of 20 stone tourists barged you out of the way). There were rumblings of revolution and the Bath Chronicle's website comments section was filled with chagrin and disgust from visitors to the display, some claiming that their days had been ruined, others started by the length of the hot dogs on sale (very suspicious)...

Can spurs go down? This is a question that perhaps is gaining veracity as the months go by. In statistical terms, only one club in Premier League history has avoided relegation after taking two or fewer points from their first eight matches: Southampton in the 1998-99 season. It would be effin' typical is the Spudz came good next week in the North London derby, wouldn't it? I've regularly been texting Tottnumb supporting mates about their plight, I just hope karma doesn't bite me in the ass and give them a victory in the derby. Anyhoo, here is the latest Tottenham gag, mirth fans:

A man is sitting in a pub with his Jack Russell dog one Saturday afternoon. The football results are coming up on the television in the corner, "Stoke City 2, Tottenham Hotspur 1," reads the announcer in his normal, rather sedate, voice.

Suddenly the Jack Russell dog jumps up and shouts out, "Oh, no, not again."

The shocked landlord says, "That's amazing. Why did he say that when the result was announced that Tottenham lost?"

"Because he's a Spurs supporter," the dog's owner replies.

The landlord then asked what the dog says when Tottenham win a match, to which the man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him three months."

One man went to bed...

2008-10-14T12:24:00.006+01:00

A bit footbally, this post, I won't bore you with how I spent all weekend on my knees in the bathroom sorting the floor out, or how on completing my work, got drunk in record time. Two subjects; Ashley Cole and a bit on the US election...

So Ashley Cole got booed during the England game, poor ol' Cashley, he's had such a hard time lately hasn't he? Listening to Alan effin' Green on 6-0-6 last Saturday really made my blood heat up slightly; he's so eager to preach how booing your own players is completely wrong and why England fans should always encourage the team, etc, etc. As a famous scouser once said, "My @rse!", Cole exemplifies everything that is wrong with the modern footballer and most
supporters have probably been waiting to boo him for quite some time. I used to love him when he was at Arsenal (he was a product of the youth system, after all, these players are often more revered that new signings), the goal he scored against Dynamo Kiev at Highbury in the Champions League in November 2003 was my favourite from that (unbeaten)season, it was the last minute, we were going out of the competition, then up popped Ashley with a diving header across the keeper (the next match was Inter away and that famous 5-1 victory). I was watching the match with Rich in the Saracens Head and leapt forward 5 feet going absolutely mental, I remember just hugging and jumping a complete stranger shouting into his ear "it's brilliant! it's absolutely f&*king brilliant!", before biting my nails for the last couple of minutes.

A year and a bit after this, on January 27th 2005, Cole was spotted in a London hotel sharing tea and cake with his agent Jonathan Barnett, Jose Mourinho, Pini Zahavi and that slimy cretin, Kenyon. A meeting that had taken place as a result of (Cole claimed) Arsenal reneging on a (verbal) promise of a £60k a week contract; I'm sure you're all aware of poor Ashley nearly swerving off the road when his agent told him that Arsenal were only offering £55k a week (over £2.6m a year). Sorry Ashley, but that's just soooo the wrong way to go about things. I'd play for Arsenal for nowt, 2 onions a week, a year's subscription to Woman's Own, anything. I'd even wrestle Bella Emburg in offal for a chance to turn out for my team. However, I digress, Cole obviously saw the super truck full of Russian cash and wanted a piece of it, whatever it took. Cole had come close to being sold by Arsenal to Crystal Palace a few years before after a
successful loan spell there, but Sylvinho's well-documented passport problems put an end to that, allowing Cole to flourish in Arsenal's first team. What's unbelievable is that he was allowed to play for Arsenal again after this meeting, for another season!!

So, returning to the beginning of my rant, if anyone else had made the error against the Kazakhs (with the possible exception of Frank Lampard), it's likely that there would have been no booing, lots of initial swearing perhaps, but the error would probably have merely been an afterthought, it was a pretty meaningless goal in the end. Maybe fans had been waiting for an opportunity to boo Cole, perhaps they sympathise with his wife, or even Mike Riley, or maybe it's because Cole should not be chipping a pass across his defenders blindly at International level (he's very fortunate that there is such a lack of competition for his position). Paying punters are continually told to sit down and shut up by increasingly fascist stewards, they don't need to be told off by commentators who pay nothing to get into the game in the first place. When folk pay good money to go to a match they have every right to criticize, as well as eulogise, and there isn't a player representing England that arguably deserves it more that Cashley. The hyperbolic reaction of the media reaffirms this, as Cole's error has taken up nearly as many column inches as the England goals.

Meanwhile, there are some crazy soundbites coming out of America as the election nears. The Republicans are trying to dig up and scatter Senator Obama's links to the 60s radical William Ayers; Lori Raynor, a biochemist (!) said "I'm scared of Obama - from what I have read and his associations which are questionable, his so-called terrorist associations, and even his church," "I just don't think he can run this country." She added: "Some of my friends have even told me they think he is the anti-Christ." Well, let me tell you Lori Raynor, I'm a bit blimmin' scared of you, love! The religious right sure are a scary bunch. The above quote could be compared with the medieval belief that men with dogs for heads wandered the forests at night, it's that ridiculous (boy, will I feel stupid if Obama really is the Devil) If Obama is the Antichrist, well John McCain is erm, Gripper Stepson and Sarah Palin is definitely Zuul from Ghostbusters...

Exit Liiiight, Enter Niiiight

2008-10-07T12:25:00.002+01:00

Dreams, eh? Those funny little head movies that you can't control and vaguely remember. Anyhoo, I rarely recall my dreams, but last night's stuck in my bonce and I thought I'd share it with you as some of my (limited) readership were stars of last night's phrenological presentation

Dan Brown (my friend, not the author), Neil and I were in a town somewhere (probably meant to be Bath, although I think it was by the sea), just walking around, enjoying the day. I believe we were going to have lunch somewhere. Anyhoo, we were meandering around the streets (we were the only people about, very '28 Days Later') and came upon a group of thuggish looking skinheads standing on a street corner. As I recall, there were three of them, bomber jackets, bovver boots, the lot. Think Boo Perkins and his two brothers and you'd be close. Dan started talking to them for some reason (surely it can't have been to chat them up?) whilst Neil I walked ahead, suddenly Dan came bolting after us hollering “run”, as one of the aforementioned skinheads tried to catch up with him. I tried to sprint away but got a case of the ol’ porridge feet and couldn’t run for toffee (rather, mimicked running through toffee).

Eventually, I somehow got away ( I really don't know how, my running style was as effective as Stephen Hawking on gravel track) we all got split up and somehow found a safe haven. Our refuge was a random house with a nice big lounge (which resembled our Lorne Road student house (but without the Ginsters wrappers, Gareth's bad videos and dinner plates covered with old meat and B & H butts). As if by magic, Jake appeared, as did Neil and we went off for another (herby) walk through a different sunny town (which resembled Torquay) until we came across a big grass bank containing more chums, live music and jugglers. At this point, things become a bit hazy, all I can recall is that Nick Earl was there, lying on a picnic blanket, as was Nathan's sister, Abbe , Mark Linggood and Nicholas Cage (who is a Bath resident and seen by Mr J Stone last Sunday).

As for Mr Brown, who knows what fate befell him? If I was a betting man (which the next paragraph would seem to indicate), I'd say that the skinheads probably caught up with him and gave him a damn good thrashing. But the pacifist side of me hopes that he convinced those skinheads that violence wasn't the answer and they are had tea and scones together.

So there you go, nothing too exciting really, just something to write. Back on planet reality, poker on Saturday was pretty good, I came away with £30, which meant a paltry £10 profit, mustn't grumble I s'pose. I probably should have had more, being the only sober player an' all. Won't be doing that again, jeez, it was like watching some folk melt in front of you, one minute Gaffer was playing cards, the next he was playing along to 'I Just Called to Say 'I Love You'' on the keyboard. I love you and you are a wonderful host, Gaffer, but I don't like David Essex, his presence on the stereo was slightly harrowing for me, and I can't understand your fascination with the man. Furthermore, you didn't manage to answer Dave and I's questions, them being, 'Does he come from Essex?' and 'Does he really live on a boat?'...

Poor result for The Arsenal on the weekend really, but events at the Lane continue to amuse...

You could start by not calling me 'Bladder', sir

2008-10-03T12:33:00.004+01:00

Got a much needed weekend at home coming up, lots of DIY to do as always, but am also playing poker on Saturday round at Gaffer's house in Devizes, crazy name, crazy place. I've never manged to come home from poker with more than £20 in my pocket, there's £120 up for grabs tomorrow, so I'm hoping to beat my record and have enough cash for a celebratory slap up binge at Mrs Miggins' Pie Shop on Sunday.

Good week of Champions League football, nice to see Arsenal bounce back, although the defence still looked pretty dodgy early on in the match, especially from corners, which the press have identified as our new achilles heel. I'd expect to see ol' mekon head Silvestre make his debut pretty soon, maybe even against the makems tomorrow. Pity Drogba's injury wasn't more serious, he always seems to raise his game when we play Chelsea (which we do on November 30th), still, good to see Transylvania's top club prove that Chelsea lack bite, arf arf.

My friend Dom gets married on Saturday in Daytona Beach, Florida. A few Steeple folk have made the pilgrimage out to Miami, no doubt Mr Brown has purchased a spangly vest, some 1980's shorts and a pair of roller skates for the occasion. Not that he's going or anything, think he just likes the look (I jest). Best of luck mate, hope you and the missus have a cracking day and good luck with the Crocodile huntin'.

Did anyone read Joe Kinnear's press conference from yesterday? it's hilarious, first line of it goes something like this:

JK: "Who's Mr X? (Daily Mirror's north East Correspondent)

Journo:"Me"

JK "You're a c*nt"

It went on like that, you can read a virtually complete transcript on the Guardian's website here. It's well worth it, good on you Joe, the press need ranting at occasionally. It's been a few years since his last pre-game press conference so I can understand the build up of tension inside him. Poor old fella, he was apparently 18th choice for the 'interim manager' position and got a load of grief from day one. Kinnear also lives next door to Arsene Wenger, fact fans.

There's an exciting new show by JJ Abrahams (writer of Lost)starting on Sunday on Sky 1 called Fringe about a plane that lands on autopilot with all the passengers and crew already dead. Also, next weekend there is an event involving Matt Willmott and Rich Ashby being lost and unconscious in a camper van, this drama will be called Ginge...

Enjoy your weekends

Thanks, Bridesmaid, like the beard

2008-09-30T17:24:00.004+01:00

Attended naughty driving school yesterday and was surprised by how bl**dy useful and informative it was. Most people there had the same cheesed off attitude as I held on arrival ("Tsk, what an inconvenience, i was only doing 93 in a 20 zone"), perhaps because being sent to Keynsham for the afternoon felt like punishment enough. Some folk had travelled down from London, which also seemed a bit harsh. There was also a very annoying Bristolian in attendance, who had the most local accent you'd never wish to hear,(seriously it was terrible, like a pirate's wench or something). Anyhoo, the afternoon showed me that I had forgotten nearly all of the highway code. i think the course should be compulsory for all drivers every ten years or something, 'cos as Rocky said, "If you can change and I can change, etc. Adriannnn!!"

Spent a couple of nights down Steeple Morden's finest (and only) pub, the Waggon on Friday and Saturday evening. Good to catch up with everyone, and glad to hear the beard get the stamp of approval from most folk. Mr Linngoo managed to grab tickets for the Arsenal - Fenerbahce game on November 5th for a few of us so that's something to look forward to. With Arsenal's membership scheme you're often left sitting on your tod, but thankfully we can all cuddle together on bonfire Night for a change.

Some very drunken people were in the pub for karaoke on Saturday, really bad, wobbling then singing, one guy (who I believe was a Tottenham fan) seemed to have completely lost control of his 'wind duct' and was depositing smelly flappy woof woofs all over the place, yuk. Headed back to the Hasler compound about midnight for some chat, coffee and a brilliant 'dub dance' from Kristian. Walked back past the pub at 3am and it was still open, ahh village life...

As I mention in the above paragraphs, it was a blinding weekend back east, with the obvious exception of the Arsenal match. Unbelievable (Jeff), it was a sunny day, had a lovely couple of pints with Rich and Dave before hand. what could possibly go wrong? One of football's worse enemies - complacency. I wonder if back in the day, if Morden Magpies under 15's had the same level of belief in ourselves (and the defensive abilities of Philip Winston and Daniel Horne) we would we have lost 43-0 to Standalone? That said, we can always cling to that magical 3-2 victory over St Thomas' Colts at the Rec, they were chasing the Royston Crow League Championship, whilst The Magpies were sitting near the bottom. I grabbed an early goal, then dynamic midfielder Ben Chapman added a brace to give us a shock, but wonderful victory. As Ben wheeled away in celebration after heading in his second, Daniel Brown was heard to utter "I want to sh*g you!". Ben left the club soon afterwards...

Return of an irregular feature now, as Dudley ex-pat Brian Stevens returns with one of his lovely gags:

a couple are about to tee off a round of golf. the husbands turns to his wife:

"now listen.....i cannot afford to pay for any more broken windows...so for god's sake try to keep the ball on the golf course this time ok??"

"no problem," she replies, and tees off. the ball shoots straight over some trees and an enourmous CRASH is heard.

"jesus wept," the husband cries, and runs to inspect the damage.

the couple find the ball in the hallway of a huge mansion, having smashed clean through the bay window. a man is standing amongst the broken glass, scratching his head.

"i am so sorry sir," the husband stutters to the man, "my wife is always doing this and it's costing me a fortune!"

"do not worry," reassures the housekeeper, "for i am a genie, and your wife's golfball smashed straight through the window, knocked my lamp off the shelf, and released me. i now owe you a wish, and you must allow me one in return. you may choose first."

the husband thinks, and says "could i be a millionaire please?? my wife costs me a fortune in broken glass and golfballs."

"very well!" says the genie. "now my turn. i have been locked in that lamp for 1000 years, and i am horny...i wish to take your wife upstairs and have my way with her...then you will recieve your million pounds."

the man thinks long and hard, for he loves his wife very much, but needs the money.

"erm...okay i guess.." he says.

the genie and the man's wife go upsatirs, and she gets the ravashing of her lifetime. lying in bed together, the genie reaches for a cigarette, and the wife happily takes one.

"you smoke??!?" she says.

"yes," replies the genie, "now my question. how old are you??"

"i'm 33." she replies.

"and how old is your husband?" he asks, smoking contentedly.

"he's 37." she says.

"really....?" he says. "...and he still believes in genies????!?"

Roll up, Roll up

2008-09-25T12:15:00.005+01:00

Hello again and welcome back. Had a blinding birthday this week, Brian did an excellent write up on our night out on Saturday here. Thanks for filling in some of the gaps, Bri. It's a very funny read, even if you have no interest in what we did, my birthday or any of my friends.

The party continues this weekend, I hear there is karaoke down the Waggon on Saturday, dunno if i should sing. There was a little karaoke room in the club we were in last Saturday night, I tried to sing 'South of Heaven' by Slayer, but gave up after one verse as the lyrics are a bit, well, nasty.

There's a massive new shopping mall thing opening in the centre of Brizzle today, 'Cabot Circus' even has a Harvey Nichols. I can just imagine all the Vicky Pollard lookalikes (of which there are thousands, honestly, you wouldn't believe it) barging their way in, muffin tops a' showin', pushing their 9-berth prams asking where the Waggon Wheels are...

As mentioned earlier, am heading Eastside again this weekend, primarily to see Arsenal for the first time this season against Hull. What a result on Tuesday night, Vela looked red hot and it can't be long until Wilshere is seen more in the first team. Those two shone in pre-season and seem to have just picked up where they left off. Hate Sheffield Utd btw, especially that thug Chris Morgan (who punched RvP a couple of years ago but got away with it), my friend Nathan also got punched a few years ago up there, long may they rot in the lower divisions.

The ridiculous case going on between them, the Premier League and West Ham is another shambles blighting football. I feel it's one of the great flaws of the transfer window and especially deadline day that these so-called 'dodgy deals' are rushed through then ramified by the Premier Leaguie in the first place. Surely checking the 'ownership' of the player is vital to the completion of a transfer? Didn't they realise that the Media Sports Investment Group owned the player and the transfer could therefore be illegal? No, let's get more star names into the Premier League, no-one will bother to look too deep into this one, eh? Oh.

Newcastle, eh? The fans want rid of the cockney mafia, now Terry Venables has been linked, he's the effin' Godfather! Also, it seems they've fallen victim to the old 'Nigerian Prince' email scam, wonder if they'll have to supply their bank account details in order for the funds to be transferred? You really couldn't make it up.

"Let's go up there and blast him out of bed with a fire hose"

2008-09-19T12:14:00.007+01:00

Birthday week starts tomorrow with a Sopranos style bash in Bath's finest Italian eatery, Martini Ristorante. First night out in Bath for frickin' ages, be nice to see everyone amd meet Pod the Rod's new ladyfriend, looking forward to giving him a big cuddle after the tragedy of his Amsterdam nightmare. I hope Marcus has recovered from his pensioner-style fall last week; his jaw was a bit stiff last Sunday, it nearly fell off whilst we were watching a particular ball-bouncingly funny scene from Family Guy last week (the episode where Peter,Stewie, Chris and Brian drink some **** and see who can stay the longest without throwing up), poor fella.

Champions League footie returned this week; happy with a point in Kiev, even though Arsenal should have wrapped things up before half time. Van Persie and Adebayor were both guilty of missing decent chances; both RVP's fell on his right foot unfortunately (still not really an excuse), whilst Ade seemed to be wearing his jester's booties in front of goal. Our away game triple header concludes tomorrow at Bolton, oh joy. I really hope Bolton go down this year, this fan still hasn't forgiven them for assaulting half our team in 2003.

Refereeing decisions have been in the spotlight this week. I have no idea why John 'untouchable' Terry's red card was rescinded following an appeal; he rugby tackled an opposing player, which is serious foul play and should result in a red card. But no, after Mark Halsey had the cahones to send him off, his punishment is to be relegated to officiate in League Two, whilst Terry will appear before the Sky cameras this Sunday against Man Utd. Additionally, Danny Guthrie's basic assault on Craig Fagan (which resulted in Fagan breaking his leg), will only carry a 3 match ban, staggering.

Some cracking music coming out at the mo, got Metallica's new album this week, and it rocks, loads better than their last few. They're a band I've always loved but never seen live, even though I was mad into them back in my thrash metal days; I remember heading straight to Our Price in Letchworth with Nathan to buy '...And Justice For All' the day it came out back in 1989 (?), had a listen to it the other day, but the music hadn't aged particularly well.

New Kings of Leon is out Monday too, they were great on Jools Holland this week (as was the lovely Carla Bruni), new albums from Roots Manuva, The Aliens and dear ol' Oasis are out or on the horizon now, yummy ear food for your, er, hungry ears.

Reading 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas' at the moment, bl**dy hilarious, favourite piece of dialogue so far:

"Hell, I forgot about all this beer, you want one?"

He shook his head.

"How about some ether?" I said.

"What?"

Teachers - Do They Have It Easy, Or What?

2008-09-16T13:18:00.002+01:00

There's been a debate on this site of epic proportions between heavyweight Mahoney and middleweight Stevens regarding whether teachers have it easy. I know plenty of teachers, some of them have been spat at, punched, constantly abused and one even had a w*nk aimed at her (not sure this went 'hit the target' tho), all of these sound quite hazardous quirks of the job. In New Zealand, Neil sits down with his IT pals and plays Championship Manager all day over his network, probably. It's a debate that will rage on through the ages, but I think teachers suffer a bit in certain aspects (despite the 3 months of holiday), like bringing their work home with them every night, whereas most of us can leave our work head (Wurzel Gummidge style) at the office. Anyhoo, I'll let you two battle it out...

Fab weekend of football, Arsenal caning Blackburn, Man U losing and Tottenham bottom of the pile, it doesn't get much better. To top it off, I've shot to the top of the Schnorbitz Fantasy League (my Spurs supporting friend D Brown is bottom of that). Poor David Bentley, i really feel sorry for him. Actually, I don't, I am bathing in a pool of schadenfreude here, brilliant, I implore all Spudz fans to just keep looking at the table, it won't bite, lovely isn't it? Hmm?

Champions League returns this week too, we've got a tough game away to Kiev. I remember seeing them play at Wembley against Arsenal when Shevchenko and Rebrov terrorised Arsenal's defence ( most notably Martin Keown), they were such a good counter attacking side they really took your breath away. Still, they aren't the same team anymore, but any trip out east is always tough, as you'll soon learn when i get around to publishing Kristian's Euro diaries, think he missed a Kiev-Arsenal game once due to being kept in a police cell off his box on vodka...

See the world's heading into financial meltdown, something to do with Jens Lehmann? Anyoo, just proves that you can't build a world on capitalist cash as the mountain will surely topple down. Most people's ideology would be for all men to be equal, but when one man sits on top of a great pile of cash, he'll have further to fall, so there. Thing is, every other bugger is dragged along, hardly fair, is it?

Get Yourself Together

2008-09-10T12:05:00.004+01:00

This may be the last post I put on here since that CERN machine is getting switched on today and there is apparently a possibility (lauded by the Daily Mail) that a black hole will be created and everything will be sucked up into it like the last bit of a chocolate milkshake into La's gullet. I remember reading about it in that trashy Dan Brown novel 'Angels and Demons' , although I thing it's being used then to disprove the existence of God, or something. The most ridiculous part of that book, however, is how one of the protagonists survives falling out of a helicopter from 1000 feet and still gets to kill the pope ( I may have stretched the plot slightly there).

Listened to 'Road to Freedom' by Young Disciples on the way this morning, what a fine album. Although, in order to singalong to Carleen Anderson you'd need the ol' janglers lightly crushed 'txixt a pair of house bricks...

Excellent day in London last Friday for the wedding anniversary, the Emirates tour was fab, bargain at £12. Went up in the directors box, in the changing rooms, down the tunnel and onto the pitch (well not exactly the pitch as that was guarded by Gamorrean Guards). Sat in Arsene's seat in the dugout and managed to resist the temptation to lick it; there were loads of nippers on the trip, think one of them was celebrating his 9th birthday. Still, I would quite happily have thrown them all into the stands head first in order to sit in that bloody seat.

We also visited the Arsenal Museum which was good but I think the layout could do with some improvement. Anyhoo, they was a very prophetic quote written on one pillar, (I am paraphrasing slightly here), it was taken from an advert for the vacant Arsenal manager's position in 1925 (a position taken up by Herbert Chapman) and read something like "Any manager whose sole ability to deliver success relies on the payment of exorbitant transfer fees need not apply", hmm...

London Eye was pretty cool, the sun even came out for about 20 minutes, we were sharing our pod with a northern family though. Finished the day off in Punch and Judy's in Covent Garden, a fine pub that serves Leffe on draft (this beer can cause me to lose the ability to speak). We managed to haul ourselves down the Waggon later on in the evening to hook up with Kris and Ange and hear about Kristian's midweek trips to watch Stevenage away at Kettering in the rain, now that's committment.

Thank F the Premiership is back this weeknd as this International double header has been incredibly dull; I'm not the greatest England fan in the world but as the games have been on sultana, i haven't managed to see them anyway. A lot of folk in the country are rightly feeling apathetic towards our national team and things won't improve if the majority of the TV watching nation can't even see the blimmin' games...

Shocking News

2008-09-04T21:44:00.005+01:00

Arrived in Steeple Morden after quite a long ol' journey and already have found out some shocking news. I may be the only person who didn't know about this, but it has really hit me square in the crackers - Billy Ocean is English. I've spent my life thinking that he was American, what a waste...

Off to the Emirates and the London Eye in the rain tomorrow, then meeting Kris and Ange (with her brand new superhero eyes) down the Waggon; if you're around do pop in for a jar.

Overmars and the Nigerians

2008-09-03T12:09:00.008+01:00

So one of the most frantic days in football is over, Sky Sports News much wish there were more deadline days as the presenters were ridiculously excited (maybe Georgie Thompson was doing a special dance for them off camera?). A frustrating day for Gooners everywhere, I stayed up till midnight in the vain hope that Arsene would do the right thing and grab Alonso, but it was not to be. The club must've been aware that fans wouldn't be too happy so what did they do? Put an article on the Arsenal website about how much Eboue's passing had improved this season. WTF?? Who made that decision?? Be interesting to see what Arsene has to say, yes we looked good against Newcastle, but we've got some tough games coming up (the next 3 are away to Blackburn, Dynamo Kiev and Bolton) and if (as usual) we get some injuries to key midfielders during the International break, we will be screwed and Wenger will have to take the blame, especially after he said he would sign a defensive midfielder weeks ago.

Man City and Newcastle have been dominating the news for the past couple of days and rightly so. The soap opera that is Newcastle Utd is plunging the depths once more, with yet another Keggy related saga. All sorts of confusing messages are coming out of the club, whilst hundreds of torch and pitch fork wielding geordies baying for Mike Ashley's ample hide lurk outside the ground. It's a shame as they started the season pretty well and seem to have a better team this year (Jonas Gutierrez looks mint). This farce is going to end one way...badly.

As for Man City, they seem to be the new Chelsea. Except they're not, because everyone hates Chelsea (esp Peter Kenyon) and Man City are eminently likeable. "40 condoms, please, shopkeep" Robinho is an unbelievable signing, but he is also a bit of a live wire, have a read of Sid Lowe's article from today's Guardian for more info. The new owners seem to be intent on playing Premiership Championship Manager, much like Abramovich did when he allegedly put in bids of £40m for Vieira and £50m for Henry in 2003 soon after buying Chelsea. This story will run and run over the next week, probably meaning England's vital qualifiers will be overlooked.

Was speaking to Neil this morning about the wonderful world of Championship Manager (now Football manager), a legend of a game that I used to be furiously addicted to (El Wristo guitarist Dave Boardman once spent 26 hours straight playing it), it was easy to confuse reality with CM sometimes, the game even was the basis for several divorce cases earlier this century, with plaintiffs citing it as a cause of neglect, brilliant.

A colleague at work, Cycling eco-warrior David has set up a YouTube channel devoted to video he's taken of him nearly being run over every day on the ride into work, you can view some of his close calls here.

Got Friday off this week as it's Lou and mine's 5 year wedding anniversary, we're off to London for the day to do a tour of the Emirates (which I am stupidly excited about), bum around Camden and hop on the London Eye, will take some pics for Facebook.

European Football Highlights

2008-08-30T12:59:00.002+01:00

Here is a highlights video of last week's Holland vs. England game, enjoy...

Five Star Weekend

2008-08-28T12:06:00.009+01:00

Am gradually getting back to life, back to reality, after a week or so of good times, good company and five goals.

Please accept my contrafibularities if this post is even more of a diary than my usual ones. Neil has written a decent journal of the last week on his site so I'll try not to repeat what he said too much.

It all started with the arrival of La in Corsham last Tuesday; it had been over two years since I'd seen him but after a Sopranos style hug, it was like he'd been away for 2 minutes. Nothing had changed with him, I got to hear his little political views (something I really miss when he's not here, as he has something to say about everything, although it is usually general curiosity about his bits and other people's) - most of which i couldn't print on here - well, a 'safe' one was "Jesus is Santa Claus for adults, like", which I quite liked, seems that Neil has the kind of theological acumen that Richard Dawkins would be proud of.

Had a brilliant day in Bath with La and Marcus on the Wednesday, just wandered around really, looked at the pigs (one was later abused by a certain scouser, I'm sure you don't need a picture), waited for Neil to have a tattoo then before I knew it, Friday had arrived and it was time for Amsterdam.

The football couldn't have gone better, especially for me, everything I touched went in and I ended up bagging 5 goals in a 6-3 win (R Wilson got the other which was followed by a typically subdued celebration). The game had started badly with Nick 'Frank Sinclair' Earl heading past a hapless La in the BCHE goal. However, we soon took control with the midfield and front 4 overpowering the Dutch with their pace and incision, whilst the defence stood firm, with Davis, Haines, Woods and Earl proving too strong for the Dutch. We went to the Dutch lads' very pleasant clubhouse after our victory and bathed in some rare sunshhiiinnne for a couple of hours before heading to a great sports bar for booze, food and a terrible Arsenal performance.

We didn't end up back out in 'Dam till 11, had a nice walk with La around the red light although we had probably the worst meal in history in a kebab shop, it was meat, pitta and a string of lettuce, the meat looked like cat food with the jelly removed, we both ended up cleaning our plates.

Sunday was all about saying goodbye, after it seemed we had only just said "alright". So good to see everyone again, we spend the majority of time taking the mick out of each other, but the love shines through and it's such a pity we can't get together more often (my thoughts go out to Bri and Paul, who suffered ridiculous bad luck and missed the trip, you were sorely missed).
Would've loved to have seen more of Nathan, thankfully he came out on Friday night which was great. I love Amsterdam and can't believe I haven't been before, the atmosphere was just electric and very friendly. Won't be too long before I take the family over for a weekend with Nath and gang (to make up for my non-appearance on Sunday!).

Had a real planes, trains and automobiles day (in that order, no amusing John Candy character around tho, just Rich - whom I also love, especially when were funking out in our room) and was all over the place by the time I arrived back at home, still not back to 100%...

Hope you're all enjoying the Fantasy League this year, 23 is a pretty good number, check your progress here.

In other news, my very good friend Daniel Bruce Brown had an article printed in The Independent this week, its all about controlling your cash at Uni, (bit late for that!) but if you want to have a read follow this link.

More to come over the next week, got Kristian's European Away trips to put on here, plus my thoughts on a superb film I saw called 'Taking Liberties', look it up, buy/download it, show it to your friends and get them to show it to their friends. Just found out you can watch it here!

Finally, and just for Jake (he of the hilarious hair jokes), here is a brilliant video of the Death Star over San Francisco, enjoy...

Schtop! Schtop! This astroturf isnt ready yet

2008-08-18T12:47:00.000+01:00

Saw a bit of crime last Wednesday down in the grim shopping area of Broadmead, Brizzle. For those of you who aren't familiar with Broadmead, its filled with a ton of regular shops, thousands of single mothers, builders, Vicky Pollard lookalikes (enough to fill the Isle of Wight), as well as normal folk like you or I. Anyhoo, there's loads of building work going on so the walking areas are quite narrow; a fella came barging past me, pushed one of the aforementioned VP lookalikes in the face (she wasn't hurt but had a 6"5 skinhead boyfriend- the kind that looked like he liked fights; he managed to get a sneaky kick in as the crim was being led away) before being rugby tackled by a security guard resmbling Ted Bovis. Not sure what he'd done, but his track marks stuck out like, well, bright red spots...

Got tickets for Aresenal v Hull on Sept 27th, woo hoo. Not the most glamorous of games to start with but I'll take anything.

You've still got a chance to join the Schnorbitz Fantasy League, follow this link and the instructions in the post below, over 20 teams so far...

I am eagerly awaiting an article for the site from reformed hooligan, Kristian Hasler. Back in September 1993, about a week before I left sleepy Steeple Morden for Bath, Kristian, Nath and myself headed up the motorway to grim ol' Huddersfield for a midweek League Cup match (proper away trip). Anyhoo, Kristian worte a piece on our adventure and ended up coming second in a competition ran by old footie magazine 90 Minutes, for which he won a Coca Cola Cup t-shirt.

Injury update ahoy. After speaking to BCHE Old Boys striker Rich Ashby yesterday, Funk Pie can give you an update on his injury status. Ashby's wrist (the left one apparently, further to the last report) is still a tad limp; he commented "I'll bring my kit, but don't know if I can play". When asked what he use his wrist for in a match he replied "I wanna hit some f***ing Dutchies, don't I?". Cornwall-based pair Brian Stevens and Paul Bray are two other players who have been talking to the media this week, both were concerned that the game would be played on astroturf as this wouldn't suit their natural game. Following assurances that our game is more suited to a fast surface, the pair acquiesced and carried on with their game of pool. However, breaking news this morning from the Dutch camp that the game will in fact be played on grass is bound to upset the rhythm of some of the squad who may have been gearing their training to towards astroturf rather than grass, come 3.30ish on Saturday, we'll have the answer.

Neil has landed safely and is currently beaving around the country before arriving in Corsham tomorrow for a great booze up followed by a trip down memory lane in Bath on Wednesday, expect cuddles, giggles, excess wind and pictures.

Read on Friday that Tarantino's new film is going to be some kind of crazy Nazi affair. Seems that Brad Pitt will lead a team of American Jewish soldiers into Germany with the sole purpose of "killin' Nazis"; it's reported that it'll be super violent with several scalpings and even some 'nad- shooting. You can read more here.

No-one understands him but his woman

2008-08-11T18:05:00.005+01:00

Sad news this morning about the death of Isaac Hayes. Obviously best remembered for Shaft (always worth watching, the soundtrack has plenty of quality on it in addition to the title track), if you haven't got any of his stuff, I'd heartily recommend grabbing a copy of Hot Buttered Soul. It's only got 4 tracks, but has the most incredible version of 'Walk on By' on it, which contains some of the best string work ever put down on vinyl. When I eventually finish my screenplay and get someone to direct the film, expect to hear it at the end. In true Mickey Deverell style, Mr Hayes fathered 12 children during 4 marriages. Gawd bless yer Isaac, you were one cool mutha.

Nice day yesterday, managed to go swimming, do some tap shopping for the imminent bathroom decoration and go to meet lovely baby Millie for the first time. Then I drank too much wine with Marcus, which I am regretting now.

How badly to Arsenal need a new midfielder? Who will it be? Inler, Barry, Alonso, Toure? Maybe none of them , only Arsene knows. Bit surprised to hear him say he's too busy to buy anyone at the moment, why hasn't a new MD been hired yet to do all this work for him? Effing season starts Wednesday night!!

Full week at work this week, two and half days to do next week tho due to the arrival of La and the trip to Dam...

Caught by the Fuzz

2008-08-06T20:28:00.017+01:00

In your face, the man

After a brief hiatus I've returned to write a few words. Firstly, found out I've got to go the frickin' naughty driving school after I was clocked doing 37 in a 30 zone at 7.15 in the morning, a time when I'm driving along like a zombie. It was a blimmin' Monday morning too! And I have to go to Shirehampton for the privilege! What a world...

Got to mention Orfest, which was held in Orwell Clunch Pit the other weekend. Cracking day so hats off to you Jamie, hope to come again next year. I took some pictures but have memory card issues so won't be able to post them for a week or so I'm afraid. Still, saw some good bands, the Rumbolds' Latino combo were ace, as were the heavily-plugged Blanco. Really great to catch up with everyone, good to see Kristian hadn't lost his ability to dance when others would not dare., gawd bless you , sir.

Amsterdam is just over 2 weeks away now. Neil and I sent out some questionnaires as part of the build up to the match, you can view them here. I will be exclusively revealing the design of the BCHE Old Boys pennant on this site in the next week or so. We felt a bit bad after the Dutch 'gave us one' before the last game, our chance for reciprocation has now come and we are grabbing it with open tulip-scented arms.

Some of you may have received a Fantasy Footie mail, we had a quite few teams in the Schnorbitz League last year, want to push it to over 20 if possible, like in the good old days (when I used to win, unlike the last few years). Anyhoo, please go here if you want to enter a team: http://fantasy.premierleague.com

A tw*t, yesterday

Once you have logged in and entered your team, click on the 'Leagues' link you can find on the right of the page. Now enter the code 65879-121666 to join the private league.

Finally, a big Happy Birthday to Kristian H and Daniel Bruce Brown, both or whom had a birthday somewhere around the mid-30s this week.

Purple MonkeyRichcrock'd, er!

2008-07-24T19:51:00.004+01:00

Evening, quite a short post for you. First, injury news ahead of BCHE Old Boys upcoming match against Den Haag SchmergenPartnerLovergehaffen. Cold blooded Strawberry blonde rapier-like striker Richard Ashby suffered an injury blow last weekend whilst drinking with the soil people. An attempt to cross Park Street in Bristol was cut short by a bloody great central reservation, resulting in Ashby eating pavement, and BCHE Old Boys' fans biting their nails. Ashby suffered cuts n' bruises and more worryingly, a hairline fracture of the wrist (his right one). Ashby is currently only wearing a wrist support and is reported to have had some trouble changing gear. When asked about the injury on Tuesday, Ashby commented " It was F**king stupid really". Well, quite. The interviewer was also keen to point out that Ashby remains, as ever, devilishly handsome.

In other news, here is a you tube clip that you have to watch, if you love Goodfellas and don't mind The Flintstones, check it out here.

Also, check out the picture of a stoned monkey to the right. he landed on our windscreen at Longeat, bad dates?

Have a good weekend, I'll let you know about Orfest next week.

Escape From Chavtown

2008-07-22T17:10:00.008+01:00

Back at work yesterday after a great week off with Lou and Joya. Started off in Steeple last weekend, despite the journey from hell on the way down, Saturday was a brilliant day as got to catch up with The Brothers Hasler, My sis and her fella, Linggoo and the lovely folk down the Waggon. Back there this weekend for Orfest; will try and take a few pics and perhaps some video too. Mark's band, Blanco will be eagerly anticipated by many attending.

Anyhoo, back to the holiday, had a nice day at Longleat Safari Park, got lucky in the lion and tiger section (not like that) and saw a massive tiger and a big ol' lion (as you'd expect).

Also, had days in Bath, the Sham and Weston-Super-Mare (aptly named as 'Birmingham-on-Sea' by Mr Stevens).

Weston-Super-Mare must have the highest population of chavs anywhere in the country. Honestly, I've never seen so many badly dressed, Elizabeth Duke - wearing eejits anywhere. Some of the outfits the larger women wore (and there were plenty of them about) just beggared belief, talk about walnuts stuffed into a condom. Who is telling these people that they look OK? "Well you may be 19 stone love, but that vest and hot pants outfit really shows off your curves".

What are the pensioners of this country going to look like in 40/50 years time? W-S-M is full of dignified elderly folk, all very smartly dressed and generally being civil and normal. What are the chav generation going to be like? Instead of pearl necklaces, will old women wear bike chains round

Miss W-S-M 2008, yesterday

their neck and earrings big enough for a dog to jump through? Will the menfolk be bedecked in caps and white trainers? The future could be very bleak.

Good to see Arsenal back in action on Saturday against Barnet, pretty poor game to be honest, but Aaron Ramsey and Jack Wilshere looked very promising indeed. However, surely after all the midfield losses we've suffered this summer, Le Boss needs to buy experience doesn't he?

Enjoy the sunshine.

Midlands Mirth with Brian Stevens

2008-07-18T14:33:00.014+01:00


a man is driving his car alone through the deserted countryside when it breaks down. he opens the bonnet, and takes a look...he cannot see anything obviously wrong, and begins to panic because he is miles form anywhere and it is getting dark. suddenly he hears a mysterious voice... 'it's the distributor cap.' he frantically looks all around him...nothing but fields...and again the voice says, louder this time... "Hello, is that Tarby?" 'it's the distributor cap.' terrified now, he checks the distributor cap...and indeed that is the problem. he cleans it, puts it back on, and the car starts. arriving at a pub sometime later, the man rushes to the bar, and shaking badly orders a double scotch. the barman askes him what the panic is, and the man explains about the mysterious voice that diagnosed his engine trouble. At the end of the bar is sat an extremely old farmer, hunched over his drink, looking menacing. 'tell me boy...' the farmer says, 'were you in the middle of nowhere 'bout 5 miles west of here, when you heard this voice??' 'y..y..yes' the man replies. 'surrounded by nowt but fields were ya??' says the farmer. 'er...yes...yes i was sir.' says the man, feeling very spooked. ''appen to notice a horse nearby did ya??' the farmers says, lifting his head to look the man in the eye. 'er.....i...think so....yes, yes there was. a white horse i think......' the man replies nervously. 'white eh?? you lucky bstard.' replies the farmer, looking back at his drink. confused, the man plucks up the courage to ask.. ''wh...why am i lucky sir??' 'well...' the old man replies, staring into the middle distance, 'normally the brown one is there...and he knows bgger all about cars.'

Being La

2008-07-15T20:03:00.004+01:00

Some guest writing for you now, here's Funk Pie's token scouser, Neil Mahoney (see file photo). There'll be more guests tomorrow, when Brian Stevens returns with a filthy gag for y'all.

Being a scouser isn't easy. You have to try hard to be a scouser. It doesn't come naturally, its actually hard work. First of all I have the issue of technically not being a scouser as I come from the posh area of merseyside, but my dads from the Dingle, so that makes it alright. Every morning you need to remember to use your accent to the full and crack a joke and drop in a little song. When you get to work you need to be sickeningly happy, loud and have a story to tell. You must during the day remember that you could be being filmed by someone and that fame is just around the corner. An unrealistic view of life is required as is an opinion on everything and using the scouse right to change your opinion when you want.

Bankside

2008-07-08T17:51:00.008+01:00

I see Alex Hleb has come out with the usual "I never said them things" after the stories this morning where he'd allegedly slagged off Le Boss and Fabregas; this is so tiresome, every summer the same things happen. You're not wanted anymore Alex, I just hope we get a replacement in soon as transfer activity at Arsenal is happening about as fast as Bella Emburg negotiating her way through a giant field of blancmange.

Finally got round to watching 'This is England' last night, if you've not seen it yet, please give it a try, and whilst you're at it, try some of Meadows' other films, especially 'Dead Man's Shoes', which is phenomenally good.

Looking forward to seeing a few people I've barely clapped eyes on over the last few months this weekend when I head back to lil' ol' Steeple Morden. The Brothers Hasler, who are back from their respective travels (or overseas abode) and Dom, who is over from Beijing briefly.

One advantage to working in Brizzle is you occasionally see nice little pieces of Banksy's work, like the one on the left, which is painted onto a house just off Park Street.

Playing 5 a side tomorrow, gotta keep sharp for the 'Dam...3 more days then got a week off work, get in.

Matt Thompson - Guitars, Gambling and a Good Egg

2008-07-04T13:19:00.007+01:00

As I mentioned in my last post, my good friend Matt Thompson is leaving these shores to embark on a new adventure in lovely ol' Ottowa on July 14th. Here are a few paragraphs about Matt, feel free to comment or leave some of your own memories (sorry Matt, it wasn't meant to sound like an obituary)

Heytesbury
Perhaps my most abiding memory of Matt would be our silly mission to Heytesbury. Following another fun night out in Bath one Saturday evening in 2004, Matt and I decided that it was far too early to go home, and to be honest, Brian and Gareth looked like they wanted to spend some quality time together), we thought it might be a good idea to jump on a train and head to London. So, off to the station we went, no trains to Londinium. At this point, we decided we'd go to Southampton for some reason, again, there were no trains, but we did meet a 6"8 giant of a man, wearing army surplus gear, hair like Heathcliff and extremely piercing blue eyes (imagine the bad guy from No Country for Old Men with a smile...and no oxygen tank), he was waiting for a friend, we decided to split, just in case his mate Fred West turned up.

Our next stupid decision was to try and thumb a lift down to Southampton (I think we were heading to see my friend Dan, who it turned out was away that weekend), so off we headed down Great Pulteney Street. As we approached The Holborne Museum, we saw several police dog vans and about 10 officers storming the museum (it was also puring with rain at this point) "Hmm, how strange" we thought, then wandered up the road onto the A36. After a mile or so
we were picked up by 3 lads in a small car, who were going as far as Warminster. They seemed nice enough and dropped us off in a layby near Warminster; they even offered to put us up for the night, but we declined and carried on walking to Southampton until we realised how bloody stupid we were being.

This epiphany occurred in the lovely village of Heytesbury (you can have a look at how far we walked here). It was about 3.00 in the morning by this point (we had left bath about 11.30) and Heytesbury had one phone box, which happened to be next to a particularly spooky graveyard, quite apt when you consider our crepuscular activities.

We had one 10p between us so had to choose our one phone call carefully. We decided that we would phone Matt's then-girlfriend Liz, who was 'definitely' staying with her friend in Southampton . We rang Matt's girlfriend's fiends, woke up her parents and were told to bugger off. Darn. Fear not, back then, there was a freephone number for Rainbow taxis, I phoned them and eventually managed to persuade them to take us to bath, £45 later we were both safely tucked into our beds wondering what the hell we had done.

Fruit machines
I hadn't really touched fruit machines before meeting Matt, less than a year later, i was ridiculously addicted to the Doctor Who machine in the Grapes (which was a great fruity, despite not having watches as prizes), constantly swapping fivers for "five ones please, Chris". I managed to beat my terrible affliction but bore the financial brunt for much of the following year.

His guaranteed attendance in the Grapes the second his monthly 'pay' arrived from the Bank of Winchester
His guitar and banjo wizardry
His no nonsense style on the football field
His Cornish pasty feet
Taking me on some great nights out in Winchester
Hearing his brother's immortal words "Look, as long as you've worked enough to have £50 in your pocket to sit in the pub all day Saturday, you're doing all right"
*note this was in 1995
Being the only person I've phoned the police and hospitals about following his disappearance on the 'Lost Weekend'.
Never having a dull moment in his company
His general 'good eggness'

Wednesday night

He came round about 5 ish and we popped to the pub about 7.30 for a couple of hours, think he left about 10, then came back to ask where the nearest petrol station was, then came back 10 mins later because he'd forgotten his sunglasses. I'm presuming he got home Ok.

Matt may still make an appearance in Amsterdam, though. I suggested him setting a difficult target that if reached, would allow him to join us all. This started off being "Get a Full Time Job within 2 weeks of your arrival", but soon degenerated into ''Get an interview", then "Apply for a job", then "write a CV", then "Read a job advert" and finally, just say "job". So fingers crossed, we'll see him on the Arena Hotel on August 22nd..

Highlights and Twilights

2008-07-02T12:50:00.004+01:00

Why the hell haven't Arsenal signed Nasri yet? Lets hope this one is sorted soon, gotta be down to Marseilles and the Ben Arfa deal, surely? Anyhoo, we could see Adebayor leave this week as well, Lord knows how this one's come about (maybe down to the 'super agents' who aren't affiliated to any club or particular player but just like to stir things up, the b*stards); if he is asking for mega money I'd let him go, he had a good season last year, but he still misses a

load of chances. Barcelona may well offer Eto'o in exchange, which I'd take in a heartbeat; Arsene may have different ideas tho. Still, Ade's reception form the fans could be interesting to hear...

Glasto was wonderful this year, saw some great music, met some lovely people and even got a little sun tan. Took a few pics but all a bit wobbly, there are a couple here and the rest will be found on my facebook profile later this week.

Band highlights were Raconteurs, Manu Chao, Goldfrapp (and her lovely dancing ladies!), Groove Armada and the Zutons. I mentioned last week that I was really looking forward to seeing the Kings of Leon and Massive Attack, they were both Ok, Kings of Leon were nearly brilliant but it gets on my wick that they omit so many great songs from the first album from their set. As for Massive Attack, I just wish I'd seen them 10 years ago as the songs didn't seem to resonate live as much as I would have expected. Oh well, still a decent gig, but without the energy or freshness of the acts I mentioned earlier.

Nevertheless, the bands take up a tiny part of your time at Glasto. As always, Lou and I were up in the Green fields stuffing ourselves with vegetarian tuck and chilling with some lovely hippy-types. There was a new area called 'Shangri-la' (which replaced the old 'Lost Vagueness' filed) which was pretty cool, it had an American Diner, a swing club, pole dancing, a big tank and various other freaky features, very lively after hours too.

Trash City was quite incredible after nightfall; check out the picture to the left, which despite not doing the sculptures any justice gives you a tiny idea of what the place was like. Think the set of 'From Dusk Till Dawn' and you'll get a vague picture of what it was like, a fabulous feat of engineering, design, sprinkled with a liberal helping of fire, lots and lots of fire.

Tried to meet up with Ginge but he went missing after the first night there. I woke up on Saturday morning with 6 messages on my phone from him in various sates of collapse, the last was let about 5.20, so hope he got back OK!

Thanks also to my sis and Dan for setting up our tent on Thursday!

On a slightly smaller scale, OrwellFest is on 26th July and has five bands playing, should be a great day as loads of Steeple people will be there; if its a success it will become a regular event on the festival calendar...

Am meeting BCHE legend Matt Thompson (who amongst other things got me addicted to fruit machines and showed me what a good guitarist should really sound like) for a farewell drink tonight as he and his lovely wife are moving to Ottawa in a couple of weeks, I'm going to write a tribute to him later this week so keep your eyes peeled....

Finally, those of you coming to Amsterdam might want to read this article regarding the smoking ban that came into effect yesterday!

C Ya

2008-06-26T18:20:00.005+01:00

Bit hectic at the moment as off to Glasto first thang, found out that beave and Chris are going to so look forward to seeing them by the cider tent.

Good to see Spain come through last night, Fabregas changed the game again by coming on, Aragones has got to play him in the final. As for Arshavin, Barca are welcome to him, he couldn't step up when it mattered and Cesc was just majestic. ...

Hope y'all have a good weekend and if Arsenal sign Peter Crouch I plan to leave the country, adios!

Where's Me Tea?

2008-06-23T22:57:00.005+01:00

Packing up the last few things for Glasto, dilemmas over how many pairs of pants to take, etc. I need to get some cigarette filters as they are brilliant for using in the toilets at the festival, by that I mean that you stick them up your nose before entering a latrine to avoid the lovely odour. You see some pretty memorable things in those toilets, especially the 'pit' ones; if you dare look down you are treated to various sticky floaty objects that definitely belong on the inside of a sewage pipe.

Still can't believe how much fuss is being made over the Jay Z thing. The story must be big as even my 90 yr old Gran mentioned it to me on the phone over the weekend (Ok, so she didn't know his name, "that rapper fellow") and thought he was going on first, but I'll let her off. I don't mind a bit of hove, but Massive Attack are playing the Other Stage at the same time so its no contest really; I've always wanted to see them but have never managed to so I'm really looking forward to a deeply moving experience (I hope the Imodium hasn't worn out by then, as always, I'm planning on "corking up" for the weekend).

Doctor Who was ridiculously good on Saturday, well excited about the next 2 episodes, be good to see "ol' raisin bonce" Davros again.

Did some gardening yesterday which was ace. We've planted a few onions, lettuce and some salad leaves this year so hoping to chomp on them before long. I really ache today tho, must be getting old 'cos I seem to ache for much longer than usual these days, at this rate I'll be wandering around like Grandad from 'Bread' before too long...

Blimey, blimey, blimey , blimey

2008-06-22T09:18:00.003+01:00

Quick Euro 2008 interlude, what a couple of cracking games we've had in the last 2 days, well, cracking periods of extra time at least. The Turkey - Croatia game was quite remarkable, never seen anything like it in my life, but well done to the Turks, who now go on to face Richard Berry's Germany in the semis. Feel a bit sorry for the Dutch but the Ruski's deserved their win, and lets hope Arsene in readying his chequebook in order to grab Arshavin as he looks absolute quality.

Italy v Spain later, can't see Luca Toni starting again, that bloke couldn't score in a brothel with a blank cheque at the moment; let's hope Fabregas has a good game and stays out of harms way. Wonder if he'll get his 'way' and see Villa at Arsenal next season (if the Adebayor stories are true?).

Quick congrats goes out to Dave and Pauline, who had a little girl this week, good work Boardman's.

Got a good week lined up, Lou's birthday on Tuesday, only working 2 and a half days, and off to Glasto on Friday, sweet.

Was supposed to be playing cricket today but the weather looks pants, never mind, enjoy the rain.

Shot Down

2008-06-19T17:24:00.003+01:00

Read this week that legendary footie magazine Shoot! is stopping production. I used to get it every week (Nathan would always get 'Match', but I thought that was a bit rubbish) and was a bit sad when I heard this news. I recall the player interviews and the league ladders most fondly; although when i used to read it, Arsenal were nowhere near the top of the table (you obviously had the option to cheat and place them at the summit of the Canon League Div One). The player interviews were also quality, I once 'did one' on Kristian, his 'Player for the Future' was Rafael Meade, who looked mint as a youngster then just seemed to disappear. I nicked this from an article in the Guardian, but here are some highlights from genuine player interviews:

Mark Lawrenson (Brighton & Hove Albion)
Favourite food and drink?
Lasagne and Lambrusco.

Gerry Francis (Queens Park Rangers)
Favourite players?
Myself followed by team-mate Stan Bowles and West Germany's Uli Hoeness.
Favourite Singer?
Captain Beefheart.
Which person in the world would you most like to meet?
Patrick McGoohan.

Diego Maradona (Argentina)
Favourite food?
Oven-roasted meat.
Miscellaneous dislikes?
Injustice.

Alan Birchenall (Leicester City)
Which person in the world would you most like to meet?
Hitler (if still alive) – or Neil Diamond. (Christ!)

Alan Ball (Arsenal)
Likes?
All foods, lager.
Dislikes?
Women cigarette smokers.

Gary Lineker (Leicester City)
Favourite newspaper?
Daily Star.
Nickname?
Link.
Career after playing?
Hopefully a bookmaker.

Craig Johnston (Liverpool)
Favourite food and drink?
Big steaks and, of course, a tube of Foster's. (What the hell's a tube of Foster's? is it like a tube of smarties? - MD)

Dave Hodgson (Middlesbrough)
After-match routine?
Out to the pub and then on to a nightclub.
Miscellaneous dislikes?
People who misjudge you before meeting you.

Quarter Finals of the Euros start tonight; difficult to call who's going to win at the moment. Germany v Portugal is on later, altho I have no love for either team really. Think Mertesacker would be a good signing for Arsenal tho, he's tall, good in the air and strong for such a foppish looking character.

Played 5 a side last night for the first time in ages, bit of a trek as I now work in Brizzle and the game took place out in Clifton (which for those of you who know the area, is frickin miles away from home), pitches were great tho, Bristol City used to train there and i marked my debut with 2 goals in an 8-5 victory. i obviously need to keep my scoring feet on as competition for places in the team for Amsterdam is fierce, as you can see here.

Finally, there are rumours of a mini festival happening in the teeny tiny village of Orwell, nr Cambridge. Promoter Jamie Fewster is currently unavailable for comment, however, I'll get some soundbites from him as the gig nears. Headlining will be , er, Mark Linggood's band (for the record, its not Mark's band as such, but i don't know what they're called), it has been suggested (by me) that I should do a funk/reggae/Latino set too, but nothing to report on that yet...

Brass Knockers

2008-06-16T18:44:00.009+01:00

Well, hello there. Had a nice Fathers Day yesterday in Bath, popped out for an Italian meal Artie Bucco would've been proud of. Ended up down in Pulteney Gardens, scene of the 1993 'Great Deckchair Robbery' (the deckchairs in question can be seen about 5 mins into this video), twas a typical English afternoon, there was even a brass band parping away on the band stand. Their target demographic shone through their music as the song's I heard were the theme from 'It Ain't Half Hot Mum', the theme from 'Dad's Army', the theme from 'Last of the Summer Wine' and finally, a ball-breaking rendition of our National Anthem. Disappointing really, but the old folks seem to enjoy it, it would've been nice if they'd done something a bit more upbeat; I'd even have been happy with the theme from 'Give Us A Clue' (Lionel Blair vintage) or even 'Going for Gold'.

What else has been happening? Well Kris and Ange are back safely from their travels. I say 'back safely' because according to Kristian, they pretty much cursed every destination they thought of visiting. For example, they thought of popping up to Burma, just before the Monky business kicked off; they then though about Pakistan, then Benazir Bhutto was killed. Not put off by these portents of doom, our plucky couple then thought about going to Burma, right before that terrible cyclone hit. They've been back a couple of weeks now, rumour has it they thought about popping to their local garage for some petrol on arrival. Eh? Oh.

As Neil has mentioned on his website, a load of us old BCHEers are off to play some footie and have a much needed catch up in Amsterdam on the August Bank Holiday. Really looking forward to it, we'll be looking to avenge our dodgy 3-2 defeat last year. We are aided (?) this year by having the rather intimidating figure of Neil in goal; however, I'd expect him to break his arse again (probably by slipping on some wee after a disastrous 'Eiffel Tower' impression) well before August so best not count one's chickens yet. Anyhoo, there'll be loads of build up on this site and Neil's over the next few months. Maybe we'll try to put together podcast of something.

Amsterdam nicely segueways into talk of footie in general. The new fixtures were out today, Arsenal's first few fixtures look very winnable, and we could do with a decent start again. Still, so much depends on what happens transfer-wise. I'll save that rant till after Euro 2008, which I've really enjoyed.

Glasto next week, can't believe how quickly it's come round. Really looking forward to seeing Kings of Leon, Massive Attack, Manu Chao, Lightspeed Champion and Kool Keith. Although other stuff usually gets in the way of the bands at Glasto, see ya soon...

Back Online

2008-05-15T13:28:00.003+01:00

Hello, been away a while but think i'm gonna get back into this blogging lark, updates comin' soon....

Leave Johnny Foreigner alone, you!

2007-11-16T12:53:00.000Z

So England will probably fail to qualify for Euro 2008 this weekend, boo hoo. It's convenient that several managers and players (including Stevie MBE) are blaming the influx of foreign players for England's International shortcomings. Fergie started all this off by saying Arsenal had too many in their team, even though in United's next game following his whiskey-fuelled outburst, he fielded 8 foreigners in his side. This debate doesn't have any legs in my opinion; I'm obviously on Arsene's side on this one; there's a great piece in 442 this month where he says that since football is arguably the most popular global televised sport, what better way to show how different nations can come together as a team and work towards success? Which other fields do we see this? It may be an idealistic viewpoint but I think its a very valid one; having quotas on foreign players sounds like a plan straight from the pages of the Daily Mail if you ask me; our game in this country is now richer and more popular than ever before, don't blame the arrival of Johnny Foreigner just because the FA has an inept selection committee or a manager that is clearly less able than most club managers in the Premiership...

Still not got t'internet at home, been spending the last two weeks painting and decorating, still got a fair bit to do, mind, Sarah Beeny would be very proud. I'd like to think that those skills you're supposed to pick up automatically when you become a dad (being able to do DIY, re-wire a house, build a fence, etc.) are shining through now .

Well done to YouTube for pulling Neil's Sinead O'Connor video, it was the scariest video i've seen since that Aphex Twin one where his face is on everyone's body (Windowlicker); do check out Neil's assault course videos tho' as they're pretty funny, don't think CTU will be calling him up for work soon tho...

One highlight of the weekend was watching Paul Merson's front tooth fall out whilst reporting on a game on Soccer Saturday, hilarious, looked like a massive bit of chewing gum; poor ol' Merse, he's not blessed in the brain departent but he's still a legend and Nathan and me once asked hom for his autograph twice when he played for an Arsenal XI v Royston Town back in the 80's....

Nice bust

2007-10-19T18:49:00.000+01:00

How typical. I mention 'knee knack' in my last blog and lo and behold, Robin van Persie twists his knee and is gonna be out for up to a month. Oh well, nowt I can do about it, better looking at it as a great chance for Eduardo to show us his stuff. However, van Persie's injury has also scuppered my Fantasy team which is a dreadful shame since I was shooting up the table like a gun-slinger with bad eyesight. Nevertheless, putting Adebayor will surely bag plenty of points....

We haven't seen much of our Brazilian Croatian yet, a couple of nice goals and some nice touches have whetted our appetite so tomorrows game against Bolton will hopefully give him a nice platform to represent.

It was the much-anticipated Arsenal AGM yesterday, the highlight of which was the surprise unveiling of a Herbert Chapman-stylee Arsene Wenger bust, well deserved too in my opinion. Reports of the Meeting all agree that Wenger's speech was as articulate and inspiring as you'd expect, whereas the Chairman's handling of the meeting itself was perhaps disappointing (the Online Gooner is particularly scathing, questioning Hill-Woods sanity and whether he might 'buy the farm' before the next AGM). Even so, the new lock down agreement will hopefully put any takeover talk on the back burner for a while, although Usmanov may well continue to pick off shares from the smaller shareholders until he's only got the big boys left to deal with.

Some belated congratulations to pass on, well done to Nath and Anna Marie for their impending arrival, chuffed to bits for you both. Also, a 'nice one' goes out to Verity and Kat for their respective births recently, as well as Tobe for his wedding.

Off on hols to Portugal next week so site will be updated even less than usual; I'm meant to be playing golf while I'm away which should be pretty funny as I haven't played in 3 years. i think I'll be relying on Pete's clubs and the ghost of Seve (or Tarby) to guide me round 18 holes, any score under, ooh, 110 would be viewed as spectacularly good methinks...

Cutty say he can't hang

2007-10-11T20:43:00.000+01:00

Evening all, stoopid international week, no freakin' footie on telly at all...an International break can mean bad news for clubs and I'm worried that we may get a few players coming back from their games with knee-knack or something. Liverpool have really suffered since the last break (heh) and I just hope Arsenal can keep their momentum going into the next match at home to Bolton (who aren't scary now that Little Sam is at the helm).

I've finally succumbed and joined facebook today, lots of good folk on there so we'll see how I get on with the mutha...

Its been a while, but back by popular demand is Brian's joke of the week, take it away, Pod:

a man is walking through a marketplace when he sees a wigwam with the sign 'any question answered' above it.
he enters to be greeted by an old red indian in full native regalia.
'HOW!' says the big chief.
'HOW!' replies the man quickly.
'what is question?' the indian says.
feeling smug, the man says 'who scored the winning goal in the 1927 scottish cup final??'
'gordon mcerlain. hibs 2 celtic 1.' replies the chief quick as a flash. the man leaves the wigwan astonished.
30years later he is in the same market when he sees the same sign, this time above a huge palace, decorated with native american daubings and artefacts.
curious to see, he enters the palace and finds the same red indian sat inside.
'HOW!' says the man, testing to see if he remembered him.
'fast inswinging corner, bullet header, near post.'
says the chief.

Good on yer, Bri

And here, for no reason other than "it's great" is the jive dialogue from Airplane!

The opening Jive Scene

Jiveman #1: Sheeeet, man, that honkey mus' be messin' my old lady got to be runnin' col' upsihd down his head! (Golly, that white fellow should stay away from my wife or I will punch him. )
Jiveman #2: Hey Holm, I can dig it! You know he ain't gonna lay no mo' big rap upon you man!(Yes, he is wrong for doing that. )
Jiveman #1: I say hey sky, s'other say I won say I pray to J I get the same ol' same ol.(I knew a man in a similar predicament, and he ended up being sorry. )
Jiveman #2: Knock yourself a pro slick. Gray matter back got perform' us' down I take TCBin, man'. (Don't be naive Arthur. Each of us faces a clear moral choice. )
Jiveman #1: You know wha' they say: See a broad to get that bodiac lay'er down an' smack 'em yack 'em. (Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. )
Together: Col' got to be! Yo! (How true! )
Together: Sheeeeeeet! (Golly!)

The Jive Dudes orderin' dinner

Elaine: Would you gentleman care to order your dinners?
Jiveman #1: Bet babe, slide a piece a da porter, drink si' run th' java. (I would like the steak please. )
Jiveman #2: Lookie here, I can dig grease and butter on some draggin' fruit garden. (I'll have the fish.)

The Jive Dudes, a mystery illness, and Barbara Billingsley...

Randy: Can I get you something?
Jiveman #2: S'mo fo butter layin' to the bone. Jackin' me up. Tightly.
Randy: I'm sorry I don't understand.
Jiveman #1: Cutty say he cant hang.
Woman : Oh stewardess, I speak jive.
Randy: Ohhhh, good.
Woman : He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him.
Randy: Would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine.
Woman : Jus' hang loose blooood. She goonna catch up on the`rebound a de medcide.
Jiveman #2: What it is big mamma, my mamma didn't raise no dummy, I dug her rap.
Woman : Cut me som' slac' jak! Chump don wan no help, chump don git no help. Jive ass dude don got no brains anyhow.

In the House Again

2007-10-01T18:46:00.000+01:00

And we're back.

Its been a while, I know, so much as happened since my last blog, especially in the wide, wide world of sports, well the sport that matters most anyway...

What the hell is with the Rugby World Cup? How long does it need to be? Why can't they play during the week? Big load of wang, thats what I say.

Back to some real sport now, Chelsea have knockled Spuz into second place in the Mass Crisis Table; could i really have asked for more this season? Out of all the hate figures at Chelsea (and there are plenty), the one whom I taking the most satisfaction from seeing squirm (even more than usual - he's as slimy as Kenneth Baker's characiture in Spitting Image) is Kenyon. How does he think he can turn Chelseas into the biggest club in the world when they only get 24,000 for a Champions League game? The man is delusional. A report was published recently giving the number of hits received by each Premiership club's websites at the end of August; domestically, the leaders were Man U, Liverpool and The Arsenal, where were Chelsea? 11th. 11th! Whilst they came 4th based on international hits, Chelsea cannot rely on increasing their domestic support-base in a matter of months, thesse things take a long time and with other clubs, involves a little something we like to call 'history'; a facet the Kings Road club are hardly bathing in...

Down at Arsenal, things couldn't be much better, although I don't want to say too much just in case I curse 'em; injuries are starting to pile up a bit though, what 's happening with Gallas? Injured on August 19, the Arsenal skipper was originally ruled out for three weeks. Four weeks later, he missed the Gunners' win at Spurs. On September 20, the club's official website announced that 'Gallas is expected to return for the West Ham game on September 29'. On September 27, Arsene Wenger announced: "Gallas is maybe a week or 10 days away." Thanks to F365 for that last bit of info.

Couple of shout-outs to do, firstly big hello to Kristian and Angie who arrived in Thailand last week and are currently planning to overpower the Junta in Burma in a couple of months, just let the Monks walk, man! Anyhoo, They're away for a year or something and they'll hopefully mail me some pictures of their travels to post on this site.

Secondly, apologies to Neil, i know I preomsied I'd update my site more, things have been so hectic recently though. Nevertheless, to try and make this up to Auckland's number one scouser, I've been onto the Simpsonize Me website (http://www.simpsonizeme.com/) and created characters for us both, like...

Deadline, ahoy

2007-08-28T12:07:00.000+01:00

We need more Bank Holidays, get it sorted Government, give us more I ask.

Had a great time at the footie on Saturday, managed to meet up with Dan and two of the Gray brothers in Islington before the match (was late due to half of the frickin' Piccadilly Line being closed leaving me to get a bus in the sweltering smoggy heat). Very nice it was too, Dan's hangover and obvious Tottenham-related stress was very apparent, poor boy even had his sunnies on upside down...

Rich and I then headed off to Ashburton to watch the game. Cracking finish by Fabregas, came out of no-where really. The games after yet another pointless International break (they really get on my wick, why are they still being played?!) can sometimes be unpredictable but Arsenal kept plugging away at a very determined Man city side and eventually got the break they deserved. City look a very different team to last year, the partnership of Dunne and the awesome Richards at the back should serve them very well this year and they'll have plenty of clean sheets; their attack still looks a little weak though, Mpenza had a good chance on Saturday, as did Petrov, so Sven may be tempted to dip into Dr Shinawatra's wallet once more to replace the unlucky Bojinov and give them a bit more bite up front.

Three more days until the transfer window shuts, so what can we expect? Well, Arsene may have a dabble, am surprised he hasn't bought an extra Centre Back yet. A left winger and a striker would also be welcome. If I were in his shoes, and God-willing, one day I will be, I would splash out on Mertesaker, Quaresma and Martins. However, I'd expect either no activity or another teenage to come through he doors. As for other clubs, Lord knows what's going on the rumour mongering is in over-over-drive at the moment...

It was Box Rocks yesterday, a teenie music 'festival' (one stage in a pub car park) in the village of Box. There were loads of bikers there, all ready to rock out, however, the highlight of the day was clearly the keepie-uppie session going on in the park between 6 of us. We managed to do 25 although it could have been more had Pete put his pint down and stopped doing those silly gaylord flicks of his.

Only a few more days until Tobe's stag do in the Toon, will try and fit in another blog before then...

Howard Johnson is right

2007-08-24T20:46:00.000+01:00

Hi, I'm Ed Winchester. What a week for Spurs, eh? After Jolgate, Berbatov's agent has now come out tonight and said Man U are in for him. Crikey. Oh well, it's nice for the bad press to be diverted form Arsenal for a change, and long may it continue!

Am off to the Arsenal - Man City game with Rich tomorrow, well excited. Should

be an interesting game, too. Man City were pretty lucky last week against United, Micah Richards was simply awesome at centre back, I'd put a bid in now Arsene

before anyone else gets their grubby hands on him.

Martin Jol, yesterday

If we can take an early chance for a change, City's resolve will really be tested as Sven doesn't really openly attack his opponents (just his secretaries, ouch!). Anyhoo, be great to be at the ground for the first time in a while, here's hoping for a cracker.

Only two weeks left at work, well, 7 working days; Bank Holiday, wo-hoo!

It's Toby's stag do in Newcastle next weekend. There's 6 of us going up on the same flight so that should be interesting (and yet enjoyable). Never been to the Toon before but heard its a crackin neet oot; well, that's what Viz taught me anyway.

Have a funky weekend and enjoy the sunshhhiiinnnnnnnnnne

"Top 6 Club, always have been"

2007-08-16T20:49:00.001+01:00

Well, we couldn't have asked for a better (or funnier) start to the football season, could we? Arsenal have won two on the bounce, the Spudz are bottom of the league, and last night Ronaldo got himself booked for three matches whilst united are looking seriously short of firepower. Enjoy it while it lasts, good to see Tottenham are already fighting for a bottom four finish...

Sparta Prague played a very physical first half against The Arsenal last night, but the lads managed to match them during a very patchy 45 minutes; Fabregas even managed to crock that thug, Tomas Repka.

Alex Hleb - not quite as lethal in

front of goal as Rich Ashby

Sparta's truculence faded as they ran out of energy during the second half and Fabregas and Hleb both produced tidy finishes to hopefully put the tie to bed.

Rich and myself are off to see Arsenal next weekend against Sven's Man City, its looking an intriguing game already.

Only 3 weeks left at work now, more importantly, there are only 3 lunchtime 5-a-sides to go. Today's game was absolute gash (i.e. we lost), will be looking for a marked improvement next week. I've been granted a testimonial game on September 4th so I'll need to be firing on all cylinders by then.

In other news, we're all off to Steeple this weekend for a bash round at my sisters. Will try and get some pix for the site. Have a good weekend, be lucky!

New Stuffmagoria

2007-08-11T09:25:00.000+01:00

Hello, sorry for lack of updates, been a very busy week that's mainly been about getting a new job.

But before all that business, I must fill you in on the cricket last Saturday. There were two things that Pete and Si had chosen not to tell me about last week's game, namely that the team we were playing had one of the fastest bowlers in village cricket and that helmets would be required. Nice. Anyhoo, i didn't trouble the scorers I'm afraid, I was spectacularly caught on my second ball by a particularly athletic fielder. Oh well, no justice is there? We lost by 4 wickets in the end, we only had ten men, mind.

Great day tho, went to a lovely pub in Castle Combe afterwards, it' gorgeous little village about 4/5 miles outside of Bath which also happens to have a major racing track. The cricket pitch was just over the road form the track and we were treated to the sound of highly revved engines and big skids all the way through the match, idyllic England at its best.

Big news this week has been that I've got anew job. I'm finally leaving the council after nearly ten years of 87 days off a year to go and work in Queens Square in Bath, looking forward to it.

Its the start of the football season today, praise be. Come on Arsenal. Hopefully Sunderland can do us all a favour and embarrass Spuz this lunchtime and I fancy Villa to do Liverpool this evening, too; although my predictions on this website have been less than reliable thus far...

Two, please

2007-08-04T08:09:00.000+01:00

Morning,

Funny week this one, was still suffrin' with man flu for most of it but recovered substantially enough to go out with James and Pete on Thursday night. Why oh why i thought it might be a good idea to play pro evo until 2am after the pub on a school night is beyond me...

Today should be cool, playing cricket with Si and Pete for a bumbling village team. Since I haven't really played for about 15 years I'm not really expecting to bother the scorers too much; nice way to spend a sunny day tho.

Ajax Vs. The Arsenal later today (8.15 ko), should be a good, if not tight, match. Be good to see if Eduardo can carry on where he left off, he looks like yet another shrewd signing by Le Boss.

Cornish Rastas

2007-07-30T19:15:00.000+01:00

Hello there. Long time no speak due to last week's fab holiday in Cornwall. Thanks to Matt and Jenny for putting us up (had a nice trip out in Matt's VW Camper to Looe), also to Paul and Bri for looking after us all down there, the weather may not have been the best but it was really good to see everyone; enjoyed the Eden Project, Truro and Polkerris beach. It's a beautiful part of the country, would love to live down there one day...

Seen Robin van Persie's goal in the Emirates Cup yet? What a cracker, lets hope he can stay fit this year. Plenty of encouragement to take form the tournament tho, Hleb and Sagna looked good whilst Eboue was pretty scary down the right flank.

Footie season is only just around the corner; again, Chelsea are doing their best to feck up the game by paying John Terry £135k a week, when will it stop? Abramovic is playing Championship Manager with our beautiful game.

Gonna be updating the site a bit more this week hopefully, feel the need to talk more about music...

White Wedding

2007-07-16T10:25:00.001+01:00

Phew, what a weekend. Excellent wedding; Fantastic venue, food, speeches and people, great to see so many familiar folk, shame the day went so quickly. You can look at my photos of the day here. Also, I have uploaded Stu's Best Man song to YouTube, you can view that here.

Felt very rough on Sunday, not too sure trampolining at 3.30am helped, I hope Nathan & Natasha have recovered from their injuries by now.

Good luck to Nath, Anna-Marie and Dave in Cuba this week. I hope you manage to get thru Jedi school on Wednesday...

Take a Leak

2007-07-13T13:33:00.001+01:00

Fascinating story about an alleged email from Le Boss that has been leaked: Click Here

Bothans, Binging and Bolognese

2007-07-10T19:30:00.000+01:00

G'day, sorry for lack of updates, I've been busier than a Bothan Spy sneaking their way around the first Death Star.

Getting ready for trip back to Steeple this weekend for The Linggoo wedding, should be a great bash, there'll be pix on the site next week (hopefully...)

What the hell is that spammer Iain Duncan-Smith banging on about adding 7p on the price of a pint of beer, 20p on a bottle of wine and 70p on a bottle of whisky to stop binge drinking??? There's nothing like punishing the masses is there? Maggie would be so proud of you IDS, now off you go, back to Cameron's lap...

Shocking amount of cash being spent in the Premiership at the moment, most of it by Man Ure and The Liverpool franchise, no need to panic yet, plenty of time to go till the season starts. Besides, even if we don't spend any more money, Arsenal's record against the top 4 was great last year (apart from that defeat at Liverpool) and Henry only played in 2 of those 6 games anyway. Its the games aganist the 'lesser' teams (e.g. Birmingham, Tottenham) where The Arsenal need to pick up their game.

Here's another joke from Brian, not sure about His Spag Bol recipe, mind...

an onion, a pepper, and a c*ck are having a chat.

the french onion boasts "when i errm 'ard and stiff i get shopped into a beautiful sa-lard!'
the Italian pepper retorts "when-a i am ard anna stiff, i get chopped into-a da sphag-heeeti bolognaiize!!'

the c*ck says 'jesus. when I'm hard and stiff, I'm clingfilmed, thrown into a filthy dark room, and get me head smashed up against the wall until i puke and pass out!'

Tickle your ribs, sir?

2007-07-03T19:56:00.000+01:00

Lovely summer we're having, eh? Don't fret, there is some good news about; Rich has bought a house, there's a Linggoo wedding in a week or so and Tottscum will be bankrupt in a year. Anyhoo, here's something else to brighten your day (especially you, Kristian), another rib-tickler from The Pod , pictured here at the 1994 Summer Ball, where I believe he got off with about 15 ladies, oh Bri...

An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.
"I want to become a lawyer. How much is the express degree you told me about?"

"It's £50,000," the lawyer said. "But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?"

"That's my business! Get me on the course!"

Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.

Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?"

In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said, "One less f*cking lawyer . . ."

A Signing!

2007-07-02T11:40:00.000+01:00

Gadzooks, we've signed a striker! 24 Yr old Eduardo da Silva has joined from Croatia Zagreb (subject to a medical). No, I hadn't heard of him either but his scoring record is impressive: he's scored seven goals from 12 games for his adoptive country.Last season for his club, da Silva scored a remarkable 34 times in 32 games, netting 71 goals in total in 100 appearances for Dinamo. You can view one of his goals here.

Welcome Eduardo and good luck

London Calling & Star Bores

2007-06-28T19:15:00.001+01:00

Apparently, BBC Londinium is reporting that Le Boss is about to extend his contract, see story on Arseblog here, nice to have something to smile about in Arsenal-land if its true, the beeb don't lie do they? Grimandi will also allegedly be named as Director of Football; well, all the big news happens on Fridays...

Good luck to La moving into his new house in Auckland, geek heaven I imagine, look forward to seeing it once we've raised the air fare.

Regular readers will be relieved to hear that Brian has sent me another joke but I don't want to post it just yet...btw, well done on getting your job, Bri, lets hope you get that golden shower, I mean golden handshake as well.

Changing the subject, watched Revenge of The Sith again the other day, what a load of wang. The dialogue is so bad and some of the acting ain't much better ("oh, the younglings"). I wonder if anyone else wishes Lucas had left it as just a trilogy? I've just been reading Easy Riders Raging Bulls by Peter Biskind (thanks for the recommendation, Jake); excellent book about Hollywood during the late 60s and 70s. Anyhoo, Lucas was so peeved after studios ripped apart THX 1138 (his 'baby'), that he lost faith in Hollywood, claimed merchandise rights for Star Wars in wonderful piece of bargaining with the studio, raked in tens of millions of benjamins and started to produce his own films. He was also set to direct Apocalypse Now but Coppola decided to take the job instead; the THX 1138 incident had battered his confidence so much with regard to directing 'real films' that eventually Lucas decided that Star Wars was his destiny and he carried on with the adventures of C-3PO and R2-D2...

You is from Dudley, in't it?

2007-06-25T19:51:00.000+01:00

How can we lift this blue funk?

By signing David Villa maybe? OK, maybe not...I do have the next best thing tho, Brian's Blue Joke of The Week:

Wife asks her husband if they can make love with the light ON after 20 years together. 'no way!' says he. undeterred, she flicks the light on next time, to discover him sh*gging her with a huge
marrow, having clearly got no genitalia.

'20 years of this??' she screams. 'you have some explaining to do mister!!' she adds, furiously.
'oh...have i??' he says incredulously. 'so have you!! we've got two kids!!!'

please try the veal......

Bon Voyage

2007-06-25T19:21:00.000+01:00

He's gone and it looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines...

Best of luck to him, he was my fave player so I'm gutted we've lost him. However, this whole 'transition' of Arsenal would always end in TH14 leaving as the team was no longer built around him, it's built around Fabregas.

Pre-season starts next week, be interesting to see who turns up!

Brief comment on the Arsenal website from Mr Wenger, but a galvanising comment from him would be most welcome...

Mr H

2007-06-22T19:25:00.000+01:00

Oh crap, looks like its gonna happen...

Black Country Boy

2007-06-21T19:26:00.000+01:00

OK, new feature, its Brian's Blue Joke of the Week. Those of you who know the Pod will be aware of his illustrious career in comedy; its truly an honour to allow him to share his filthy gags with the world at last. Take it away Bri...

joke 4 ya.: 'fella says to his wife 'we need a code for sex. so...if i wanna shag, I'll squeeze your balloon once. if u wanna shag, yank my kn*b once. AND, if u don't want one, yank it 150 times.'

i thhank---hyooo.

Stay on target

2007-06-20T22:41:00.001+01:00

OK, a rambling piece for the gooners this one: transfer targets for the summer. Let's assume that Arsene is plotting away at the moment almost ready to pounce on a couple of top class players. I'm going to ignore all the ridiculous media speculation; football sells newspapers, during the summer there are no games (stats show that fellas buy more newspapers if their team has won) so the hacks have to come up with ever-elaborate stories that are more sensational then their rivals.

I think part of the reason we haven't bought yet is the fact that the Spanish season has only just finished. Wenger has to sort out the Reyes situation ad get some cash in the bank; Reyes has a few years left on his contract so you'd assume we'd get at lease £10m for the mutha. Also going out the door is Flamini, say for£5m? Add that to the supposed £40m loan the board have negotiated and you're looking at a £55m kitty, that's a lot of benjamins. OK, perhaps that's a wee bit optimistic, but that's just the way I am.

Where do we need strengthening? Well, I'd say an experienced centre back, a winger and maybe a forward. We have phenomenal strength up front with Henry (who had some pictures taken with a lovely lady yesterday at an Arsenal event), RvP and an ever improving Adebayor, but we've lost Baptista and Aliadiere. Will Wenger want to play Walcott up front this year or will he be limited to the right?

Anyhoo, I know the transfer game; I've played Championship manager (although success on CM is no guarantee of glory in real life, just look at Tonton Zola Moukoko - who is now playing for IK Sleipner in Sweden.). Every top manager in Europe is flirting with clubs left, right and centre. When the market is as competitive as it is in June and July, being first to approach a player is a huge advantage. I'm sure le boss will have been hard at work for months wooing targets as he is the master salesman. Mr Wenger always keeps his cards close to his chest and we rarely hear of any purchases until they're pretty much done and dusted so we could be in for some news any day now (OK, maybe not that soon...).

So don't be downhearted, things will pick up soon, the papers will continue to spout garbage for the foreseeable future so have a good laugh at them and don't worry too much (that means you Rich).

Bearded Villainy

2007-06-18T21:20:00.000+01:00

Mondays are rubbish sometimes, too frickin knackered to do nowt. Nice chat with Bri tonight, going down to Cornwall in a few weeks to view his abode and visit Matt (chicken pies) and Paul too.

At the risk of sounding a bit geeky, how good was Dr Who on Saturday?! The Master! I always thought he looked like one of the bearded villains from Superman, who in turn looked like a fella who worked in Fagito's (or is that Fadigo's)? kebab shop in Cambridge...

For the Steeple folk...

2007-06-18T19:50:00.000+01:00

Taken a few weeks ago, here is hip hops great white hope. Thorpedo, take a bow...

Aquae Sulis, pet

2007-06-16T21:26:00.000+01:00

Bath is a frickin' builing site at the moment while they knock down the horrible pikey post war horror down Southgate way, took some pix the other week of Bath in general. Well, I was wanderin' around with a camera, what else was I supposed to do? Look at 'em here

Abbe & Jamie's Wedding

2007-06-15T18:32:00.000+01:00

Abbe and Jamie got married the other week, you can view my pictures here...

It's away

2007-06-15T18:20:00.001+01:00

hello there, first blog ahoy.
welcome to the site, i though neil would appreciate it, you can view his site here.
anyhoo, i'll try to add to it as much as possible. i feel i should have a rant about the whole thierry henry situation too. after all, during the footie-drought of summer, transfer gossip keeps us all going...